AMAZED AND PERPLEXED!!

In the past few months I have felt an overwhelming sense of loss. Loss of faith...loss of what I want to be...

It has been like a death to me. I hate it. The truth is...(my mom pointed this out to me) when everything is going good-then I trust God. When things starts to veer off the projected path and the days become dark-I don't trust God.

It is just that simple.

Shame on me. But I do admit it.

I have felt like a balloon that was once full (full of hope, faith, promise) to a balloon that is losing air everyday. Deflating .....a little at a time.

Last week, I felt a surge of new air and new life when I found out that Caroline had walked on her own in the gait trainer. ( You all don't know the extent of this but we have tried for years to get her to walk in that thing at home---with no luck) And for her to do it by herself and walk approximately 40 feet was thrilling to me.

Today, I had another surge of new air and new life. Frankly....I am still (hours later) amazed and perplexed.

Caroline has participated in some standardized testing this week. Due to her limitations, she requires a lot of one-on-one time in order to be tested accurately. Today her teacher called and told me how she had done on her reading comprehension...

Let me remind you in case you don't know...she cannot speak...she cannot eat...she cannot eat...she cannot walk....but today she defied my expectations...

She read and answered questions on her own. (mouth open and still reeling)

Her teacher told her that the test was 5 paragraphs and 20 questions. She asked Caroline if she wanted to read it herself. Caroline shook her head "yes". Melissa (her teacher) had already told Caroline that she thought this would be too hard for her but relented and let Caroline try her best.

They put the paragraphs up on a computer screen and highlighted a sentence at a time. Caroline would verbally make sounds as if trying to read each sentence. When she finished she would look at Melissa to highlight the next one. She came to one word she didn't know and looked at her teacher. Melissa asked her if she was having trouble with that word and Caroline indicated "yes". The word was everyone. After Melissa told her the word, Caroline continued reading.

After each paragraph Melissa would ask her questions and give her multiple choice for the answers. She would answer using a button that she pressed when the correct answer was given.

She could only know the answers if she had read the paragraphs. Her teachers DID NOT help her read them at all. They also did not help her with any of the answers.

So, is it safe to guess that my girl can read???? Who knew??

I don't know what to say or think or feel. I am a little bit in shock.

I sat in the car and prayed trying to find words to say to God Almighty. I just kept saying...."No way. This was a fluke. She can't really read."

What I kinda heard back was..."Do you believe I am going to do extraordinary things through this girl or not???"

If I am this stunned at learning she can read....what will I be like when she speaks, or stands, or eats, or walks or runs?

It reminds me of that song, "I can only imagine"

Surrounded by your glory
what will my heart feel?
Will I dance for ya Jesus,
or in awe of you be still?
Will I stand in your presence
or to my knees will I fall?
Will I sing alleluia
will I be able to speak at all?
I can only imagine......I can only imagine....