An Odd Comfort

I sit here with a heavy heart.

A tired heart.

People I love are hurting.
I am hurting.

Life is hard.  And sometimes, truthfully, it only gets harder.

There is a hope that rises within me to meet the hard things head on.

Jesus Christ is the hope of glory.  He is within me. (Col.1:27)

Now more than ever this realization has become my reality.

When I rise....He alone is my hope.
When I sleep....He alone is my hope.

No unknown can shake it.
No diagnosis can take it.
No situation can diminish it.

Hope. 
The word.
The thought.
The possibility brings comfort.

There is a passage that has tendered my heart recently.

I don't know about you but when hurt and heartache seem to loom over me...I want to somehow make myself stop feeling any of it.  I want to be calloused to it.

This word in 2 Corinthians gives us no such permission.

We must feel the hurt to receive a heavenly comfort.

"All praise to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ.  He is the source of every mercy and the God who comforts us.  He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others.  When others are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.  You can be sure that the more we suffer for Christ, the more God will shower us with his comfort through Christ.  So when we are weighed down with troubles, it is for your benefit and salvation! For when God comforts us, it is so that we, in turn, can be an encouragement to you.  Then  you can patiently endure the same things we suffer.  We are confident that as you share in suffering, you will also share in God's comfort." 2 Corinthians 1:3-7

This passage does not sugar coat the reality of suffering.

Troubles will come.
Suffering is a by product of life on this earth.

But there is a double return.

I know.  I wish there was no pain.  I wish there was no suffering.
But we messed that up a long time ago.
That was God's original plan as well.
Now we need mercy....

And he made a way.

Comfort will come.

God. Will. Comfort.

He uses His Holy Spirit.
He uses His Word. Music. Prayer. Rest. Nature. Food.

But I have been blown away by people. 

Here is that double return part.

In addition to a holy God comforting me, He sends others to comfort me as well.

People comfort me.

People that have suffered and hurt somehow dig down into the reservoir of Hope that dwells within them and they offer it to me.

This is the cycle.

Odd isn't it?

Pain produces comfort.

Comfort comes from pain.

Only God.

He created a world free of sin.
We sinned anyway.

He provided a way to heaven at the cost of His One and Only Son, Jesus.

His pain.....brought our comfort.
His loss....our gain.

This scripture speaks to the fruitfulness of pain.

Certain circumstances almost kill us.
Life can change in a moment and leave us reeling....

We think we might never be the same again.

Once I can get past my selfishness and think clearly, it helps me so much to know that any pain I endure CAN bring fruit.

Those people that have endured heartache become so tender to others enduring the same.

And then there we are....people helping other people.
Giving the very same comfort that they once received.

Can you imagine God the Father watching His children comfort each other?

His ways are truly wonderful.
His ways are truly odd.

2 people coming together with suffering and pain and offering each other a comfort that surpasses all understanding.

This is God's way.

"So, my dear brothers and sisters, be strong and steady, always enthusiastic about the Lord's work, for you know that nothing you do for the Lord is ever useless." 1 Corinthians 15:58

the Blend

Today I introduced my kids to a show that used to mesmerize me as a child.

I am not sure how the gentle and soft-spoken tones of Bob Ross captured my complete attention.  I can remember sitting at my grandmother's house and all else would fade away as I watched this man with very frizzy hair create a masterpiece of nature on canvas.

Now this show is on Netflix.

And guess what?

Those old episodes still draw you in.

We were fixated on the television like we were watching some brilliant magic show.

My kids even said things like, "How does he do that" and "I can't believe the trees look so real."

It does seem magical.

The artist can see in advance what we (the audience) cannot see.

He has already envisioned it.

He takes a plain canvas and brings life.  Literally a scene comes into view that delights everything about what the eye is seeing.

At one point today he began painting the sky over an ocean at sunset.

He mixed colors that one would never dream to use in a sunset.

If I told you to picture a sunset in your mind's eye you would think warm colors....oranges, yellows, reds, pinks and purples.

Those colors were present just as you would imagine.

But then he blended in some darkness.

Blunt bruising type colors.

He would take his paint brush and merge those warm colors with hints of black, dark blue, and deep purple.

The contrast was stark at moments and you would almost think he had ruined the picture.

But blending those colors brought the depth that made it look completely real.

