I Could Just Lie....

but I won't.

Today is a rough one.

The sun is shining outside but the thoughts that cloud my mind are dark and troublesome.

Whoever said that believers in Jesus don't deal with fear and anxiety?!?

We do.  Those of us that don't lie.

Most days we choose to trust God over those things....

But today I can't seem to.

The onset of summer always throws me into emotional turmoil.  When other moms are planning fun outings for their children I am simply trying to figure out to adjust for 2 kids that want to do everything and 1 child that cannot do anything.

The balance is hard.

Don't get me wrong....we DO plenty of things.  But going to the pool, the library, museums, or anywhere else with an almost 12 year old that wears diapers and has to been carted around in a wheelchair goes from a little difficult to out right almost not-even-worth-it.

I said almost.

It is worth it.  Sometimes.  Sometimes she really enjoys herself but other times she would just rather be at home.  She is uncomfortable and hot and she notices when others stare at her.

In addition to the summer time blues~ she will begin middle school next year.

(Insert scream here)

Middle school doesn't bother me.  Crazy tweens with haywire hormones used to be my job.  I actually taught at the very middle school Caroline will attend when I was pregnant with her.  But I never pictured her entering that school building as she is now.  I just knew God would heal her before then.

But He hasn't. 

And today....it seems as though He never will.

See?  I told you.  Rough day.

But this is the battle folks.

No reason to pretty it up and pretend that our faith only rides the peaks.  Plunges into the valley of despair are the norm too. 

But oh it hurts.

That feeling where your heart drops to your feet on the first hill of a roller coaster...you are grasping for steady solid stable ground...but God allows the plunge...and takes you deeper and farther than maybe you have gone before.

Bigger faith requires new unexplored territory.  God can conquer there too.  But I think He lets us feel it.  If we never battled the fear, dread, and anxiety of the moment then we would never look to the One who gives us peace.

If we only ventured into the safe and settled places we would never cry out, "Oh God please help me.  Come be my Prince of Peace.  You said you would.  Come and do it Lord."

Today I am crying out to Him. My heart is broken again over the same things I have told Him before. He knows. He is here.  He hears.  He hasn't whisked me out of this place just yet. This particular pain holds a purpose and I can be ok with that.

I can tell He has grown me some. 

The proof of that is that I am not lying in bed all day with the blinds drawn or rocking back and forth in the fetal  position....useless....paralyzed by fear and uncertainty.

Instead I have lived this day.  A little bit mad. A little bit sad.  But hope, the whisper of it, never leaves.

God's Word tells us that we have mercies waiting on us each day.  I believe that mercy is the only thing that has carried me through this day. 

Right now I have 2 choices.  Despair or Wait (and trust).

Can I please have door number 3?

Oh yea....there isn't one. 

Despair leads to nowhere good.

 But waiting feels much like the same thing...helpless....useless...depressing...and the ever--------------slowly---------------passing------------------of ---------------------time.

Today I will choose to wait.  Again.

But I want to throw the tantrum about it.  Is that fair to say?

"I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. Wait for the LORD; be strong and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the LORD."  Ps. 27:13-14 NASB