He Gives Rest

 

 

 

I walked into Caroline's room this morning and turned on the lamp.

There was no movement.  All was still.

I just stood there.  Stunned.

She was asleep. 

Her body was completely relaxed.  Her breathing steady and strong.

Caroline is usually the last one asleep and the first one awake. 

There are still plenty of nights she will wake up in the middle of the night.  Restless.   Fitful.

For all of her life she has struggled with sleep.

It turns out that a lot of severely disabled children struggle in this way.

We have racked our brains and tried everything.

What we have come to realize is that she has to wind down.....

The rest of us walk and talk and eat and exercise and usually fling ourselves into bed from exhaustion.

She can't release stress in any way.

So night time has always been hard.

There is a lot of screaming.  If you think about it that is one thing  she can do to let off a little (or a lot) of steam.

She will kick the sheets off.  She will turn herself over.  She will kick the bedrail. 

We are used to all of that.

What we are not used to is ~rest~.

When I looked down and saw her sweet little frame enjoying rest I was overcome with joy. 

For her.

It thrilled my heart to see her enjoying the safety of her bed in her room that has been provided for her to enjoy.

I hovered there not wanting to even breathe because I just knew at any moment she would wake up.

But she didn't. 

She slept on. 

Finally I could not stand it any longer.  I crept out and grabbed my phone to snap a picture.  I couldn't wait to send it to my husband who could also appreciate the oh-so-rare moment.

(Turns out the flash did wake her up:)

After getting the kids off to school and beginning my routine I felt the Lord speak in His tender way....

"The same joy you felt to see Caroline at rest is but a taste of My joy when I see you receiving the rest I give you. Come to me.  You are carrying burdens too great for you to bear.  I give rest.  I hover over you my child in the same way you hovered over her.  There is faith in rest.  Strength is given. I created your body and soul to need it."

I closed my bible and slipped under the blanket on the couch.  I laid still and intentionally calmed myself before God.  Eyes closed.  Breathing steady. I simply fixed my thoughts upon Him.

I sensed His joy in my obedience.

In the same way that seeing my child at rest had blessed me~

I had just blessed my God.

"Cease striving and know that I am God...." Ps. 46:10 NASB

"Come to me all who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28

Disappointed Part 2

Trials and difficulties give us opportunities for faith or fizzle.

In my last post I admitted to a season of disappointment.

Let me clarify:  God does not disappoint. But I believe He is ok with us being disappointed.

God is consistently good.  God is always at work to produce fruit in our lives.

Allowing us to face difficulties, some of them lasting for years, has a way of producing such richness in us that God knows the pain and disappointment will be worth the outcome.

I believe God is good with that.

I always go back to Job.

How can we not?

The illustration is just too easy.

Job was hand-picked by God Almighty to experience pain, loss, grief and terrible disappointment.

God is about the process and proving Himself and us to be genuine.

He knows His own character.

He wants us to know it.  REALLY know Him.

Have you noticed that joy is sweeter after grief?

Grief is actually the catalyst that helps us really grasp joy.

A life without pain can't even really experience the depth of joy.

Y'all....God is all about depth.

Depth takes time.

"God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God's work from beginning to end." Ecc. 3:11

Whatever time God has appointed for your life right now...it is a beautiful for its own time.

It is accomplishing a purpose.

This disappointment can be a beautiful thing if I continue to allow it to accomplish its work.

My pride and ego hate this.

I want to work harder.
Do more.
Pray more.
Sing louder.
Do something to make it about my good works....somehow prove myself to God.

That is my default.

All the while God is trying to help me stop striving. Just sit tight.  Listen and stay close to Me.

That is all.

To the multi-tasking OCD girl that I have become...this method is offensive to me.

"What do you mean slow down? Rest? Listen?"

"How is that doing  anything?"

Here is the gist:  in all of my striving I am really doing nothing. 

But in my resting...He IS DOING EVERYTHING.

Disappointment. Devotion. Living.

We are a fickle bunch.

If we are disappointed with service at a restaurant~ we usually don't go back.
If we are disappointed with a person~ we lose trust.
If we are disappointed with a song~ we change the music selection.
If we are disappointed with circumstances~ we look for a way out.

Disappointment is a tough thing.

All of us, in some way or another, are dealing with disappointment.

Or are we?

Maybe you just don't admit that you are disappointed.

