Life without a plan

Born as the youngest of two older brothers I never dealt with issues of control.  Spontaneity marked who I was as a person.  I loved the idea of different...and I was always up for some fun.

This part of my personality lived on through my adolescent, teenage and young adult years....even into early marriage.

It wasn't until Caroline's birth (when I was 24 years old) that I, and others, noticed the change.

I threw spontaneity out the window.  Even, steady, and predictable sounded much better to me after living through the harrowing experience of her birth and my (almost) death.

I began to thrive off of schedules, appointments, checklists, and order.

This was obvious to see in my day-to-day living.  To-do lists could be found on the kitchen counter or in my purse.  My house would be nauseatingly neat (it had to be or else I was very bothered).  I constantly wanted to live by a daily plan.  I needed it planned out and organized. 

Sigh.

Where did Andrea go?

This was my way to avoid pain.  If I could plan things enough...then surely I could plan and prepare for anything to go wrong.  Or maybe I could plan enough so nothing would ever go wrong.

Are you seeing the sickness here?

I even began allowing pride to sneak in and applaud this control as some type of godliness.

Well, let's just say that God hasn't allowed things to stay that way.

He and I have been working hard.  He has been faithful to set me free in so many areas.  I have had to be faithful in return by surrendering myself to His work in my life.  Bible study, scripture memory, faith-filled friends and family, and prayer have been His tools.

And they still are to this day.

I am truly terrified of the person I would become again if I stopped my love affair with Jesus and His precious Word.

But this brings me to the present....

I am currently the girl living life without a plan.

School starts tomorrow.

All three of my children will be in the same school.  Zeke will start pre-K, Ava will return as a 2nd grader and Caroline as a 4th grader.

I thought that I would go back to teaching at this point in the game.

Shep nor I feel God's leading in that way at this time.

I have been helping out at Shep's office for the past two years.

That has stopped because they need more hours than I can give.

So....where is my plan?

What will I do?

I honestly don't know.  God has opened the door for me to volunteer one day a week at our local Women's Resource Center.  I will also continue to teach ladies bible study on Thursday mornings.

But, beyond that, your guess is as good as mine.

I desperately want to know where He will guide my path.  But for now...He is just saying "go and trust Me moment by moment to lead you."

I am having to constantly remind myself that this is faith.  Not knowing...but doing nevertheless.

Proverbs 16:9 " In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps."

Proverbs 9:10 "The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom and the knowledge of the Holy One is understanding."