Day 1 of a New Decade

Last night I managed to stay awake to see the clock strike midnight.

We had family over to spend the night to celebrate the occasion in our low-key Helton style.  
Food on the grill filling the air with wonderful aromas and music in the background set our atmosphere as we piled around the table laughing and learning a new game that made our nerves both excited and raw.

It was such a fun night.

Noise-makers sounded off as we began to count backward from 10 down to 1 and we watched the ball drop.I would not have traded my comfy couch seat for a spot in NYC for anything.

My sweet man shared a kiss with me to welcome in 2020.  

It was worth the bags under my eyes this morning.

My soul has been rejuvenated from this 2 week break from school.

It has been a respite that was desperately needed.

Our Christmas was completely special even with the flu hitting my mama pretty hard and changing up some of our holiday traditions.  We rolled with the changes and made the best of things.

Early on in December I experienced something that shook me to the core.  

It was an unexpected encounter between the Lord and me as I sat surrounded in a large room full of people.

However those folks might as well have not been there.  

It was as if Jesus orchestrated a date for the two of us....just He and I.

He was speaking and I could hardly take it.

I cannot recall a time when I felt so exposed and vulnerable.
I was squirming in my seat and all I wanted to do was run out the nearest door and escape the smothering sense of all-knowing God meeting me right where I was.

It was too much.

The context hit too close to home.

A speaker was speaking but I cannot remember her name.

Instead a very LOUD conversation was taking place in my head.  

Prayers were silently spoiken to the Lord and the speaker would literally say back what I had just prayed.

Except how could she know?

My prayers were incredibly precise and specific.

Her words and biblical references felt like a hammer prying into a concrete wall that encased my heart.

Precise and specific as my own.

I left there undone.

The God of Heaven was pursuing me and I was terrified.

Scared to believe it was true and scared not to believe it.

Here I sit almost a month later.  

No answers.

No closer to why that happened.

I want to know.  I need to know.

That encounter allowed a crack of hope to light up my world.

Truthfully I have grown accustomed to the dim-lit days as of late.

It is my new normal.  

The weight of that event blew some wind into the embers of hope that I assumed were now dormant.

This longing in my heart has been awakened anew and I am not sure how to navigate it.

I have taken my requests to God.

After time in His Word and petitioning Him in prayer I come away with no answers to my questions.  Instead I am given reminders that He is my PEACE.

Instead of seeking my answers I am to rest in the PEACE of my JESUS.

My inner child wants to pitch a complete fit.

I want to rail against His authority and insist that anwers to my questions will make my life better.  

He knows better.

This pivotal moment is one that will reveal my character.

Will I trust His way to simply be my peace?
Will I wait and surrender to His timing?

Or will I demand my own way and be dissatisfied with nothing less?

Too many times I have done the latter....

But today, day 1 of 2020, I relinquish my will to Him.

I will cling to Jesus instead of insisting on my answers.

My life is supposed to be all about Him.

That saying usually ends up on a sign that gets placed in my home rather than the mantra that drives my heart.

My life is not my own.
I was bought with a price.
I will trust and obey....answers or not.

Psalm 115:1 
Not to us, Lord, not to us 
but to your name be the glory,
because of your love and faithfulness.

Praise be to the name of God for ever and ever;
wisdom and power are his.
He changes times and seasons;
he deposes kings and raises up others.
He gives wisdom to the wise 
and knowledge to the discerning.
He reveals deep and hidden things;
he knows what lies in darkness,
and light dwells with him.
Daniel 2:20-22

Over Halfway

It saddens me that my last post was the first day of school.

That was 5 and a half months ago.

I imagined this blog coming alive again with daily, or at least weekly, stories of trying to do this full time working wife, mom, teacher, friend, daughter thing. Funny stories.  Life lessons.

Let me just be honest~ that was wishful thinking.

Dinner has not gotten prepared most evenings....so a blog is pretty low on my list.

As sweet people have asked me how I am adjusting to this new life I have tried to be brutally honest.

I feel as though I am on a see-saw and I am trying to keep things balanced.

If I am rocking it as a teacher~ then I feel as though I am failing as a wife/mom.
If I am rocking it as a wife/mother~ then I am bombing it as a teacher.

See what I mean?

See-saw. Up. Down. Trying to find balance....and my new normal somewhere in this craziness.

I would also be lying if I said that my identity has not taken a hit.

I miss the old me. My old life.  My down time.  My alone time.

But God has undoubtedly called me to this...teaching in public school....for now.

For the past 16 and a half years my identity has been a stay at home mom.  In addition to being with my babies, I was also honored to serve the community in several different and fulfilling capacities.

Crisis counseling, jail mentoring and Thursday morning ladies bible study were the highlights of my week.

Saying "yes" to the Lord for this season in school meant walking away from all of those things.

Just as being Shep's wife and Caroline, Ava and Zeke's mom are a part of who I am...these things felt sort of that way too.

So changing that up has left me feeling a bit lost and insecure.

Now my role is wife, mother and teacher.

Two of those roles are like breathing to me....but that last one is still a bit shaky.

I must say that I have fallen head over heels in love with approximately 70 rascal 8th graders.

But my life consists of being at home to sleep and do house/family things....or being at school.

These kids teach me things all the time.

But THIS job is tougher than crisis counseling, jail mentoring and bible study all thrown together.

I cannot tell you the number of times I have thrown my head back and looked to heaven and asked God, "Are you sure about this? "

Being unsteady on my feet is not my strong suit.  I imagine it is not yours either.  We want to be confident.  Strong.  Unshakable.

About the only thing strong, unshakable and confident in my life these days is that my faith remains in the One that called me.

Nothing else has to make sense.  Nothing else has to even feel ok.

