Harsh

We had the opportunity to slip away for a few days and enjoy a much needed Fall break.  The entire trip was wonderful.  Really wonderful.  Hopefully I can post some pictures later...

The point of this blog, though, is to pass on a lesson that the Holy Spirit taught me while we were away.

I noticed it almost immediately when I walked into the master bathroom in the condo.  The light in the bathroom was harsh.  I looked at my reflection in the mirror and noticed every single flaw in high definition. I wanted to look away immediately.

(Let me stop right here and say that I am not a girl that fixates on every little thing I hate about my body.  I am 37 years old.  There are things that just come with the territory.  My roots are graying some.  I have stretch marks.  There are lots of fine lines that have emerged from seemingly nowhere.  And there is weight that I carry in certain spots that, despite my best effort, intends to stick with me. I know this and I am okay with it.)

I am pretty sure that this particular light was fluorescent in nature.  Walking into that bathroom became something that I dreaded doing.  However, it was a place I also couldn't avoid. 

God had something to show me.  For five days he used harsh light in a bathroom out of town to convict and correct a place in my heart that desperately needed some softening.

Basically what He said was this, "Andrea, I am the Light of the World.  I told you this in my Word. (John 8:12)  You are to be a reflection of Me.  My light lives within you.  When you walk into this world and take My light...be a gentle light that draws people.  Do not be a harsh light that repels people further from me."

This bathroom light did what lights do.  It chased darkness away.  However it illuminated its brightness in harsh ways. 

When we came home I walked into my bathroom and breathed a huge sigh of relief.  The light was gentle.  Every single flaw in my appearance was not magnified and scary to see.  The flaws were still there but the light was kinder to them.

Those of us who have the Holy Spirit living within us are the Light to this fallen world.

We can shine bright in two different ways.  We can be harsh or we can be gentle.

To those walking in darkness a gentle light can speak just as loudly as a harsh light.  Sometimes I think that we feel in order to be heard we must be harsh.  I think it only pushes people further away. 

As one who has been gloriously rescued by the Light of the World, Jesus Christ, I want to remember that I used to walk in darkness.  Some days I even choose to now...even with salvation in tact.  Some days I am mustering every bit of courage and faith I can to let my little light shine.  God help me when I get too harsh with it.

Help me Lord to not be so quick to illuminate someone's flaws. 

Don't we want to sometimes? 

Don't we want to expose the weakness, meanness, and sin in another to avoid our own?

But if we will simply, humbly, and gently shine then the Kindgom of God will illuminate with lives on Earth that point to our saving Light~ Jesus.

I am so thankful that He is never harsh or unkind with me.  Firm~ yes.  Mean~ never.

Let us be like Him. 

Shine on saints of God.

Gentle and pure...let's follow Jesus and attract some others with His kind of Light.

You are the light of the world.  A city set on a hill cannot be hidden; nor does anyone light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on the lampstand, and it gives light to all who are in the house. Let your light shine before men in such a way that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father who is in heaven."  Matt. 5:14-16

Matthew 5:14-16

Verse Concepts

"You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden; nor does anyone light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on the lampstand, and it gives light to all who are in the house. "Let your light shine before men in such a way that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father who is in heaven.
- See more at: http://bible.knowing-jesus.com/topics/Being-A-Light#sthash.wVy4TKSa.dpuf

Matthew 5:14-16

Verse Concepts

"You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden; nor does anyone light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on the lampstand, and it gives light to all who are in the house. "Let your light shine before men in such a way that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father who is in heaven.
- See more at: http://bible.knowing-jesus.com/topics/Being-A-Light#sthash.wVy4TKSa.dpuf

Matthew 5:14-16

Verse Concepts

"You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden; nor does anyone light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on the lampstand, and it gives light to all who are in the house. "Let your light shine before men in such a way that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father who is in heaven.
- See more at: http://bible.knowing-jesus.com/topics/Being-A-Light#sthash.wVy4TKSa.dpuf

