More Change

I love a routine.

I thoroughly enjoy a to-do list and, more than that, I love checking things off of said list.

We are mid-way through our 2nd full week of routine again. 

School, snacks, devotions, homework, ballet, soccer, dentists, orthodontists, Awana, family and play time all have to somehow work in conjunction with one another.  As manager of this home...that is my job. 

We have had a few hiccups but we are off to a decent start.

The change of Caroline entering middle school has been physically seamless thanks to some incredible people that work and care for her during her day.  God had them there already waiting on my girl.  They are gifts to me and I enjoy watching them learn all about her. 

Another facet of Caroline being in middle school means the end of her time in the children's ministry at our church.

For the past 12 years we have had the luxury of dropping Caroline off and entrusting her into the care of her preschool and eventually children's ministry teachers. 

Doing this allowed Caroline to have immersed time with her peers AND it freed up Shep and myself to minister and serve in our church. 

Shep has always taught an adult bible class and I am heavily involved in our music ministry. 

As Shep and I began to discuss how to handle Caroline's transition at church we felt that we should try our best to acclimate her into the youth group.  Shep stepped away from teaching his adult class and will be helping out teaching 6th grade boys.  I will hopefully be a floater in the youth group.  My role will be to fill in where support is needed and generally be a presence there.

Plans and intentions are one thing.  Reality is another. 

Last Sunday did not go well.  At least not to me.

Instead of being in a children's class Caroline is now supposed to sit in the first service...the same as her peers.

Shep sat beside her but she was restless and frustrated.  By the time I finished singing and joined them she was pretty worked up. He ended up taking her out of the service right before the preaching so that she wouldn't be a distraction.

I just sat there.

Worshiping with my man is truly a highlight of my week.  Sitting beside him and receiving a word from our pastor is one of my favorite things.

Now I was sitting there alone...totally feeling sorry for myself.  And mad.

Our pastor was preaching his heart out about truly believing God.

My thoughts centered around my own personal ache.
~"Is this our new normal God?"
~"Are we doing the right thing by making her come into the service?"
~"Will we miss church every week now?"
~"Why won't she settle down?"
~"I believe you God.  I do.  Why haven't you healed her yet?"

At the end of the service our pastor called anyone down to the altar that needed a miracle or for God to intervene in a powerful way.

I stood on the stage with tears rolling down and knew there was no way I would be able to sing the ministry song with the team.

Instead I made a beeline for the crowd of those gathered at the altar and I knelt down with others needing a miracle of some kind.

Sobs came and all I could say over and over was, "Oh God help me.  Help my unbelief.  Please help my unbelief."

When the service was over I went looking for Shep and Caroline.  He was waiting for me in the hall.  I looked at him with a desperate look he knows all too well by now and asked, "what are we going to do with Caroline in church?"

His answer was typical and precisely why I need him so much.  He said, "well we are gonna try again next week."

The next hour was Sunday school time for the youth group.  They meet in a large group first and then break out into smaller groups by grade levels.  I sat there and smiled.  I admit that I fake smiled but it was truly all I could manage.  I tried to talk to kids around Caroline and mingle a bit. 

I hugely underestimated how difficult this transition was going to be for me. 

Middle and high schools kids thrive on communication.  My girl can't talk.

These kids run around acting crazy like kids are supposed to act.  My girl is bound to a chair and poor muscle tone keeps her head down a lot of the time.

Teenagers pride themselves on appearances.  I remember that all too well.  My girl is incontinent and still has to wear diapers. 

This process is so incredibly difficult.  It is a path God has called us to walk.

It is not routine or normal in any way.

Truthfully I almost can't bear it.

My church is full of wonderful caring people.  So many of them want to help and intervene to make this easier. 

At this point I am not sure there is an easier path.

Shep's approach, although I loath it, is probably best. 

~Try again.~  And again~

The hard part for me is that trying again....and again.....means feeling it all over again.

Oh God please help me to believe You when my heart and flesh fail. You alone are my constant.  You never change but You require me to trust You in the midst of change that is rocking my world. 

Hebrews 13:8 "God is the same yesterday and today and forever."