Over Halfway

It saddens me that my last post was the first day of school.

That was 5 and a half months ago.

I imagined this blog coming alive again with daily, or at least weekly, stories of trying to do this full time working wife, mom, teacher, friend, daughter thing. Funny stories.  Life lessons.

Let me just be honest~ that was wishful thinking.

Dinner has not gotten prepared most evenings....so a blog is pretty low on my list.

As sweet people have asked me how I am adjusting to this new life I have tried to be brutally honest.

I feel as though I am on a see-saw and I am trying to keep things balanced.

If I am rocking it as a teacher~ then I feel as though I am failing as a wife/mom.
If I am rocking it as a wife/mother~ then I am bombing it as a teacher.

See what I mean?

See-saw. Up. Down. Trying to find balance....and my new normal somewhere in this craziness.

I would also be lying if I said that my identity has not taken a hit.

I miss the old me. My old life.  My down time.  My alone time.

But God has undoubtedly called me to this...teaching in public school....for now.

For the past 16 and a half years my identity has been a stay at home mom.  In addition to being with my babies, I was also honored to serve the community in several different and fulfilling capacities.

Crisis counseling, jail mentoring and Thursday morning ladies bible study were the highlights of my week.

Saying "yes" to the Lord for this season in school meant walking away from all of those things.

Just as being Shep's wife and Caroline, Ava and Zeke's mom are a part of who I am...these things felt sort of that way too.

So changing that up has left me feeling a bit lost and insecure.

Now my role is wife, mother and teacher.

Two of those roles are like breathing to me....but that last one is still a bit shaky.

I must say that I have fallen head over heels in love with approximately 70 rascal 8th graders.

But my life consists of being at home to sleep and do house/family things....or being at school.

These kids teach me things all the time.

But THIS job is tougher than crisis counseling, jail mentoring and bible study all thrown together.

I cannot tell you the number of times I have thrown my head back and looked to heaven and asked God, "Are you sure about this? "

Being unsteady on my feet is not my strong suit.  I imagine it is not yours either.  We want to be confident.  Strong.  Unshakable.

About the only thing strong, unshakable and confident in my life these days is that my faith remains in the One that called me.

Nothing else has to make sense.  Nothing else has to even feel ok.

Just knowing that I am where I am supposed to be somehow brings the peace that covers the hundred unknowns.

The Lord has crossed my path with some pretty fantastic co-workers.

Today I even got to lead a Thursday morning bible study with sweet co-workers before school.

How cool is that?

The Lord gave me back a little of what He asked me to leave.

Instead of walking into my church to study God's Word, I got to walk into my classroom to do it.

And I believe that God is intentional and He is in the details.

So when I was approached about leading a ladies bible study on Thursday mornings before school....I closed my eyes and imagined the Lord grinning at me.  His child.

He knows I am a bit lost.
He knows I miss doing the things that have meant so much to me over the past 10 or so years.
He knows I am doing my best to obey His leading.
He knows that nothing lights me up quite like opening His Word and delighting in His promises with other gals.
He knows that I wonder if I am doing a good job.
He knows.

So on this Thursday morning...the teacher got to be the bible study leader again...it was like riding a bike.

Jesus pedaling and me enjoying the ride and the view....wide-eyed from the handle bars.

If you are in a season of sameness or on a new adventure and feel a bit unnerved and overwhelmed....rest assured...HE KNOWS.

Your obedience~ despite feelings~ is precious and seen by your God.

"For we are his workmanship, having been created in Christ Jesus for good works that God prepared beforehand so we may do them." Eph.2:10