Maybe you just don't deal with it.

Disappointment in our culture calls for a quick fix....a change.

People refuse to live disappointed.

Marriages end, relationships fall apart, rules don't seem to matter when disappointment is on the line.

We look for anything and everything to help us NOT BE disappointed.

But what about when nothing helps?
When a quick fix won't fix anything at all?

When the disappointments settles and you are left to feel and absorb and DEAL with every bit of it.

I will be completely honest.

Right now I am in the midst of disappointment.

It would be easier to lie and act like I am not dealing with unmet expectations and deferred hope.  The fake smile would make you feel better and it might make me feel better too.

But I can't muster it up.

A week or so ago I told the Lord that all I had to bring to Him was my disappointment.

How is that for a devoted follower of Christ???

I felt such guilt and shame for even admitting it.

How could I not muster up some measure, however meager, of gratitude and thanksgiving?!?

I had none.  And today~  I still don't have much.

God's Word has been some solace for me.

My man and a few very close friends have spoken truth to these ears.

I have taken days to process and meditate....and there are more to come.

God has remained so true to His nature.

I don't sense any anger.

He is loving me through this.
He is letting me rest where I am.
He is tenderly leading me at a slower and more gentle pace.
He is not leaving or forsaking his disappointed child.

He is simply loving her back to wholeness.

I am broken and tired and weary and sad and disappointed.

And He knows it.

But I am also abiding.

I am devoted to my Savior and my God.

Disappointment and devotion can coexist.

They can walk together and hold hands and wait for God to illuminate the next step.

My pastor preached a sermon this past Sunday entitled, "Grace to do the Hard Things Well".  Tears streamed down my face as I drank in each word and prayed for continued grace.

I do not feel like I am doing anything well these days.

But He can.

He is faithful when I am completely faithless.

He is strength when I am sapped.

He is water when I am dry.

He is full when I am empty.

He is hope when I have none.

He simply IS everything I need.

He is devoted to me when I am disappointed.

Today He nudged me toward a passage of scripture that He knew would speak to me.


John chapter 11 tells the account but I will give you the high points.

Mary was a follower of Jesus.

She had a brother that she dearly loved name Lazarus.

She and her sister, Martha, sent for Jesus when Lazarus became sick unto death.

They knew of His ministry.  They knew he could heal and restore.

Jesus did not come.

Here was a devoted follower of Jesus dealing with disappointment.

A couple of days later Jesus did come to their home.

Martha rushed out to meet Jesus.

Mary did not.

I have always thought that Mary was angry with Jesus.

Maybe she was.  But maybe she was just empty...and tired....and sad...and disappointed.

Maybe she didn't want to bring her disappointment before the Messiah.

In verse 28 of John chapter 11 we read that Martha goes and gets Mary.  We read that Jesus wanted to see her.

That is Him.

He wants us. He calls us by name.  He wants us close.  Even in our disappointment.

He knew her sadness and He knew He was her solution.

Devotion met disappointment.

He doesn't shrink back from us.  He isn't angered by us.  And (I have to remind myself of this one) He doesn't tolerate us.

He loves us.

Period.

Just as he called Mary that day in the midst of her disappointment I sense Him calling to me in mine.

Mary had a choice.

She could get up and go to him or choose not to.

Verse 29 gives us her choice.  It says, "so Mary immediately went to him."

These 6 seemingly inconsequential words describe me and probably so many others as well.

In our disappointment~ we still go to Him.

I choose Jesus.

The disappointment lingers and the wonderful truth is that He never leaves.

In times of grief and pain you see friends who cannot sit through it with you.

But then there are those who refuse to leave your side.

There are the friends that stay even when they cannot say anything or do anything to make it better.

They simply cannot leave.

Because they love.

He is that and so much more.

There is character to be built. There is perseverance and faith that must be proven genuine....

Somehow disappointment is part of this teaching process.

So I am choosing to trust my Teacher.

He is my God.
He clothed His glory in skin and came to this earth to live and die for me.
He rose again and claimed victory over death.
He sends His Holy Spirit to encourage and equip me.
He spoke the world into existence.
He knows the end from the beginning.

My disappointment does not make Him anything less than He is.

But it teaches me more about the depth of His grace, mercy and love for me.

Come ye sinner poor and needy
weak and wounded, sick and sore
Jesus ready stands to save you
full of pity, love and pow'r.

