A Teacher's Goodbye

We gathered together in a big cluster on the back side of the teacher's parking lot.  In less than 3 minutes the school buses would come around the circle and pass our group.

This is tradition.

On the last day of school we wave goodbye.

We stood there in our blue and gold shirts and blue jeans.  If exhaustion were a garment, we were wearing that too.  

There were veteran teachers that had felt this "last day" feeling many times.  There were the first year teachers that wore the shock of a year suddenly done.  Then the rest of us mixed in.  

We are a hoot.  Such a fun mixed bag of personalities.

Most of our faces held big grins.  Laughter came easy in our crowd and hugs were the norm.

As the buses started pulling around and honking we did what teachers do.  

We began waving like idiots.

We yelled our goodbyes and even blew some kisses into the air.

One after the next the buses rolled by.

Students pressed into the bus seats nearest to us to wave and yell back.

Tears jumped to my eyes.  

I looked around and I was not alone.

Other teachers were crying too.

It's a funny thing~ this profession.

We do it because we love it.

We get our students in August and immediately we get to work learning them so we can teach them.

Teachers are typically pretty great learners.

By the time those students wave goodbye to us in May we know so many things about them:  their learning style, their friends, their hobbies, their seating preference, the music they listen to, their crushes, their challenges, their strengths, inside jokes, nicknames, favorite snacks and personal style.

We know their moods and their jokes and their sarcasm.

We know which students will fall asleep and which ones will catch on quickly to our content.

We know which students will ask to go to the bathroom in every single class and which ones we can trust to heat up our coffee:)

We know who will try to sneak a grab at our phones so they can put selfies on our camera rolls and which students prefer no limelight at all.

We spend 180 days learning these kids so we can adequately teach them.

And then we wave goodbye.

Don't get me wrong....we are so exhausted.  The kids are too.

But saying goodbye just stinks.

All that effort.  Done.

The chapter is closed.

A teacher's goodbye is given with the grace for those students to go forward and the hope that some thing we gave them will last. 

GOODBYE Class of 2025!!

This teacher is better because of you!!

"Blessed are those who find wisdom, those who gain understanding, for she is more profitable than silver and yields better returns than gold.

She is more precious than rubies; nothing you desire can compare with her.

Long life is in her right hand; in her left hand are riches and honor..

Her ways are pleasant ways, and all her paths are peace.

She is a tree of life to those who take hold of her; those who hold her fast will be blessed."

Proverbs 3:13-18

the Life I never Imagined

 There is a verse I have heard for most of my life.   

Growing up in church it is not difficult to become familiar with verses almost by osmosis.  See them over and over...hear them over and over...inundated with them.  It's not a bad thing.  Quite the opposite.  Those sacred words come ringing back at the most interesting moments.

"But, as it is written, What no eye has seen, nor ear heard, nor the heart of man imagined, what God has prepared for those who love him." 1 Corinthians 2:9

I have not spent a lot of time breaking down this scripture or studying the word meanings.  

Yet, on its face, the words seem to be offering a mysterious type of adventure for those that love God.

Mysterious adventure sounds fun, or at the very least, entertaining.  

I love a good mystery.  Intrigue and suspense are right up my alley.

I also love a fun adventure.  Twists and turns and spontaneous highs and lows make memories that last.

As much as I love those things I prefer my life to be lived in a measured manner.

A couple of weeks ago I stood on the beach and got down right amused at the life I am living these days.

The only predictable thing about it is that it is constantly unpredictable.

The Lord is helping me roll with the punches.

He alone knows I am allowing a peace to engulf me in the midst of some personal circumstances that would have had me bound in anxiety and fear not too long ago.

Glory to God.

I watch someone completely precious to me slip away in the clutches of dementia.

I watch another someone live out devotion in such a beautiful and selfless way that I am inspired to tears.

I see a home that once held a singular purpose expand to hold a love it may have never known otherwise.

My heart is full and heavy.

Life does that.  

I go back and forth between moments of unexpected delight and heartaches that scream to my soul that this life is not all there is.  

My imagination lacks the dreams that only God can dream.

I could have never imagined this.

Last Sunday's Sorrow

The familiar tune hit me during worship this past Sunday. I listened to the opening notes with anticipation of the lyrics to come. 

My buddy, who is a lot like a brother to me, began to sing,  

 "Walking around these walls I thought by now they'd fall But you have never failed me yet Waiting for change to come Knowing the battle's won For you have never failed me yet." 

I felt myself moving toward the altar. I am not sure I could have stayed at my seat even if I had wanted to. The pull to worship was too strong. The pull to lay myself at the altar and unburden the weight of life's hardships, disappointments, and sadness was real. Needed. Necessary. As I prayed and cried out to God for things that break my heart, I could hear the congregation singing, like a background soundtrack to my prayers. THIS is CHURCH at its BEST. Unhindered sorrow met with the salve of surrender. My arms lifted in desperation, and praise. 