The dark ominous colors made the light colors richer somehow.


Immediately the Lord spoke to me.....

There are so  many times that I seem to follow the picture He is painting in the story of my life.  I enjoy it even.  Some times it is the cool colors of refreshing and encouragement.  Other times I enjoy the warm colors that seem to let me bask in love, mercy, and grace.
Its the moments when he jabs the canvas with darkness that my view of the masterpiece become jaded.

The dark colors represent fear, doubt, uncertainty and the unknown to me.

And yet....it is the blending of dark colors that adds the depth and realness like nothing else.

Nothing shook up my faith in the Lord Jesus until my world went black.

My Savior saw the picture in advance.

He added deliberate darkness to my life.

And the blending began.

Today I see shades and hues of beauty that would have never existed without the brutality of that darkness.

For almost 14 years He has been painting a masterpiece of redemption and faith in my life.

Real faith.
The faith that has to work when nothing else will.

Once upon a time my faith was built upon predictability.

THAT is no faith at all.

Jesus loved me enough to help me shed a false faith.

He knew true satisfaction would come with trust.

And trust only happens when we get to know Him.


Scratching the surface of Jesus was no longer enough.

I had to know Him.
I wanted all of Him.
I needed Him more than my next breath.

The darkness did that.  


With a brilliancy that confounds me....my Maker knew that despair would drive me to desperation and desperation would give me depth.


How deep the Father's love for us.
How vast beyond all measure.
That He would give his only Son;
To make a wretch His treasure.


If I say,  "Surely the darkness will overwhelm me, and the light around me will be night." Even the darkness is not dark to You, and the night is as bright as the day. Darkness is as light to You...
Psalm 139:11-12

The Smallest Hope

Maybe you are like me and you find yourself longing for more.
More peace.
More comfort.
More strength.
More joy.
.......just more good.

I recognize it in the eyes of others as well.

Longing.

As I live each day I learn more and more that God chooses to allow things that boggle my mind.

I am challenged to believe that His ways are not just above my ways. His ways are usually in a different galaxy.  He works in such mystery that sometimes I don't see Him at all.

Since February our family has been trying to work through an enormous loss.

We miss Shep's parents so deeply.
We lost them 18 days apart.
It still does not seem remotely real.  Except for the fact that weeks and months have gone by and I haven't heard their voices.

Several things have happened where I instinctively picked up my phone to call his mom or send her a picture.

And then...reality hits with a fresh wave...and loss takes your breath away again.

Meanwhile I have friends walking through loss as well.

Serious and severe loss.

Just like me they are longing for the world that seemed steady beneath their feet just 6 months ago.

We didn't know then what was waiting on us....

I love that God made us not just to serve Him but to serve and love others as well.

But, as you know, loving and serving others means opening yourself to feeling what they feel.

I am finding that the best way to be a friend is to jump into their pool of pain.  You may not have an answer but your presence alone can cheer and comfort.

All of this pain....in my life and in the lives of those I love is about more than I can stand.

Surely the Lord knows I have reached my limit.

But do we really have one?

A limit, I mean.

Is that weird that I would even assume that?

My mind can drift back and recall my heroes of the faith.

I would have sworn that their personal limit of pain was reached way before any change occurred.

Abraham was called to leave.  Everything.  Pick up and go to a destination he would be told.

Most of us would say that calling alone was enough to stress a man to his limit.

This was only the beginning for Abraham.

How about Daniel?

He was taken captive early in life.

I mean if I were kidnapped and taken to a different country then I am not sure I would think my journey with faith was just beginning.  I would think that surely the climax has happened.

Job?
He received such a compliment from God that his suffering was personally appointed.

He lost money and fortune.
He lost children.
He lost his health.
I wonder if he thought he had even lost his mind?
He lost time.
He lost his dream.

Yet....he did not lose God.

Faith must be chosen.  Over and over.

Salvation is not the same as daily faith.

I smile at a lot of people that I would call brothers and sisters in Christ that are sealed and saved by having placed their faith in  Jesus.

I know far less than that who are willing to wait, hope, believe, endure suffering, ridicule, pain, heartache, betrayal and loss and STILL boast of a fruitful and joyful faith.

This is not a pious attempt at judgement.  I get it.