Matthew 5:14-16

Verse Concepts

"You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden; nor does anyone light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on the lampstand, and it gives light to all who are in the house. "Let your light shine before men in such a way that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father who is in heaven.
- See more at: http://bible.knowing-jesus.com/topics/Being-A-Light#sthash.wVy4TKSa.dpuf

Matthew 5:14-16

Verse Concepts

"You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden; nor does anyone light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on the lampstand, and it gives light to all who are in the house. "Let your light shine before men in such a way that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father who is in heaven.
- See more at: http://bible.knowing-jesus.com/topics/Being-A-Light#sthash.wVy4TKSa.dpuf

Matthew 5:14-16

Verse Concepts

"You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden; nor does anyone light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on the lampstand, and it gives light to all who are in the house. "Let your light shine before men in such a way that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father who is in heaven.
- See more at: http://bible.knowing-jesus.com/topics/Being-A-Light#sthash.wVy4TKSa.dpuf

Matthew 5:14-16

Verse Concepts

"You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden; nor does anyone light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on the lampstand, and it gives light to all who are in the house. "Let your light shine before men in such a way that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father who is in heaven.
- See more at: http://bible.knowing-jesus.com/topics/Being-A-Light#sthash.wVy4TKSa.dpuf

Matthew 5:14-16

Verse Concepts

"You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden; nor does anyone light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on the lampstand, and it gives light to all who are in the house. "Let your light shine before men in such a way that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father who is in heaven.
- See more at: http://bible.knowing-jesus.com/topics/Being-A-Light#sthash.wVy4TKSa.dpuf

When Worries Double...Faith Can Too

Shep and I have been walking a single lane road of faith for quite some time.  I guess what I mean by that is this...God has called us to believe something unbelievably big.  If that single lane had a name it would simply be ~ Caroline~.

There have been other concerns over the past 12 years.  The births of our other two children, deaths of extended family and loved ones, financial burdens and  life decisions in general that have turned our faces toward God in faith.

But nothing keeps us at His throne day in and day out like our ongoing belief that He will heal Caroline.

It is an overarching theme.  We continue walking the one-lane road and believe that each step builds bigger faith and brings us closer to that faith becoming sight.

This past week my personal one lane unexpectantly became a two lane road of faith.

Some news that God has known was coming was made known to me.  It answered some immediate questions but presented my family with many more unanswered ones.

I sat in the driveway alone Sunday night and wept with Jesus.

The moment was very tender and sweet.  Where could I go but to my Lord??

Shep loves me to pieces but he can't ease my pain.
My children are precious but they can't settle the storm.
Friends and family can draw near but the pain almost numbs us.

None of these folks are qualified to carry my burdens away.  But Jesus is....

He sat with me at the top of my driveway at dusk and let me be sad.

It was the most appropriate emotion at the time.  He was as real to me as any person sitting there.  He comforted as only He can.

I got up and came in the house with a face wiped of tears and fresh resolve.

More faith would be required for the road ahead.

Thankfully my Comforter also dishes out fresh faith in spades.

Our Caroline still isn't healed. 
Another big opportunity to believe has been given...

What are we to do?

Walk on.

Persevere.

Be thankful.

Live courageous faith filled lives one day at a time.

"But my righteous one will live by faith. And I take no pleasure in the one who shrinks back But we do not belong to those who shrink back and are destroyed, but to those who have faith and are saved." Hebrews 10:38-39

 

A Lesson from Carpet

Yes folks, God can indeed use anything He so chooses to teach us.

For me, on this particular day, it was carpet.

I had missed my morning coffee and treated myself to a BIG 36 oz Styrofoam cup of half diet coke/cherry coke at 8:00 am.  (Don't judge)

I had dropped the kids off at school and had a small window of time to get back home and work on some bible study homework for about 45 minutes.