 The next thing I felt were supportive hands on my back. I could hear whispered prayers on my behalf. I had no idea who it was. Honestly, I didn't care. A desperate soul desires the prayers of anyone. The troops were rallying. Kind and compassionate souls saw a fellow sister on her knees and were moved to intercede, not just at their seat, but WITH her. 

In moments I felt someone else. She gripped my shoulders and began to pray out loud. Immediately tears started to fall. I knew who this was. We do not share the same genes, but she IS a sister no less. She has been with me in this journey for years. She knows the in's and out's of my present situation. Her own life is not absent of fears and worries. In fact, her life is full of them. YET... Here she was....at the altar crying out on MY behalf. Faith needs a family. Sorrow needs to be surrounded and shouldered. Her prayers were bold. She asked God to do things for me. She asked God to remind me, to hold me, to strengthen me, to sustain me. She did not shrink back from the reality of the situation and how hopeless it feels. Nor did she act as if God was distant or weak. She pressed in with her own faith to feed my own. It felt so good to have someone else asking God for answers that seem long forgotten. Her words bolstered me. Her faith made my burden feel lighter. Her love and support silencing the sting of lonlieness felt in recent days. As the song came to a close and her prayer ended we stood and embraced at that altar. 

What started out as an act of desperation on my part resulted in a meeting of hope. This is what God does. This is why we need our church body. One day we will no longer deal with sickness, pain, despair, injustice, lonliness, doubt, fear, and the sin that still wants to lead us astray from the One we love. Until then, we have an option. Go to the altar. Collapse there. Cry. Raise your hands to God. Let your guard down. Ask. Beieve. Allow others the joy and privilege of praying for you. Salvation requires the faith of one person. Living a life of faith requires help and support from others.  

 Psalm 13 "How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I take counsel in my soul and have sorrow in my heart all the day? How long shall my enemy be exalted over me? Consider and answer me, O Lord my God; light up my eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death, lest my enemy say, 'I have prevailed over him.' lest my foes rejioce because I am shaken. But I have trusted in your steadfast love; my heart shall rejoice in your salvation. I will sing to the LORD, becasuse he has dealt bountifully with me."

Careful, Child of God

I wonder how many times I speak or have spoken the words to my children, "be careful."

These words seem to be the mantra of every parent every where.

So much so that these words lose the potentcy that they should instill.

The warning somehow becomes dull.

Overdone by repetition and overused at every turn.

How is one to "be careful?"

Breaking it down......BE: exist; live

CAREFUL: cautious in one's actions; avoiding danger or harm; showing thought and attention

These words have been rolling around in my mind for a few weeks.
I feel a bit like the nudge is coming from the Lord.

The culture in which we live is a constant roar of noise, opinions, and pointless banter.

I find myself admiring those that quietly make a difference by being distinctly different and refreshing in the face of what is the norm of the day.

The norm these days is hurried, busy, indifferent, undisciplined, sporadic, uncommitted and careless.

 Utterly frightening, isn't it?

Those adjectives describe me.  Not just on a bad day...but often times on a normal day.

Maybe these words describe you as well ...going throughout our day....fighting our respective battles...living our lives....and making decisions.

These words are what we have become...and even what we seem to be ok with.

As a follower of Christ I sense that He is saying to me,  "Be careful, child."

As I think and pray and relect on what He means I think I am coming to a conclusion.

In the culture of darkness that surrounds us we must take care to live and exist in a manner that is thoughtful and attentive to what matters most;  to be cautious in our actions and words to not cause harm or danger to the cause of Jesus Christ.

This requires care.

Intentionality.

A steadying of the soul that can only be the result of God Almighty doing it himself.

Being a careful follower of Christ does not mean that caution~ trumps~ faith.

It acutally means the opposite.

Faith~assurance in the One that holds all things together~IS the very essence of steady, hopeful, disciplined, thoughtful and careful choices.  There is nothing wishy-washy about faith.

As I look at the example of my Jesus I notice how he was indeed careful.

He did not hurry.
He was never too busy.
He could not tolerate indifference.
He was disciplined and measured....choosing sometimes to speak and other times to not speak...to act and other times not to act.
He did nothing sporadically but did all things with passion and purpose.
He was committed to the cause of setting things right again.  Above all else...he came knowing he had already commmitted to die.
He was never careless.

Isn't this a lovely picture of someone that could stand OUT in any culture?

He is our example.

Let's be careful wiith our words.
Our tone..our body language.

Let's be careful with what captivates our time and attention.

