Helpless

Last week was a spiritual doozy for this gal.

It seemed like each day held some type of mental assault.  These days aren't exactly new but when you string 2 or 3 days like this together...it becomes too much.

As I look back nothing big really happened.  Discouragement just wanted to be my best friend.  By day 2 I could really feel myself letting go of the resolve to stand strong in faith.  The flow of discouragement seemed so much easier so I jumped in.

Add to that a bad news phone call from a doctor and a message, that was supposed to uplift, but left me just plain sad...

Then the doorbell rings.  I go to open it and see that a package has been left.

***Had I known the crying that would ensue after opening this package I would not have done it***

I opened the package and lifted out several sample diapers.

The words "youth/adult small" might as well have punched me in the stomach.

Tears came quick.  Moans came from my mouth.  Anguish engulfed me.

As long as I can go into a store and purchase diapers for Caroline...she is still a little.  These diapers smacked me right in the face.  I held the proof in my shaking hands that she isn't so little and this situation really is very hard.  More than hard actually...exhausting and excruciating at times.

For anyone who looks at me and thinks I have it all together....
For anyone who thinks that I am strong and smart and super spiritual...


Think again.  

These are the real days.  

This day happened to be a Wednesday.  I called my husband and cried to the only other person who gets our life and situations like this one.

He listened and hurt with me.

I ended up taking the kids to church and coming back home.

I never skip church.  Ever. 

But I couldn't do it.  I had nothing in me to serve. Or worship.  Or pray.  Or anything for that matter....

I came home and collapsed on the couch.

As I laid there and cried a picture began to take shape in my mind.

I had been asking God to help me understand child-like faith.

And here I was laying on a couch.  Helpless. 

Babies are helpless.

Babies can do nothing except cry out.

Babies are completely and utterly dependent on their caregivers to provide their needs.

God was showing me the "how".

After asking Him repeatedly how to have child-like faith...He let me get low enough that I became helpless...JUST LIKE A BABY.

As this understanding began to clear my current fog I sensed Him all around me.  His love was bigger than my sadness.  His love engulfed it all. His love lifted my spirits.  His love calmed my fears.  His love carried my burdens and dissolved my doubt.

His love came when I could do nothing at all.

His love never fails.

His love cannot be explained.

His love isn't deserved.

His love fills every gap that pain and sorrow leaves open and exposed.

His love.

Ephesians 3:17-19New Living Translation (NLT)

¹⁷ Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. ¹⁸ And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. ¹⁹ May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.