Following Jesus through deep pain and loss is gut-wrenching.

If you are like me you look toward heaven and think, "you could stop this." 

So my best guess as a fellow traveler through this world is that there is not a limit to pain.

There is a parallel to pain though.

Grace has no limit.
Mercy is continually new.
Love abounds.
Light (even a sliver of it) can shatter the darkness.
And hope is the beacon that never quits calling us.

My husband and I have been waiting, believing, hoping for God to do the miracle He has told us He will do: heal our daughter.

This June will be 14 years.

If you are calling me an idiot I don't really blame you.

Pretty sure I would give myself that label.

But hope cries out to me even louder.

I would have told you that I reached my pain and sadness limit years ago.

Turns out~ I was wrong.

God knew he would be growing me in grit.  A strength would emerge to surprise even me.

Let me encourage you with the words of Isaiah.  Some of you, like me, are hanging on to the smallest hope....

"Look at my servant, whom I strengthen.  He is my chosen one, and I am pleased with him.  I have put my Spirit upon him.  He will reveal justice to the nations.  He will be gentle- he will not shout or raise his voice in public.  He will not crush those who are weak or quench the smallest hope...." Is.42:1-3


These beautiful words were written about our Jesus long before he ever came to this world.  But his purpose was clear.  He would come to bring the Spirit of God to a dying world.

But He doesn't stop with salvation. Although he certainly could.

He is especially attentive to those who are weak and have the smallest hope.

That would be me.

Maybe that is you too.

I will choose even the smallest hope over no hope at all.


Oh Father help me to walk in the fullness of joy you have for me.  Pain is all around and some days I feel smothered underneath it. I repent of apathy and laziness to fight for my faith. You came to this earth and endured pain and suffering.  You say to me that I can have full faith in the midst of heartache.  Please help me with that.  Also help me to love and serve those around me that are struggling as well.  We want grit and stubbornness in our faith.  Help us to choose it when it feels absurd to do so.  You are so worth it.  You are faithful.  Make us worthy to live out this righteousness for your Name's sake.  I love you Jesus. Amen.

DO it

God's Word hit fresh this week as I was reminded how much I love to listen and then walk away.

I mean listening counts for something, right?

Listening requires effort.
Listening requires time.
Listening means I actually care about what is being heard.

We can listen to the right music, the right friends, amazing teachers, incredible authors, even God's Word....but still be useless.

In fact, most of us may fall into this category.

Sorry if that hurt your feelings.  It hurt mine too.

But truth is truth no matter whose toes get stepped on in the process.

Listening is a good start.  But to stop there means we are stopping short of the entire purpose of listening.

"For if you just listen and don't obey, it is like looking at your face in a mirror but doing nothing about your appearance.  You see yourself, walk away, and forget what you look like.  But if you keep looking steadily into God's perfect law- the law that sets you free- and if you do what it says and don't forget what you heard, then God will bless you for doing it." James 1:23-25

There are blessings at stake here.

I do not want to cheat myself out of a blessing from God.  Do you?

Let's do this y'all.

Listening to God's Word is step 1.
Obedience to God's Word is step 2.

AS a result of following through with obedience we actually show our faith.

Without obedience....we are simply good listeners.  Nothing more.

"So you see, it isn't enough just to have faith.  Faith that doesn't show itself by good deeds is no faith at all- it is dead and useless." James 2:17

I bet some of you (like me) have been listening a long time.

God has told you to do something.

Maybe you have heard Him tell you to forgive someone...
to persevere in a difficult situation...
to believe Him for healing...
to share the gospel with a friend....
to serve your enemy....
to bless someone financially while remaining anonymous....
to go to someone that has wronged you....
to be generous in your giving...
to trust people although you have been hurt....
to go to counseling....
to repent of your ongoing sin....
to love someone instead of hate them....
to speak with kindness instead of hate...
to fast and pray with joy and diligence....

Whatever it is....you have listened and heard His voice.

Go DO it.

Let your faith be evident in your actions.

A blessing awaits....

Unpacking the Grief...Or Not.

I have not been able to bring myself to sit at this computer and formulate many thoughts....much less write an entire blog post.

Today I will try.

