Even here...

(A brief disclaimer before I write...this blog is my place to vent, express, share, and be transparent on my faith walk. I DO NOT have all the answers and I DO NOT have everything together. So...there are times when I just share my heart...the good, the bad, and the super ugly. I realize you may disagree or find offense with what I write but if you choose to comment in an unkind and malicious way...I will delete your comment. My blog= my rules.)

So I wanted to come to this keyboard and pound out a blog entry that exuded fun, happiness, and joy.

Today has been pretty hassle free. I've been productive at Shep's office and at home. We have completed homework and dinner is in the oven. Zeke has napped and the girls have had their baths. I have even done 2 days of my Bible study homework in one sitting. My kids have showered me with hugs and God gently pushed me on my hammock swing outside with the gentle breezes this afternoon.

But, right now...this very moment. My heart aches.

This blog was intended for real-ness. The world (and other Christians) long to see real people dealing with real life in godly ways. Does that mean we won't hurt? Does that mean pain will somehow be slighted for us.

No!

It is holding fast to the anchor when your ache is so strong you can hardly breathe.

It is persevering through the battles that rage in your mind.

It is knowing He is very present in your midst while feeling all alone.

That is what I felt compelled to write about today. I wanted some uplifting encouragement but maybe this is it.

Today when I finished bathing my 9 year old girl. I put 2 things on her that I never thought I would do at the same time....a diaper and deodorant.

The diaper is nothing new. She has to wear them because she is unable to be consistently potty trained. So she has been wearing them every day of her life.

But now....as time passes...her body is changing and she now needs deodorant.

(On a different day I might have gotten tickled at this but today I can barely see the computer screen through my tears...)

Today it hurts...
Today I want to quit believing what He has told me...
Today all I feel are the bad things....
Today it seems like too much to bear....

but the encouragement is.....that HE is right here.

This swirling sea of emotions is raging and my faith wants to drown in my fears... but His voice whispers hope.

The pain is still very real.

The hopelessness wants to take over and send me running to bed with the covers over my head and the shades drawn.

But in order to fully experience the miracle of His hope, His voice, His peace, His power, and His sustaining Presence~ then I must fully experience hurt.

Without the hurt of this life....I wouldn't want Him.

So~I don't know what your "hurt" is? Today my hurt is "diapers and deodorant". Tomorrow it could be something totally different and unexpected.

But I rest in knowing that He will meet me there too.


Psalm 66:20 "Praise be to God, who has not rejected my prayer or withheld his love from me."