Settling into my spot on the floor I immediately began writing our scripture down in the designated spot of my bible study book.  Writing relaxes me sometimes.  I was sincerely trying to write and say and soak in the words of scripture while enjoying spontaneous sips from my 36 oz drink.

Well....the inevitable happened.

The drink got knocked over.  Turns out carpet isn't very sturdy for such a top heavy drink.

I jumped up to get some paper towels from the kitchen and returned to find my spilled coke standing on top on the carpet.

Seriously....the carpet was resisting the stain.

Amazed I just stood there watching the carpet do its thing.  Then I tossed the paper towel down on top of the standing coke drops.  They immediately absorbed into the paper towel.  When I lifted the paper towel my eyes could not see where the drops had been originally spilled.  The carpet wasn't even wet.  No stain appeared.  It was as if the spill had never occurred.

Right there I sensed God speaking  to my heart.

Resist sin Andrea.  Resist what spills onto you.  Resist the things that tempt to overtake you.  Resist selfishness.  Resist vanity.  Resist pride.  Resist overindulgence.  Resist the sin that seeks to entangle you and stain your life. Resist jealousy.  Resist gossip.  Resist revenge.

If I am about running to Jesus then resisting sin should be something that comes natural.  This carpet is built to resist stain.  It has specific fibers that the manufacturers used to make it that way.

In an odd comparison....the very fibers of my being were changed the day that Jesus came into my heart.  His Holy Spirit now dwells within me and changes me from the inside out.  When I am weak I run to Him and He helps me resist the sin that tempts this wayward heart.  Whatever should spill onto me can be wiped clean by the nail scarred hands of Jesus.  I am now stain resistant too.

Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.  James 4:7

Selfless Saints

The church gets a bad rap in today's culture.

You often hear the word hypocrite when you mention church at all.

Yes it is full of a bunch of hypocrites.

I am most likely the biggest one of all.

I am a sinner saved by glorious grace.  Although God has redeemed me, I can still be a hot mess some days.  I lose my temper.  I lash out at my husband, children and friends.  I make selfish choices.  I lack faith. I lie.  I over eat.  I shop to make myself feel better.  The list goes on....sadly.....on and on.

But Jesus saved me through His death on the cross.

So....church is made up of other people just like me.  People who blow it when we should know better. 

But this blog post is to honor and esteem some sweet people in my church family. 

I want you all to catch a glimpse of a group of hypocrites humbly serving one of their own.

It is easy to call these folks my family.  They love us, pray for us, minister to us, rally around us, encourage us, and bear our burdens.

I mentioned a few posts back that this was a BIG year of change for us regarding our daughter, Caroline. 

Since she is in the youth group she attends regular church service with us now.

This has hugely changed our time in worship....especially for my husband.

Instead of singing in the choir, he would pull a few chairs out and sit with Caroline in the back of the sanctuary. Once I would finish singing I would come join them.  We would then spend the next 45 minutes trying to keep her quiet and occupied all while trying to soak up what we could of the message.

One Sunday was decent.  The others were tolerable at best.

She would yell out and try to distract on purpose.
She would kick her legs in her wheelchair stroller just to be belligerent.

We were trying our best to train her to sit quietly through the entire service.   Now she can totally do this.  She just doesn't want to.  Handicapped children are bright and can be highly manipulative.  Just ask the parents of these wonderful kids.  Some of them cannot help it....but my girl can.

She was using this time in service to be disruptive so we would be forced to take her out.

As I fretted and worried and dreaded the arrival of each Sunday God was working this from another angle.

He laid it on the hearts of a Sunday school class to help us out.  This class is made up of young grandparents and empty- nesters.  The teachers of this class approached me and Shep about setting up a rotation and allowing Caroline to sit with a different member of their class each week in service.

I was (and still am) overcome. 

How completely kind and selfless for people well past the kid phase to feel led to help out with our special kid.

Yesterday this officially took place for the first time. 

Shep was able to sing in the choir again.

