HOPE rekindled

I was asked back in August to speak at a local MOPS group in November.

Funny how time flies.  November is here.

I faintly remember being told that my subject for speaking would be on "Depression" and how God used it in my life.

The days and weeks blew past until last week was upon me and my day to speak was Friday, November 2nd.

Ready or not.
  
I had been prayerful about what precisely my speaking points would be.  God didn't really give me much direction other than a few verses I was supposed to use.

I felt like my driving point was that God used Depression in my life to make me Desperate for Him.  A treasure in the darkness so to speak.  (Is.45:3)

Some of you might not think that is much of a trade-off but believe me it is.

Depression helped me know that God had to be bigger than what I thought He was.

As Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday ticked away I still wasn't getting a clear outline of what to say.

In fact....I felt my old pal "doubt" creeping in.

He likes to linger about in the back of my thoughts...especially when I am feeling overwhelmed or besieged by helplessness.

By Thursday night I still didn't have a clear direction for speaking. I felt like the best plan was to tell my testimony.  After all....it is mine and I am very familiar with it.  It isn't rehearsed.  I don't have to try to remember.  It is very very real.

As I surrendered to this plan, I had the first hint of peace.  It was a good start.

I laid in bed and remembered specific moments over the last 10 years.  If you have followed my blog for any length of time then you know that Caroline's birth was the catalyst for growing my faith in Christ.

I received salvation at the age of 9.

But I didn't begin to step out and believe God for anything more until I was 24.  My real journey began...

I was excited about sharing our story again.  I realized that I don't do much of it anymore.  Our church family and friends know it by heart.  We have told it time and time again.  Many of them believe with us for our miracle.  So, unless we have new news about Caroline, we don't talk about it much anymore.

Remember how I told you that my old pal "doubt" had crept back in?  Well he met my excitement with some of his old lines.

*Who wants to hear about a testimony that hasn't happened?
*More people are just gonna think you are stupid for believing your daughter will be healed.
*God isn't really gonna heal her.  You know that, right?
*You are going to look foolish in the end.
*What good has your faith done for you?


Yep.  Mr. Doubt at his best.

These were the thoughts that I prayed through as I tried to close my eyes for the night.

Friday morning came.

The butterflies were fluttering away in my tummy.

I got the kids dropped off at school.  Had to rush home and finish getting myself ready.  When I finally got in the car and headed South I sensed that I needed to pray.  The doubt-filled thoughts I had battled the night before met me again.  All of a sudden this speaking opportunity felt so silly.

My entire testimony revolves around the fact that God has relentlessly pursued me to believe Him.  And I do.  BUT the very thing I have believed Him for 10 years hasn't happened yet.

Do I even have a testimony?

Ugh.  Do you see how sly the enemy is?

I got to the church.  I found a vacant room and hit the floor...face down.  I thanked God for this opportunity and then I begged Him to show up and get some crazy glory.  I got up with my game face on.

The women who stared back at me as I shared my story revealed what God was doing in our midst.  I was beyond humbled.  I saw open tears.  I saw joy.  I saw appreciation.  I saw encouragement.  I saw hope and faith present and alive.  God was there.  He was speaking to all of us.

Every doubt left as I began to share the greatness of my God.  As I recounted time after time of His goodness, grace, and miraculous hope the reality of my testimony became even more clear.

God really has spoken to us.
God really has given us hope.
God really has increased our faith.
God really has surrounded us with a great cloud of witnesses.
God really has let us be a part of something really amazing.
God really has let us experience dreams, visions, and prophetic words of a divine healing that will happen.

The more I spoke it out....the more real it became.

Doubt was nowhere to be found.  Faith had center stage.

No wonder the book of Psalms is full of reminders for us to tell of what God has done for us.  If we don't tell....we forget.....when we forget....we doubt.

Psalm 73:28 "But as for me, it is good to be near God.  I have made the Sovereign LORD my refuge; I will tell of all your deeds."