Staying True

I feel compelled to write something.

When I started this blogging thing. I did it with the intent of journaling these days of my life...good, bad, ugly, fabulous, mind-blowing, surprising...whatever.

I have noticed that lately I have been afraid to blog about the "real" me. I have tried to blog mostly real things with a touch of forced optimism so that you wouldn't think I am having as hard of a time as I really am. Those thoughts I keep to myself. Now, I am NOT saying that some things are not better left unsaid. I would agree whole-heartedly to that.

However, I feel that I have been called to be real.

Not really interesting.
Not really exciting.
Not really smart.
Not really extraordinary.
Not how I want to be.

But REAL. That means the truth. Like it or not. Repetitive and monotonous. Painstaking and pointless at times...

So....this entry is NOT like I want you to think I am...but how I really am.

I don't like this place.
I don't like this season.
I feel far away from Him.
I have so many questions.
I am tired.
I feel helpless and hopeless more than I want to admit.
I wonder where He is and why He isn't speaking.
I wonder if He ever spoke at all.

Having said all of that, I am a blessed woman.

I am bought with the blood of the Lamb.
I am madly in love with my man.
I am head over heels for my 3 amazing children.
I have friends that blow my mind.
I am healthy.
I have a roof over my head and food to eat.


Just because we are blessed and bought does NOT mean that there won't be seasons of unparalleled sadness in our lives. Try as we may to end the time....they are meant to be just that....a season.

That means an entire period of time.

I feel like I have done all I can do to speed up this process.

The truth is.....I am here until He sees fit to bring me out into a spacious place.

So, if this period of blogging is somewhat sad or depressing to you, I am sorry.

But, it is where I am. I am sure I will go back and read these blog entries one day and Jesus and I will have a good laugh at just how badly I am behaving.

But now....as I live it and breathe it....I am not laughing. I am aching. I won't go back....but without hearing more from Him...I can't really go forward. I feel a little bit like I am at a crossroads. Veer right if I believe He is going to heal her or veer left and keep going if I believe we have been wrong all of this time ......which way???

I will choose joy and plant a smile on my face. I will continue to put one foot in front of the other in the complete and utter darkness that I feel I am in.

But I will be real.

I hate to think of the number of people who I have blown off because they were immersed in a tough season of their life. They were hard for me to be around because they just seemed depressed.

Now, I don't want to be THAT person either. I want to live and keep moving. But I MUST acknowledge this pain too.

God's silence is the biggest mystery and the quandary of my heart.

I don't know what else to say.

I am sure Job couldn't wait for better days as he lost family, friends, and scratched himself with pot shards.

We know that David longed for brighter days as he hid in caves for his life.

I want to learn whatever it is that His silence teaches. But, for others out there dealing with this, I won't lie and act as if this is a breeze.

I am ready for brighter days.