I looked out from singing on worship team and my heart wanted to burst at the sight.  My Caroline was sitting next to her new friend and grinning from ear to ear.

Shep and I then were able to sit together and listen to the entire sermon without distraction.

I just laid my head on his shoulder and appreciated the simplicity of being able to sit by my man again without worry.  Someone else was officially on call.  God had stepped in and given us the day off.

This is church family.

We may be hypocrites who mess up but there are still moments that we shine with the brilliance of God's grace. 

(May I add that Caroline never made a peep during the entire service.  No kicking of her legs and no yelling out.  She just sat happily next to her new friend and listened like a big girl.)

Raw Beautiful Joy

I was stumped this past week in bible study when the writer urged me to think about characteristics of God.  Lots of things come to mind when I think of God: holy, righteous, love, sacrifice, forgiveness, grace, mercy and the Sunday school list just goes on....

But the writer talked about Joy.  The verse quoted was John 15:11, "I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete."

She prompted us to think about God and joy.

To be painfully honest I was embarrassed...even in front of just myself and God.

Joy is not a frontrunner of thought when I think about God. 

I am thinking that this clearly indicates my pessimistic mindset most of the time. Ouch.

Obviously I am wrong here.

God IS joy.

It is a part of His nature.

Just like I grin at my own children when they do things that are trademarks of who they are....I think he grins at us too.  The way we hold our mouth in deep concentration or the way we prefer certain foods over others....

He delights is us.  He delights in His creation.  He delights in our praise of Him.

He delights often but somehow, if you are like me, you rarely focus on that attribute.

A couple of weeks ago I was slapped in the face by a moment of rare, beautiful and raw joy.

A small group of us had met to pray on Sunday evening.  We had broken off into four separate groups to pray for our church, revival, the lost, and some of our most pressing needs.

In my little group sat a man enduring a trial that all parents fear.  His daughter is battling cancer.  She is 10 years old...beautiful, innocent and eyes teeming with vigor and life.  Her recent diagnosis has rocked our church body.  This family is precious.  They serve Jesus and our church with consistency and without complaint.  A rare combination. 
After our time of prayer I asked him how we could continue to specifically pray for each member of his family. He shared a few specifics with our little group. Then he said these words with a genuine grin on his face and tears standing in his eyes, " I hate that I waited this long to come and pray.  I hate that I waited for her cancer to bring me here.   My faith has exploded over the past month.  I know that God wants to use me as I meet others at the hospital who are angry and bitter over the  touch of cancer."

I pray looking back that my mouth was not completely agape. 

But who cares really?

This man, broken and desperate for his daughter, showed me joy. 

He did not sugar coat the pain that he and his family are enduring.  He did not deny that fear comes knocking often.  His face showed the strain and stress that he carries with him. But he also spoke with hope and resolve, tears and a grin.  Yes~ a grin.  Jesus is His closest companion these days. And Jesus gives joy that cannot be explained or understood.

Circumstances cannot touch the joy that Jesus brings.  That being said I believe that joy is not attainable without a relationship with Jesus.

In the seasons of life when troubles overtake us He alone Is our joy.

There is nothing else. 

No wonder we catch glimpses of unbelievable joy amidst those suffering with pain or heartache.  Who looks to the people who seem to have the world by a string and wear constant smiles? 
When every need is met and life is well and good no one even cares to notice the smiles.

It's the others we study.

We watch the people going through the valleys of despair and thank our lucky stars that it isn't us.  But we watch....and wait...and keep watching.

We want to see real JOY.

And when we do catch them in the moment....tears streaming...and somehow catch that smile that shouldn't be there...we know that Jesus is close by.

 “Just as the Father has loved me, I have also loved you; remain in my love.  If you obey my commandments, you will remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Father’s commandments and remain in his love.  I have told you these things so that my joy may be in you, and your joy may be complete.  My commandment is this—to love one another just as I have loved you. " John 15: 9-12

Stirred

My mama makes the most glorious chicken and dumplings.  It is a creamy buttery mixture of goodness that melts in your mouth and makes you want to go lay down somewhere after you have inhaled way more than your share.