Shep's mama~ our Granny...the heart of the family...lover of Jesus...servant to all...the consummate cheerleader...the eternal optimist...the cook...the garden whisperer...the conversationalist...the warm hug that greeted you upon each visit...closed her eyes to this world and began life anew in glory.

Within 18 days we lost, not one, but two giants in our world.

Shep's daddy was silent strength and fortitude.
Shep's mama was the sound, smell, and sweetness of the farm.

All at once we find ourselves without them.

It still hardly seems real.

If I try I can close off the reality of it.  Because we live 45 minutes from the farm I can just imagine that they are there and we will see them soon.

Out of sight really can help with out of mind.

Being at the farm, however, is an all together different thing.

The vacancy of what was~ is deafening.

I am certain that the days ahead will bring with it our learning curve of this weird new season.

Right now none of us know what to do with ourselves when we are there.

Since leaving the farm following the funeral we have come back to our house and slipped back into our routine.

There is some measure of healing in that.

Routine helps us all.

It reminds us that not all normalcy is lost...

So many people have written cards, sent texts, brought meals and held us up in their prayers.

The questions I get over and over are these, "How are y'all doing?  How is Shep?"

The honest answer to that is that we are doing okay for being in a place we have never been before.

Heaven with the Lord Jesus is this hope we know and cling to that brings the smile.

But there is today and the many tomorrows that lay ahead....all of them without two of the people that mean the most.

I am learning and laughing a little about what is appropriate to say and NOT to say the next time someone I know loses a loved one.

(I used to be ignorant about what to say to a parent of a special needs child....until I became one.  I used to be ignorant about words to offer someone grieving the death of a close loved one...until I became one.  
Going through something difficult does bring the gift of knowing how to handle that particular thing. There is still plenty that I haven't been through that I know nothing about.  And I am quite sure I remain ignorant on those things.)

For believers the given is heaven.

That is the most obvious comfort.

We know they are there.

But to say, "don't be sad because they are in a better place" makes the person left behind feel a little guilty for a sadness they cannot help having.

Loss and grief are hard enough.
Don't make someone feel badly for their sadness too.

The BEST thing to say to someone that is suffering a major loss is simply this, "I am so sorry."

If that seems too simple or leaves you with the need to do more....then DO something for them.

Say less.

For us the loss of Shep's parents feels put away at the moment.

Have you ever come home from a weekend trip away and just left your bag sitting there??

I tease Shep because almost every hunting or fishing trip ends like this.

He comes home and his bag stays at the end of our bed.

Untouched. Unpacked.

One time (trying to prove a point) I left it there just to see how long he would leave it.

Turns out....the bag didn't bother Shep at all.  I think I left it there for almost 3 weeks before my OCD went into complete overdrive.

 He would have been happy to leave it there until his next trip.

The truth is for him that bag holds the memories of a trip that was fun and full of memories made.

Unpacking the bag means the trip is officially over.

We came home from that second funeral and threw our bags of grief down.

Those bags are still sitting there.

Unopened. Untouched.

Unpacking the grief of it all means that they really are gone.

That chore can wait awhile....each one has their own pace.


So, until then, we cry when a fresh wave of reality washes over us.
We catch our breath when we pick up the phone to call them.
We laugh at silly things they would do or say.

We live life today.
We wallow in the grace of this new place.

We continue to trust the One that gives....and takes away.

We resolve to declare that the Lord Jesus is still good.

We know that their departure only solidifies the task before us.

"... to walk in a manner worthy of the Lord, fully pleasing to him, bearing fruit in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God." Colossians 1:10

How Good It Is

My mind is having a bit of trouble grasping that we are nearing the end of February.

Christmas was just 2 weeks ago, right? 

Actually the past few months have been most difficult.

I am not sure how I can look back and time has seemed to drag AND fly by at the same time.

Just over 2 weeks ago we said goodbye to Shep's daddy.

His life here on this earth is over.  My heart ached to watch my sweetheart lose the man that taught him how to be one.

For months we watched his health decline.

Yet we hoped he would turn a corner and improve.

We wanted him here with us.

I was honored to have several days that were well spent at the hospital.  I would drive up and keep my mother in law company.

Her place was beside her man.

She took vows long ago that declared she would be by his side in sickness and in health.

That she was.

Their love and loyalty to each other would leave me breathless on most visits.

I even tried to capture some sweet moments with my phone without infringing on the tenderness of them.

