Fighting for every inch....

seems hopeless when it seems there are miles and miles and miles to go.

I haven't written because I have been shaking my fists at God.

I have declared praise to God for Caroline's desire to eat. She loves it. She wants it. Each day we try new things and watch as she either likes or dislikes it.

Yes, God has given her the "want to" but He has not chosen to give her the ability to eat. By ability I mean allowing her to feed herself or help us. She is still completely dependant on us to feed her.

Feeding her is and continues to be work...hard work.

She eats best lying down. Yes, I said lying down.

Why? Because she has very bad head control....meaning she can't hold her head up for very long periods of time and so if you put food in and her head falls....guess where the food goes. Yep. It falls out of her mouth and onto her clothes, the floor, and her hair mostly. We average going through about 3 dish towels and countless paper towels while trying to feed her one meal.

Now if she is lying down she doesn't have to fight for head control and she can simply focus on eating.

(Back to raising my fists at God)

Going through this every day and several times a day is tiresome and frustrating at best.

So, I have gotten angry.

Why would He give her the desire and not the capability?
Have we waited seven and a half years for this....the "want to"?
What is the miracle in this?
When He healed people in the Word, He did it instantly. Is every little advancement Caroline has going to be a fight for us?

Lord, I am ashamed. I know that You alone have awakened this desire in Caroline to eat. I am grateful to watch her enjoy the new tastes of things. But, what now? Nothing else has changed. If you are going to heal her in a progression...just how slow is it going to be? I feel like I fight for faith each day. I fight for any hope I have. I am tired of fighting. It seems I only gain an inch at a time and still I feel beat.
I am only writing these horrible thoughts on this blog because I feel You desire for me to be real. You remind me all the time that faith isn't pretty. Well, here it is. Mine is a wreck. I am stubbornly holding on to what You have told us while looking for physical proof that You are working to make it happen. I am utterly confused at what you are doing. I know that doesn't stop or change Your plan but I just need to get it out.

I feel a little bit teased like the kid who got to put one foot inside the candy store only to be told he couldn't go on inside. He just had to stay where he was....

That is how I feel. It felt like something was happening. Something was changing in her...she is beginning to eat. The excitement the anticipation day after day...wanting to see more...just knowing that we would. Only no....nothing more. Just more working to try to feed her so that food will stay in. Lord, I want to run in full blast to that candy store and taste all that there is to taste.

I know I can only see this from my pitiful view. I am sure You smile as You allow me to throw a fit like a 2 year old. Your patience is unbelievable. I know I have no right to ask anything of You. I am reminded of how you put Job in his place real quick. Thank you for tearing the veil so that Your children can run to Your throne and throw themselves on Your mercy.

"If you need wisdom- if you want to know what God wants you to do-ask him, and he will gladly tell you. He will not resent your asking." James 1:5