In recent years I stepped out and boldly attempted to make her recipe myself. 

I learned a valuable lesson.

Once all of the ingredients are added in this step by step process, one is tempted to walk away and let the stove top do the rest of the work. 

*BIG MISTAKE*

My nose knew it almost immediately.

Those dumplings that I took the time to roll out and cut up were now burnt and stuck to the bottom of my boiler.

Why?

I took a break.  I was supposed to stand there and stir.  Stirring was essential to the recipe.  Stirring ensured that the ingredients properly blended and did not settle to the bottle of the pot to stick and burn.

I recently have seen this same principle in my spiritual life.

If left to myself, without the stirring of a holy God, I become stagnant and settle to the bottom of the pot so to speak....AND I allow myself to be burned pretty easily.

Upon returning from my mission trip I sensed God drop "Haggai" into my heart.

God is so funny.  He whispers hope, grace, peace and conviction into my heart on a regular basis.  But Haggai?

What in the world?!?

So I began to dig around in this little 2 chapter book toward the end of the old testament.

God is still using it to speak to me but one verse jumped out at me almost immediately.

"So the LORD stirred up the spirit of Zerubbabel son of Shealtiel, governor of Judah, and the spirit of Joshua son of Jehozadak, the high priest, and the spirit of the whole remnant of the people." Haggai 1:14

 These people had been called to go back to a work.  They had allowed fear, opposition and hardships to lure them away from this work.  God was not only telling them to go back to it and that HE would be with them.  He stirred their spirits to go back.

That so moves me.

My spirit needs some stirring. 

Settling to the bottom of our circumstances means we have given up on our work.  We have let fear, opposition and hardships lure us away too.

The good news is we don't have to whip ourselves up when we haven't the strength to even lift our heads. 

The LORD will do it....if we will let him.

He stirs.

He stirs the hopeless heart to hope again.
He stirs the weary feet to keep walking.
He stirs the wayward child back toward the path of home.
He stirs a cold unforgiving heart to love again.
He stirs faith into a seemingly impossible situation.
He stirs perseverance into one enduring more of the same.
He stirs trust in the one who has been burned time and time again.

He does it.  He stirs. 

Thank you Jesus for stirring our stale and stagnant and singed souls.  We are so desperate for a God that can stir us again and again.

Here are a few other scriptural examples of God's stirring in the Word....

~"In the first year of King Cyrus of Persia, the Lord fulfilled Jeremiah's prophecy by stirring the heart of Cyrus to put this proclamation into writing and to send it throughout his kingdom."  Ezra 1:1 NLT

(God can stir a pagan king to do His purposes.)

~"Then God stirred the hearts of the priests and Levites and the leaders of the tribes of Judah and Benjamin to return to Jerusalem to rebuild the Temple of the LORD." Ezra 1:5 NLT

~"And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works...." Hebrews 10:24 ESV

(I especially love this one.  God stirs us and the cycle keeps on doing its thing....as we are stirred up...we naturally stir up others.)


Oh God I desire Your divine motion in my life.  STIR ME. Give me Kingdom eyes.  Help me to really see the hurting and the broken people that I pass everyday.  Give me words of encouragement to build them up and speak boldly for the cause of my beloved Christ.  You have set me free Jesus to not be bound again even by stale and stagnant living.  I love you and I repent for the wickedness that tries to defy Your ways in my life.  Help me love you more than anything else.  STIR ME.  May my life stir others to love and good works.  Be glorified Jesus!

More Change

I love a routine.

I thoroughly enjoy a to-do list and, more than that, I love checking things off of said list.

We are mid-way through our 2nd full week of routine again. 