These two photos were taken as she sang over him.

I just sat there and took it all in.

Her beloved husband was slipping away from her.

In faith and surrender she sang about her Savior.

It was extraordinary.

It was one of love's finest moments.

We celebrated his life and home-going on Sunday, February 7th.

All three of his sons and his son in law spoke about Pop.  Each one painting an accurate picture of the man we loved.

That evening I found myself hating to leave the farm.

I despised death and I despised that it left my sweet mother in law without her love of 60 years.

The farm even felt, different, like it was mourning the loss of its long time friend and caretaker.

We lingered as long as possible.  We laughed.  We cried.  We remembered and told stories.

I hugged her tight and long and promised to check in with her the next day.

Monday came and we exchanged encouraging texts.

My heart was still so heavy for her loneliness and grief.

By Wednesday evening I noticed she had not responded to my text message from that day.

I would soon learn that my sweet mother in law was in the hospital battling a twisted bowel.  She was very very sick.
Since then she has endured 2 surgeries to remove dead tissue and remains in  the ICU.  Her body is not recovering like we want.

I have no idea what God is doing and I certainly don't understand the timing and the pain of it.

But He has and is tending to our hearts.

Pain and grief can do a good work in us.

It softens my heart and strengthens my resolve.  At least that is what I have found.

Only God could pull that off.

Each day in the past week has brought with it uncertainty.

For that alone I have relished in the certainty of my God.

I run to Him.

I hide in His arms.

I cry and weep and groan there.

And I sense His peace and comfort.

How Good It Is!

If you knew my mother in law she would be tickled to know end that I would be bragging on her Jesus this way.

Even with my heart longing for the sound of her voice...she would chide me to search to hear His.
Even with grief overwhelming my senses....she would tell me to think upon His goodness and grace.

I am not sure what pain you are enduring this day.

His comfort trumps any other.
His peace is this mysterious gift that engulfs you.
His mercy reaches past your anger...even at Him.


"But as for me, how good it is to be near God!
I have made the Sovereign Lord my shelter,
and I will tell everyone about the wonderful things you do." Psalm 73:28

Not How....But Who

Recently a new friend and I were exchanging texts.

She asked my opinion on a difficult subject.

In her zeal and hunger for the Lord, her mind wanted to somehow fathom how He can be who He is and how He can do what He does.

As I read her text I tried to think through a response that would prove WHO God is and HOW He holds all things together.

I am not sure that a response like that even exists.

No person can grasp the HOW of God.

How He creates something from nothing.
How death answers to Him.
How He can know every single person that has ever lived and those yet to live.
How He names the stars and still bends low to listen to my voice.
How suffering works a glorious purpose.
How a virgin can give birth.
How water can be turned to wine.
How sinners can be clothed with grace and made new.

These statements don't even begin to scratch the surface of our how questions.

The How's of God are endless.

We will wear ourselves out worrying over questions that are already handled.

The How of God isn't our concern.

He invites us, instead, to WHO He is.

This answer would seem to be simple and concise, yet it isn't.

The answer to the WHO of God is like a gift each morning...sitting there waiting to be unwrapped.

The recipient of that gift gets to be delighted and surprised by a God that dares to rock our worlds and meet us with the grace to ground our feet.

He is the answer to our deepest longing.
He is the mystery novel we cannot figure out AND we cannot put down.
He is the drink of water that seems to refill itself and quench our most parched places.
He can be seen in the written words of scriptures as well as the a sunset that won't let us look away.
He stands guard and never sleeps.
He will right every wrong.
He is light and no darkness dwells in Him at all.
He is intimate with our secrets and yet the vastness of the universe is under His feet.
He was faithful.
He is presently faithful.
He will always be faithful.

I have several obstacles staring me in the face that taunt me with their size and immovability.

Fear wonders how.
Faith believes who.

The choice is mine.

If you find yourself fretting....check your choice.

God invites us into His divine space.

The place where our yoke is easy and our burden is light.

Have you ever been under extreme anxiety, heartache or stress and wondered how our burden can be light?

Because our only responsibility is to know God.

And He desires to be known.

Win/Win

Knowing Jesus Christ gives us everything we need to face the unknown that lies ahead.

(Revelation 21:3 NIV) And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God.