My Problem with Sin

God has given me the awesome privilege to counsel and mentor ladies in our community and in our church.

The honor to pray for others and walk beside them is precious to me.  

Just recently I was discussing the only biblical answer to sexual sin with a sweet gal.  I think she may have been shocked by my answer but it could not line up more with God's Word.  

When in a precarious situation the best thing to do is RUN. (2 Timothy 2:22)

FLEE.

GET THE HECK OUT OF DODGE.

God doesn't tell us to get down and pray about it.

He doesn't tell us to try to explain our position and get everyone to agree.

He says....GET OUT OF THERE.

Why?  

Because our flesh wants to sin.

Here is the problem with my sin.

I don't want to think of it as sin. 

That seems entirely too harsh.  Too heavy.  Too dirty.  

I would prefer to think of it as an issue.  A hardship.  A struggle.  A problem.

Those words seems to clean it up a bit.

Unfortunately I can call it whatever I want to but the One that matters calls it sin.  So SIN it must be.

In recent days as our surrounding culture falls prey to more and more moral decline it is essential that I not lose sight of my own part in this.

2 Chronicles 7:14 has become the go-to verse for perilous times.  

"Then if my people who are called by my name will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, I will hear from heaven and will forgive their sins and restore their land."

Somehow we buy into the lie that becoming a Christian means we are no longer going to sin.

WRONG.

We even act like we can hang out with whoever we want, listen to whatever we want, watch whatever we want and somehow be immune from the temptations of this world.

WRONG.

If we do not recognize our capacity to sin then we certainly won't recognize our need for the Holy Spirit.  

The struggle against sin is life long.  

We don't get the luxury of a break until we are called home to heaven.

But victory is ours for the taking.

As badly as I may want to sin.....I don't have to.  

I am not a slave to sin any longer.

So here is what the Holy Spirit has been preaching to me.

"Andrea...you are called by My Name.  Walk humbly. We both know that you are capable of horrible things. Give me credit for everything.  Any good trait you exhibit is from ME.  Trust Me and not your desires.  Seek Me constantly for your heart will lead you astray.  Turn away...RUN from your wicked ways."

As I stare at these words my flesh wants to recoil.

Who is God to speak to me like that?  

I am a good person.

These thoughts and more can begin take root if I give them any chance to.  

But I know better.

This is pride.  

This is SIN.

See how quickly it happens?!?

Oh Lord forgive me.

His Words are truth and life.  We can make a profound influence around us by admitting our part in wickedness and turning from it.

When others see a real Christian admitting real sin it does something.  It speaks.  It points to our Savior.

When we are prideful.  Admit it. Repent. Turn.

When we are arrogant.  Admit it. Repent. Turn.

When we cheat. Admit it. Repent. Turn.

When we lie. Admit it. Repent. Turn.

When we lose our temper. Admit it. Repent. Turn.

This is daily.  

Maybe even hourly.  

He will hear us when we do. He will come and heal and restore.  

What better thing is there?

If I will get serious about my own sin and humbly walk before God and seek Him~ the world can't help but notice.

He is contagious.

He is better than any sin that tempts me.

The world wants to see authentic faith.  

Dealing with sin is a part of that.

Be a breath of fresh air to the world around you.  

Be real about your sin and brag on Jesus.  

JUST. AS. I. AM.

This was a favorite hymn to sing at the conclusion of our Sunday sermons.

I can remember thinking how appropriate the lyrics were for this time in the service.  

The words seem to beckon a prodigal down the aisle toward repentance.

The truth is...I have always associated this song with salvation.  

Last night that changed a little bit.

The spiritual blahs had descended upon me with suffocating fullness.

It seemed as though I was looking for anything and everything to set me off.

And when I am looking for a fight...it's funny...I usually find one.

For me embracing the blahs means becoming consumed with myself.

Tunnel vision.

In addition to nauseating self-thoughts I also become angry at God.  I allow my mind become a dump heap of doubt and fear and self-pity.

Ugh.

The things I hate and despise I gladly embrace when my mind is in a bad place.

For me a walk by faith requires intentional thought and deed.  

Spiraling downward requires letting down that guard.  I simply quit being intentional about my walk.  

It is fascinating.

You would think that it would take a long time to spiral down.  

It doesn't.