School, snacks, devotions, homework, ballet, soccer, dentists, orthodontists, Awana, family and play time all have to somehow work in conjunction with one another.  As manager of this home...that is my job. 

We have had a few hiccups but we are off to a decent start.

The change of Caroline entering middle school has been physically seamless thanks to some incredible people that work and care for her during her day.  God had them there already waiting on my girl.  They are gifts to me and I enjoy watching them learn all about her. 

Another facet of Caroline being in middle school means the end of her time in the children's ministry at our church.

For the past 12 years we have had the luxury of dropping Caroline off and entrusting her into the care of her preschool and eventually children's ministry teachers. 

Doing this allowed Caroline to have immersed time with her peers AND it freed up Shep and myself to minister and serve in our church. 

Shep has always taught an adult bible class and I am heavily involved in our music ministry. 

As Shep and I began to discuss how to handle Caroline's transition at church we felt that we should try our best to acclimate her into the youth group.  Shep stepped away from teaching his adult class and will be helping out teaching 6th grade boys.  I will hopefully be a floater in the youth group.  My role will be to fill in where support is needed and generally be a presence there.

Plans and intentions are one thing.  Reality is another. 

Last Sunday did not go well.  At least not to me.

Instead of being in a children's class Caroline is now supposed to sit in the first service...the same as her peers.

Shep sat beside her but she was restless and frustrated.  By the time I finished singing and joined them she was pretty worked up. He ended up taking her out of the service right before the preaching so that she wouldn't be a distraction.

I just sat there.

Worshiping with my man is truly a highlight of my week.  Sitting beside him and receiving a word from our pastor is one of my favorite things.

Now I was sitting there alone...totally feeling sorry for myself.  And mad.

Our pastor was preaching his heart out about truly believing God.

My thoughts centered around my own personal ache.
~"Is this our new normal God?"
~"Are we doing the right thing by making her come into the service?"
~"Will we miss church every week now?"
~"Why won't she settle down?"
~"I believe you God.  I do.  Why haven't you healed her yet?"

At the end of the service our pastor called anyone down to the altar that needed a miracle or for God to intervene in a powerful way.

I stood on the stage with tears rolling down and knew there was no way I would be able to sing the ministry song with the team.

Instead I made a beeline for the crowd of those gathered at the altar and I knelt down with others needing a miracle of some kind.

Sobs came and all I could say over and over was, "Oh God help me.  Help my unbelief.  Please help my unbelief."

When the service was over I went looking for Shep and Caroline.  He was waiting for me in the hall.  I looked at him with a desperate look he knows all too well by now and asked, "what are we going to do with Caroline in church?"

His answer was typical and precisely why I need him so much.  He said, "well we are gonna try again next week."

The next hour was Sunday school time for the youth group.  They meet in a large group first and then break out into smaller groups by grade levels.  I sat there and smiled.  I admit that I fake smiled but it was truly all I could manage.  I tried to talk to kids around Caroline and mingle a bit. 

I hugely underestimated how difficult this transition was going to be for me. 

Middle and high schools kids thrive on communication.  My girl can't talk.

These kids run around acting crazy like kids are supposed to act.  My girl is bound to a chair and poor muscle tone keeps her head down a lot of the time.

Teenagers pride themselves on appearances.  I remember that all too well.  My girl is incontinent and still has to wear diapers. 

This process is so incredibly difficult.  It is a path God has called us to walk.

It is not routine or normal in any way.

Truthfully I almost can't bear it.

My church is full of wonderful caring people.  So many of them want to help and intervene to make this easier. 

At this point I am not sure there is an easier path.

Shep's approach, although I loath it, is probably best. 

~Try again.~  And again~

The hard part for me is that trying again....and again.....means feeling it all over again.

Oh God please help me to believe You when my heart and flesh fail. You alone are my constant.  You never change but You require me to trust You in the midst of change that is rocking my world. 

Hebrews 13:8 "God is the same yesterday and today and forever."