Let's be careful with our commitments.  Good and best are rarely the same and choosing between the two is tricky.  Prayer is required.

Let's be careful to live and exist in a way that would never cause harm or shame to the One we profess to love and worship.

Take care, child of God. Be careful.

The are many to win to Him....and so much to lose.

Philippians 4: 4-5 "Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again; Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all."

Colossians 3:12-14 "Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved , clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.  Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grieveance against someone.  Forgive as the Lord forgave you.  And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them together in perfect unity.

1 Thessalonians 4:11 "...and to make your ambition to lead a quiet life: you should mind your own business and work with your hands, just as we told you, so that your daily life may win the respect of outsiders and so that you will not be dependent on anybody."

James 1:19-20 "My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness God desires."

James 1:26 "Those who consider themselves religious and yet do not keep a tight rein on their tongues deceive themselves, and their religion is worthless.  Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world."

Day 1 of a New Decade

Last night I managed to stay awake to see the clock strike midnight.

We had family over to spend the night to celebrate the occasion in our low-key Helton style.  
Food on the grill filling the air with wonderful aromas and music in the background set our atmosphere as we piled around the table laughing and learning a new game that made our nerves both excited and raw.

It was such a fun night.

Noise-makers sounded off as we began to count backward from 10 down to 1 and we watched the ball drop.I would not have traded my comfy couch seat for a spot in NYC for anything.

My sweet man shared a kiss with me to welcome in 2020.  

It was worth the bags under my eyes this morning.

My soul has been rejuvenated from this 2 week break from school.

It has been a respite that was desperately needed.

Our Christmas was completely special even with the flu hitting my mama pretty hard and changing up some of our holiday traditions.  We rolled with the changes and made the best of things.

Early on in December I experienced something that shook me to the core.  

It was an unexpected encounter between the Lord and me as I sat surrounded in a large room full of people.

However those folks might as well have not been there.  

It was as if Jesus orchestrated a date for the two of us....just He and I.

He was speaking and I could hardly take it.

I cannot recall a time when I felt so exposed and vulnerable.
I was squirming in my seat and all I wanted to do was run out the nearest door and escape the smothering sense of all-knowing God meeting me right where I was.

It was too much.

The context hit too close to home.

A speaker was speaking but I cannot remember her name.

Instead a very LOUD conversation was taking place in my head.  

Prayers were silently spoiken to the Lord and the speaker would literally say back what I had just prayed.

Except how could she know?

My prayers were incredibly precise and specific.

Her words and biblical references felt like a hammer prying into a concrete wall that encased my heart.

Precise and specific as my own.

I left there undone.

The God of Heaven was pursuing me and I was terrified.

Scared to believe it was true and scared not to believe it.

Here I sit almost a month later.  

No answers.

No closer to why that happened.

I want to know.  I need to know.

That encounter allowed a crack of hope to light up my world.

Truthfully I have grown accustomed to the dim-lit days as of late.

It is my new normal.  

The weight of that event blew some wind into the embers of hope that I assumed were now dormant.

This longing in my heart has been awakened anew and I am not sure how to navigate it.

I have taken my requests to God.

After time in His Word and petitioning Him in prayer I come away with no answers to my questions.  Instead I am given reminders that He is my PEACE.

Instead of seeking my answers I am to rest in the PEACE of my JESUS.

My inner child wants to pitch a complete fit.

I want to rail against His authority and insist that anwers to my questions will make my life better.  

He knows better.

This pivotal moment is one that will reveal my character.

Will I trust His way to simply be my peace?
Will I wait and surrender to His timing?

Or will I demand my own way and be dissatisfied with nothing less?

Too many times I have done the latter....

But today, day 1 of 2020, I relinquish my will to Him.

I will cling to Jesus instead of insisting on my answers.

My life is supposed to be all about Him.

That saying usually ends up on a sign that gets placed in my home rather than the mantra that drives my heart.

My life is not my own.
I was bought with a price.
I will trust and obey....answers or not.

Psalm 115:1 
Not to us, Lord, not to us 
but to your name be the glory,
because of your love and faithfulness.

Praise be to the name of God for ever and ever;
wisdom and power are his.
He changes times and seasons;
he deposes kings and raises up others.
He gives wisdom to the wise 
and knowledge to the discerning.
He reveals deep and hidden things;
he knows what lies in darkness,
and light dwells with him.
Daniel 2:20-22

Over Halfway

It saddens me that my last post was the first day of school.

That was 5 and a half months ago.

I imagined this blog coming alive again with daily, or at least weekly, stories of trying to do this full time working wife, mom, teacher, friend, daughter thing. Funny stories.  Life lessons.

Let me just be honest~ that was wishful thinking.

Dinner has not gotten prepared most evenings....so a blog is pretty low on my list.