For me it can be moments.

When I simply think on myself.  

My wants.

My doubts.

My worries.

My fears.

My comparisons.

My insecurities.

My questions.

My issues.

The capacity I had to focus on God becomes filled with me.

He hasn't left me.

I have shifted my focus...and left Him.

Here is another fascinating point. 

The more I continued to focus on myself the more justified I felt in my anger.

Isn't this so true?

My chest filled with indignation against God.  My fists raised in the air in angst and frustration.

And this is how He found me.

I decided to run a bath because there seems to be no better place to drown self-pity.  Getting still in the water with a racing angry mind I heard these words~

Just as I am without one plea

But that thy blood was shed for me

And that thou bidst me come to thee

Oh Lamb of God I come.  I come.

Just as I am tho tossed about

With many a conflict many a doubt

Fightings within and fears without

O Lamb of God I come. I come.

There was no sermon.
I didn't need for my soul to be saved.

But I was being invited to come.


JUST ME.
JUST A MESS.
JUST FUMING.
JUST BROKEN.
JUST EMPTY.

JUST AS I AM.

Running to Him on a spiritual high is glorious.
Running to Him when I am sad is sweet.

But anger and hurt is different somehow.

Not only do I not want to come....I don't even think I can approach His throne with my anger and hurt bubbling out.

But He invited it.

He welcomed me.

He was bidding me to come.

That song took on an additional meaning to me.  As sure as He delighted to save me from hell, He wants to save me from me.

The enemy cannot have my soul.  But he knows how to attack my mind with defeated thoughts.  He knows that my salvation is sure but my faith is shaky.

His chief aim is to make me question the character of God.

Today I have purposely and intentionally focused on my blessings.  All given from a loving God.

Hope comes back and just as quickly I begin climbing out of the hole from night.

On this eve of Independence Day may I be ever mindful of the freedom I have in Jesus Christ.

He freed my soul on Calvary when He died.
He frees me every day from the sin that so easily entangles...when I allow Him to.

When I come to Him JUST AS I AM.

Galatians 5:16-18
 So I say, let the Holy Spirit guide your lives. Then you won’t be doing what your sinful nature craves.  The sinful nature wants to do evil, which is just the opposite of what the Spirit wants. And the Spirit gives us desires that are the opposite of what the sinful nature desires. These two forces are constantly fighting each other, so you are not free to carry out your good intentions.  But when you are directed by the Spirit, you are not under obligation to the law."

pain AND gain

Yesterday she became a teenager.

Look at that smile.

It can light up any space.  She can look at you with eyes so clear that you would swear she knew your every thought.

So much of her face and features remind me of my side of the family....except her eyes.  Her eyes are the size of big almonds.  Just like her daddy. 

She really likes ice cream.

She likes to watch the Food Network with me.

She loves swaying on a porch swing.

Certain people can make her laugh uncontrollably just by the mere mention of their name.

We have figured out that purple is her favorite color.

This year we have seen some great progress.  She has done so well with her braces. 

She seems to be more motivated at times to do things that she has not done before.

We praise God for each and every little new thing we see....

Her birthday always conjures up tough memories.

It was the glorious day that I became a Mother.

I will never forget holding her for the first time. (It was actually 2 days after she was born and after I came out of a comatose state) All I could do was stare.  Each feature was so delicate and perfect and tiny.  She was gorgeous and smelled new.  Somehow the tubes and the fact that she was in the NICU seemed beyond me.  SHE was all I could see.

For the next 2 months I sat in that same NICU and drank her in. 

I learned about my "different" little girl.

We learned how to care for her and what the potential future might hold.

But here we sit 13 years later.....

There has been pain. There is still pain. Daily.

Shep and I are somewhat used to it now.  We go through the motions because what else is there to do?

G-tube feeds 4 times a day.....diaper changes every few hours....manual bathing....wiping drool....watching her flail when she can't express herself.....loading and unloading wheelchair/equipment when everyone else just walks on by...

All of that is painful. 

And today I am not even going to touch the emotional part of the pain.  But you can imagine.
Missed milestones.  Missed conversations.  Missed moments that you always imagine.

Thinking back to the beginning of this journey~ there was so much shock and a chronic feeling of being overwhelmed.  All the time. 

