Rain couldn't stop us!!

Ava and Joseph (one of her best pals ) were born just two days apart. They have literally played together since birth. Anyway, Joseph's mom and I decided to have a combined birthday party for them. Let me just say that when we planned it...we were hoping for beautiful "springtime" weather. Well, what we got was rainy with a high of about 50 degrees. Oh well, we had to make the best of it. We had rented a big inflatible jumper and (thanks be unto my sweet God) it actually stopped raining during the party. The kids were troopers and didn't seem to mind the cold and wet too much.

I wanted to include pictures of these two. They are precious together. Shep and I along with Joseph's parents (who happen to be some of our best friends) are endlessly amazed at how sweet and attentive they are to each other. I think it has something to do with the boy/girl mix. If this were two boys or two girls it probably wouldn't work this way.

Anyway, the party was a hit! I love the picture of Ava looking at her cake. She was filled with delight...the baking, preparing, worrying, wrapping, buying, and packing was all worth it. That look on her face was priceless to me.

Happy 4th birthday to you.....

(where has the time gone?????)

Oh...the dreaded question

***Remember I am just shy of 10 months past being pregnant*****

Last night I was enjoying moving hanger after hanger as I scowered over consignment clothes at a nearby church sale. I was focused and intent on finding Caroline some clothes. She has hit a growth spurt and suddenly needs new clothes. Anyway, my lips were pursed together and anyone looking at me would have known that I was on a serious mission.

Then IT happened. A friend (who really is sweet and I am sure wants to now bury her head under the ground) approached me. These were her words...

"Did you swallow a cantaloupe?"

Then she smiled at me...with that knowing smile...like she just knew she had uncovered my secret.

Again...she went on..."Are you expecting again?"

At this point my face must have been 20 shades of red as I begin looking down at my waistline to see if there was something protruding that I hadn't noticed when I put my jeans on.
Nope! Nothing had changed!! There was that little shelf of leftover flab from having three kids which I do in fact HATE. But that was all. So maybe that leftover flab screams to other people...pregnant!!

O.k O.k. O.k.

I am getting a grip and I have had several good laughs about it. Some of my friends joined in my painful laughter and tried to console me.

But of course my Lord has pointed out to me that I have to move past this quickly or else it turns into a prideful and vain thing.......I don't want that at all. But.................if you are reading this and you think a woman you see MAY be pregnant. Just don't ask!! Don't even look! It may just be the shelf of flab in her mid-section playing tricks on your eyes. Don't risk the embarassment for yourself or the binge of eating that the lady you ask is going to want to do. :>)

Life today

So...I have been busy today. I have cooked soup (home-made creamy tomato, fennel, and dill and Ava loved it) done laundry, commandeered as Zeke tried to take over the house in his baby walker, and now we are preparing to leave for ballet.

In the midst of all of this we are preparing for Ava and Joseph's (one of her best buds) birthday party. We have rented a big inflatable jumper and wouldn't you know it is calling for rain. I am praying with all that is in me that God would either hold off the rain until after the party or get it all done the night before....can't I pray this with authority?? :>)

My devotion (it was a quick one) said something interesting...

"Even the natural heart of the unsaved will serve if called upon to do so, but it takes a heart broken by conviction of sin, baptized by the Holy Spirit, and crushed into submission to God's purpose to make a person's life a holy example of God's message".

Isn't it sad that often times we have to be "crushed" into submission. I can certainly identify with this one. This "crushing" that God has to do is painful, confusing, and often times lonely. I think about how I am already having to pop Zeke's hand and tell him "NO" in my firm voice. He will cry (especially when I pop his hand) and his little fact looks "crushed" to this mommy. But, I want him to be an obedient kid and one who respects authority. If he learns to respect mom and dad then respecting and submitting to God shouldn't be too much of a stretch for him. It is already a part of preparing him for what is to come....

Well, same with me right?? I have no idea what God has around the corner for me. I do know that this "crushing" into submission is necessary. It will prepare me! He loves me too much to take me to a place without first preparing me for it.

Go get "crushed"!

Ladies Conference

Today was a great day at our church. We had our annual ladies conference. Angela Thomas was our guest speaker...she was wonderful. We also had our former interim pastor's wife give her testimony...it was equally as wonderful.

Anytime a bunch of women get together for anything there is usually laughter and tears. Today was no exception. It was and always is medicine for this soul.

What is it about laughter?? It makes you just feel good all over. I love to laugh. I wish I did it a lot more.
I also love to listen to people laugh. Some of my favorite friends and family have the best laughs. Even if I don't find the topic funny...I will smile and enjoy someone else's laughter.

Today's topic from both of these ladies was just dealing with the unexpected that life may throw our way. Both of their stories entail devastating events that occurred in their lives. They were turned upside down, broken to pieces, and even felt abandoned by God. In hindsight, however, they knew and saw His plan better. They still may not understand but they do see Him written into each day. Every moment of their devastation...He was knee deep in it with them.

This message is so appealing to our world. Pain is no respector of persons. It doesn't acknowledge race, ethnicity, age, religion, or gender. It just is.................................pain is universal. We will all have it at some time. What do we do with it??

My plan right now and what I continue to understand in the midst of my personal pain and struggle is this: don't waste this pain. Take it and run to Jesus. Yell it out...cry it out...talk it out...and when all that is done..............................................................keep pressing on.