Just knowing that I am where I am supposed to be somehow brings the peace that covers the hundred unknowns.

The Lord has crossed my path with some pretty fantastic co-workers.

Today I even got to lead a Thursday morning bible study with sweet co-workers before school.

How cool is that?

The Lord gave me back a little of what He asked me to leave.

Instead of walking into my church to study God's Word, I got to walk into my classroom to do it.

And I believe that God is intentional and He is in the details.

So when I was approached about leading a ladies bible study on Thursday mornings before school....I closed my eyes and imagined the Lord grinning at me.  His child.

He knows I am a bit lost.
He knows I miss doing the things that have meant so much to me over the past 10 or so years.
He knows I am doing my best to obey His leading.
He knows that nothing lights me up quite like opening His Word and delighting in His promises with other gals.
He knows that I wonder if I am doing a good job.
He knows.

So on this Thursday morning...the teacher got to be the bible study leader again...it was like riding a bike.

Jesus pedaling and me enjoying the ride and the view....wide-eyed from the handle bars.

If you are in a season of sameness or on a new adventure and feel a bit unnerved and overwhelmed....rest assured...HE KNOWS.

Your obedience~ despite feelings~ is precious and seen by your God.

"For we are his workmanship, having been created in Christ Jesus for good works that God prepared beforehand so we may do them." Eph.2:10

4:48 AM

I love sleep.

More than that, I adore sleeping in.

This morning, however, these peepers popped wide open at 4:48 am.

I can feel the adrenaline rushing....the nerves firing....a new adventure awaits and my mind and body are feeling the effects.

Today marks Round 2 for me.

A "full circle" kind of day.

A day I honestly NEVER SAW COMING.

But God did.

He planted the idea in my head (and in my heart) back in May while we were on a family vacation.

After much prayer and doors swinging WIDE OPEN~ that little planted idea has become a full fledged reality.

Sixteen years ago I walked out of Cass Middle School ready to take on the task of being a stay-at-home mom.

I have loved every wonderful, difficult and exhausting moment of those 16 years.

Today I walk back into that school as a teacher.  Again.

I even get to work on the same hallway (there is that full circle part:).

But this gal is not the same person that taught all those years ago.

This girl has grit that the other gal didn't know existed.

This girl has the perspective of being a parent and loving three very different and unique kids.

This girl's heart has more compassion, tenacity, patience and humor than she did before.

Somehow 16 years of working in your home and volunteering with the broken of this world has a way of smoothing some of our character's very rough edges.

I am excited y'all.

Pray for me.

I get the privilege of teaching and influencing kids.

That is no small task.  I feel the weight of that responsibility.

But there is a giddiness too.

I guess that is why I was wide awake at 4:48.

Giddiness.

But, hey, there are way worse ways to begin your day.

Today I look ahead with gratitude, grit, and giant grin.  It's hard to hide my giddiness.

ITALY~ day 3

 This picture got out of order for some reason...but it is believed that these chains were used to restrain the Apostle Paul.  This was our first stop of the day...  St. Pauls Basilica.  It was breathtaking~ as are all of the places to visit in Italy.
If you read the New Testament at all those chains are equal parts beautiful and brutal.  A vivid reminder that we are indeed slaves to Christ.  Yet ~He is our freedom.  Paul lived that out for us to see and emulate.

 Chelsey was insistent that we ride a Vespa.

 I was not incredibly optimistic about the experience of doing that....however, "When in Rome", right?

It was actually a lot of fun.

 Look how mammoth these statues really are...I look very small beside it.

 All of the doors there are gorgeous and inscribed with words, pictures and scripture.

We took off from there to see the Spanish steps...and another fountain that I have forgotten the name of ....

 But now~ this pasta dish~  I WILL never forget.  Carbonara.  My absolute favorite.  I could make myself sick eating it...

 Chelsey and I had a ball.  We filled as many moments as possible seeing all that could be seen or eating what could be eaten:)

These last two pics actually represent the entire reason we went to Italy in the first place.  Chelsey's oldest niece was being baptized and welcomed into the family of God.

It is not my place to use their faces or even their story.

But my place was watching from the background...taking in the glorious sight of a precious little sister testifying of her faith in Jesus despite many hurtles of sorrow in her young little life.

It was an unspeakable honor to witness such a sacred event.

And it was one I did not take lightly.

Our faithful God called this little girl's mother home to heaven 2 and a half years ago...yet I witnessed the answer to that mother's prayer with my own eyes.

Her prayer lived on after she went to Jesus.

And these eyes saw that faith come to fruition.

I will never forget it.

Italy was wonderful on every level.
The entire experience will be a treasure to me always.
Crossing an ocean and visiting places of grandeur topped even my wildest expectations.

But crossing an ocean and witnessing the faithfulness of my God was the sweetest moment of all.

~ITALY~ day 2

We started the day early because there was much to see and much to do.

Breakfast could not have been more perfect~ some kind of delicious croissant filled with white chocolate.  It was a glorious moment for my taste buds.

St. Peters and the Vatican were beyond grand.  Your senses can hardly take it all in.

The second grouping of pics were taken in a little Italian town that held special meaning for my traveling buddy.  The views and ambiance of this little town were well worth the 30 minute train ride to get there.
Each angle held gorgeous backdrops and quaint spots...it was post card perfect.

Also the BEST gelato came from this place.

There are so many pictures I could not post of this fun-filled day~ space is too limited.  However my memory holds them all.

We beat the sun coming up and lived each moment to its full. We laughed at ourselves as we closed down the night because we had taken the wrong train.

There is no telling what those Italian folks thought of the goofball American ladies that simply could not stop laughing.

It was an incredible day.  My heart (and tummy) were full.