Doctors offices were the norm.  Weight issues, eye issues, brain injury issues, feeding issues....instead of enjoying a new baby girl it felt like we lived in a world of issues beyond our control.

I descended into such a deep pit of despair.  I stayed there for a while.

I nursed an offense toward God.  A serious offense.

I could not believe He (in His providential wisdom) had chosen this overwhelming all consuming and painful course for my life.

Anyway, like I said, life was just bigger than we could handle.  It seemed as though my senses could only see, hear, taste, touch, and feel PAIN. 

The slow process of allowing God access into the deep hurt places of my heart put me on the long road of healing.

His Word alone healed me.

Period.

His Word spoke hope into the hollow places that echoed with fear and uncertainty.

His Word helped my faith grow.

His Word gave me patience and perspective to persevere.

His Word forced light to shine on those that I needed to forgive.

His Word reminded me that He can do anything.

His Word began to abide within my very bones.

His Word changed me.

It is still changing me.

Only in recent years have I really begun to see that all of this pain has really been about the gain.

Oh goodness so much gain.

I can hardly contain it when I really think about all of the blessings that have showered down from heaven in the midst of pain.

The gain of faith.
The gain of courage.
The gain of compassion.
The gain of hope.
The gain of perspective.
The gain of people.
The gain of a testimony.
The gain of vulnerability.
The gain of experience.
The gain of joy.
The gain of growth.
The gain of depth.
The gain of genuine worship,
The gain of keeping on keeping on.

The gain...of pain.

Romans 8:31-39

"What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? Who shall bring any charge against God’s elect? It is God who justifies. Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died—more than that, who was raised—who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? As it is written,

“For your sake we are being killed all the day long;
we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered.”

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord."

---

Fresh Bread

There is a dear friend in my life that puts me to shame with her cooking skills. 

She just goes for it.  She isn't afraid to cook anything too hard or too time consuming or with too many ingredients. 

Usually those sitting around her table are glad for it.

But she recently taught me how to use a bread machine and prepare fresh baked yeast rolls for my family.

I must say...without hesitation...that fresh baked bread is something quite special. 

It is warm and sweet and savory all at the same time.  

Recently I was reading through a devotion book.  The NLT bible pointed out that a priest offered David (a man on the run for his life) the only food he had...the holy bread. 

This would have been the Bread of Presence.  It was placed before the Lord once a week in the tabernacle.

We don't typically make big deals about certain foods being holy unto the Lord.  But this bread would have been just that.  Incredibly holy. 

This bread was laid before the Lord out of reverence and obedience.

And here....David (frenzied and probably freaking out because the king had a bounty on his head) was being offered THIS bread for sustenance.

I was thinking about my past month or so. 

Frenzied certainly fits.

We have ended our school year.  Finished off soccer season and ballet.  We have had chorus concerts and award ceremonies.  Birthdays have been celebrated and anniversaries cherished.

Honestly when my life gets this way....my relationship with Jesus takes a serious hit.

The energy and zeal to get up and dig in God's Word for fresh truth just isn't there.  I would much rather snooze....

Staleness sets in and I find myself looking to rules instead of really enjoying my relationship with Jesus.

When I read this passage in 1 Samuel 21 I identified with David and my heart once again melted over my God. 

David...the man that will one day be known as the "man after God's own heart" is in a crisis.  He is on the run.  The king hates him and wants to see him dead.  He flees to the city of Nob.  He even lies to the priest about why he is there.

And still  God offered him bread.

The Bread of Presence.

Holy Bread unto the Lord.

Fresh.

My translation says it had just been replaced that day.

I wonder if he felt unworthy because he lied to the priest?
I wonder if he felt like a coward for running for his life? 
(this guy was known for being an insane warrior...songs were sung for his fame)
I wonder if hunger pangs took over?


Here is the bottom line: David was frenzied.  God delivered freshness. 

When I still myself before Him...He does the same for me.

His love, although enduring...is fresh to me each day.
His mercies, abundant...are new every morning.
His grace, amazing....never runs out.


Oh Father~ do a fresh work in my life.  Speak fresh words of hope and life into a frenzied and stale heart.  Fresh implies new.  I would love new zeal and new faith. Fresh.  Invigorated.  I cannot muster this as badly as I may want to.  But I can surrender.  Wake me up to new wonders in your blessed Word.  Meet me in new and unexpected places.  My heart is yours Jesus.