My eyes landed on a sweet picture of two precious little girls who attend my church. I love these little girls and their families. I have known the mommas of these girls for 10 plus years. One reason that these little girls are dear to my heart is that they were born within months of my Caroline. Their mommas and me had swollen pregnant feet together.
Anyway here they were in a picture. They were away at kids camp and by the looks of their smiles, they were having a blast.
~Out of nowhere grief hit me in an unexpected wave.~
I couldn't tear my eyes away. Somehow if I looked hard enough I could almost imagine my Caroline with them.....where she should be.
I wondered how tall she would be standing up beside them.
I wondered if she would be shy or sticking out her tongue silly for a posed picture.
Grief of eleven years made its way in giving my eyes permission to cry and my heart the chance to ache.
God has brought much healing to me in this area. I used to live this way all the time. In days past the open ache spilled out onto everyone I knew. It kept me bitter and cynical, jealous and afraid.
That was exhausting.
Now it just catches me when I don't expect it.
Let me just say that I see nothing wrong with grieving a loss...even for maybe the thousandth time. But staying there, for me, is a disaster and even sinful.
As I cried and ached I found something new entering my heart: anger.
After a few moments it was no longer an innocent moment that had caught me off guard. I was enjoying the grief and the anger that started to accompany it.
Before I knew it I began asking God why other kids got to enjoy seemingly full lives while my little girl was relegated to a life lying on a blanket or being strapped into a wheelchair.
Anger continued its rant toward God and I just let it happen....knowing better...because I am no stranger to this pain.
I couldn't just sit there anymore. I got up and got busy doing the things I was supposed to be doing. But in my heart the rant was still going strong.
It would be hours before I relented and asked God for His mercy and forgiveness.
The grief was good. The tears were good. The dealing with struggle and pain was good.
Giving in to anger and jealousy and bitterness was NOT.
It had to stop.
I hate posting these kinds of blog stories. I hesitate because of how it makes me look to all of you...even though I have no idea who you are.
But this is real.
My enemy wants to steal, kill, and destroy my faith. He wants me to turn my back on the God who loves me, heals me and make me whole.
He will use innocent moments to trigger and thwart natural responses...then play off of them to deceive and capture our attention from the only One who can truly handle our burden.
"You're blessed when you are at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and his rule."
Matthew 5:3 The Message
1 comment:
I appreciate your honesty! Yours is a walk not everyone understands. Struggles are struggles and to deny them certainly doesn't make them nonexistent. We tend to want His strength without our weakness.....but isn't that how it works?
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