Thanks to these ladies...I was encouraged today. My Lord was glorified through them. I saw His power resonating through their stories. I want that too. I want to tell my story one day and encourage others as well. The difference is that I don't want to be alone telling my story...I want my sweet Caroline standing right beside me.

Until then....we wait on Him. We learn in this process....and we keep living every single day.:>)

Me and Caroline

I am just sitting here with my girl. She is babbling on and on to me. For those of you that do not get the privilege of spending time with Caroline...she loves to talk. Talking is a stretch....she doesn't say words necessarily...but she babbles with loud noises and funny facial expressions. I just know she is telling me all about her day...what she has thought about. I even think she tells me of her talks with Jesus.

I am sure she has them. She is so pure of heart. She is weak physically and I know He tends to her.

She cracks me up. She is beautiful and loves to laugh. She also loves men...Shep(daddy), grand-daddy, Pop, Pa Paw Wes, J.P., Derrick, Jon, Drew, Craig, Danny and the list goes on. I think she is typical and likes the attention.

This is what most people assume incorrectly about people and kids with special needs. Most people see the handicap and lose sight of the person. Caroline is a hoot and for those people who take the time to know her...they discover how special she is.

When I tell people that Caroline has a temper on her and she can pitch a fit with the best of them...they cannot believe it. Hah!!! She is beyond stubborn!

She will also use "pity" to her advantage. The other day her therapist, Heather, accidentally fell while holding Caroline. Now, she didn't fall far. She was only about 8 inches off of the floor. Well, Caroline was tired of working in therapy and used this event to begin crying like a mad woman. She cried and cried and cried. I held her. Heather apologized. Still 30 minutes later she is still working it.
Then her grand-daddy calls. He asks her if she is feeling alright. (She talks to him at least once a day...we call and I hold the phone down so she can babble to him)

Anyway, as soon as he asks her she pokes out that lip and begins to cry AGAIN. Are you kidding??? It had been 3 hours already....can anyone say DRAMA QUEEN???

Can you imagine? She is this fun now and I can't really even talk to her....what will she be like when Jesus opens her mouth to speak and strengthens her legs to walk. I think we will stay in stitches with her.

Back to the basics

Don't you wish sometimes that you could go back to the "God is great, God is good, let us thank Him for our food. By His hands we all are fed, thank you Lord for daily bread" kind of faith.

The simple basics.

God is great. God is good. We should thank Him always.

This is a season of my life that I am seriously trudging through. I would love to catch a plane and go over it....dig a tunnel and go under it...find some way around it. But nope....trudging THROUGH it. I am not myself. I feel the full weight of all that is swirling around in this head.

I don't think that it is coincidence that I am studying Esther. Beth explains that God is strangely absent from this book of the Bible. Can I relate??? YES!! I feel like God is strangely absent and on purpose I might add. God worked through people and behind the scenes in this book of the Bible. Why does He do that??? This working through me is for the birds....(I am laughing). It is hard.

I will say this though. In the midst of this trudging... I am still finding fresh freedom, mercy, and grace every single time I whisper prayers to my Father. He is there beside me (even if I can't see or feel Him) and He is trudging every step with me...probably even carrying me. I have had some sweet moments with Him the past few days.

Simple things....watching my children do zany and annoying things and enjoying it...finding patience with myself and people when I want to yell and scream (that can only be the Holy Spirit)...loving just "being" with my handsome man...finding freedom in boundaries...and my circle of peeps. Are you kidding me?? Anytime I want to see tangible proof of His love for me I don't have to look too far. He has encircled around me some stubborn folks...they won't for the life of me let me slip too far. You know who you are.....I love you. I don't deserve any of you....your annoying love for me and Jesus both convicts and champions me. Thank you.

GOT JOY??

Talk about convicting?!? Given the past few days of my life...Shep and I have had some pretty intense discussions. We were primarily discussing how most Christians we know just go along trying to make it through life. Where is the joy? What ever happened to the "joy of the Lord is our strength"?
Shep said to me, "Sometimes I feel like joy is a million miles away". I agree. What is wrong here?

Anyway...I am going to march forward and continue to believe God for something that I can't see and don't feel at all. I feel like at least by marching forward...that is a step of obedience in the right direction. And obedience (whether felt or not) brings blessing, right??

I have had many people concerned about me these past few days. So many calls and e-mails of encouragement. I am truly rich....not with money...but with amazing people I get to call friends (and family:>)
I want you all to know I really am o.k.
I just selfishly want things to feel better...and soon.
Can anyone else relate? I just want some of the pain to stop...you know the emotional stuff.
God spoke to me strongly through the first Esther video when Mrs. B was teaching...she said, "Seek God and His will is going to find you". I like that.
It is simple and something that I can tackle right now.

I can't do much. I certainly can't look far ahead or else I start freaking out.
But I can just seek Him.
I want to mean it when I say, "He should be enough".

Father, give me strength through the Holy Spirit within me to get up tomorrow and live the day. Give me ears to only hear You speaking to me. I am fragile and I need your steady hand to guide and sustain me. Help me love and give kindness to Shep and my sweet children. I want joy Lord. True joy...the kind that doesn't wane in difficult times. Show me how to get it.
I admit I can do nothing apart from you and I am tired of trying. Help my unbelief...