As sweet people have asked me how I am adjusting to this new life I have tried to be brutally honest.

I feel as though I am on a see-saw and I am trying to keep things balanced.

If I am rocking it as a teacher~ then I feel as though I am failing as a wife/mom.
If I am rocking it as a wife/mother~ then I am bombing it as a teacher.

See what I mean?

See-saw. Up. Down. Trying to find balance....and my new normal somewhere in this craziness.

I would also be lying if I said that my identity has not taken a hit.

I miss the old me. My old life.  My down time.  My alone time.

But God has undoubtedly called me to this...teaching in public school....for now.

For the past 16 and a half years my identity has been a stay at home mom.  In addition to being with my babies, I was also honored to serve the community in several different and fulfilling capacities.

Crisis counseling, jail mentoring and Thursday morning ladies bible study were the highlights of my week.

Saying "yes" to the Lord for this season in school meant walking away from all of those things.

Just as being Shep's wife and Caroline, Ava and Zeke's mom are a part of who I am...these things felt sort of that way too.

So changing that up has left me feeling a bit lost and insecure.

Now my role is wife, mother and teacher.

Two of those roles are like breathing to me....but that last one is still a bit shaky.

I must say that I have fallen head over heels in love with approximately 70 rascal 8th graders.

But my life consists of being at home to sleep and do house/family things....or being at school.

These kids teach me things all the time.

But THIS job is tougher than crisis counseling, jail mentoring and bible study all thrown together.

I cannot tell you the number of times I have thrown my head back and looked to heaven and asked God, "Are you sure about this? "

Being unsteady on my feet is not my strong suit.  I imagine it is not yours either.  We want to be confident.  Strong.  Unshakable.

About the only thing strong, unshakable and confident in my life these days is that my faith remains in the One that called me.

Nothing else has to make sense.  Nothing else has to even feel ok.

Just knowing that I am where I am supposed to be somehow brings the peace that covers the hundred unknowns.

The Lord has crossed my path with some pretty fantastic co-workers.

Today I even got to lead a Thursday morning bible study with sweet co-workers before school.

How cool is that?

The Lord gave me back a little of what He asked me to leave.

Instead of walking into my church to study God's Word, I got to walk into my classroom to do it.

And I believe that God is intentional and He is in the details.

So when I was approached about leading a ladies bible study on Thursday mornings before school....I closed my eyes and imagined the Lord grinning at me.  His child.

He knows I am a bit lost.
He knows I miss doing the things that have meant so much to me over the past 10 or so years.
He knows I am doing my best to obey His leading.
He knows that nothing lights me up quite like opening His Word and delighting in His promises with other gals.
He knows that I wonder if I am doing a good job.
He knows.

So on this Thursday morning...the teacher got to be the bible study leader again...it was like riding a bike.

Jesus pedaling and me enjoying the ride and the view....wide-eyed from the handle bars.

If you are in a season of sameness or on a new adventure and feel a bit unnerved and overwhelmed....rest assured...HE KNOWS.

Your obedience~ despite feelings~ is precious and seen by your God.

"For we are his workmanship, having been created in Christ Jesus for good works that God prepared beforehand so we may do them." Eph.2:10

4:48 AM

I love sleep.

More than that, I adore sleeping in.

This morning, however, these peepers popped wide open at 4:48 am.

I can feel the adrenaline rushing....the nerves firing....a new adventure awaits and my mind and body are feeling the effects.

Today marks Round 2 for me.

A "full circle" kind of day.

A day I honestly NEVER SAW COMING.

But God did.

He planted the idea in my head (and in my heart) back in May while we were on a family vacation.

After much prayer and doors swinging WIDE OPEN~ that little planted idea has become a full fledged reality.

Sixteen years ago I walked out of Cass Middle School ready to take on the task of being a stay-at-home mom.

I have loved every wonderful, difficult and exhausting moment of those 16 years.

Today I walk back into that school as a teacher.  Again.

I even get to work on the same hallway (there is that full circle part:).

But this gal is not the same person that taught all those years ago.

This girl has grit that the other gal didn't know existed.

This girl has the perspective of being a parent and loving three very different and unique kids.

This girl's heart has more compassion, tenacity, patience and humor than she did before.

Somehow 16 years of working in your home and volunteering with the broken of this world has a way of smoothing some of our character's very rough edges.

I am excited y'all.

Pray for me.

I get the privilege of teaching and influencing kids.

That is no small task.  I feel the weight of that responsibility.

But there is a giddiness too.

I guess that is why I was wide awake at 4:48.

Giddiness.

But, hey, there are way worse ways to begin your day.

Today I look ahead with gratitude, grit, and giant grin.  It's hard to hide my giddiness.