The Dam Needed to Break

God surprised me with an experience that I didn't know I needed.

I had just set down to catch up on a few of my favorite blogs that I follow.  As I read one of them I was immediately caught up in the emotion of the author.  Her openness and vulnerability struck something in me....deep and hidden.  I cried for obvious reasons.  Her story (parts of it) are heartbreaking.  But I cried for my own reasons too.

My tears fell in a common bond.  She misses someone she no longer has.  She misses the loss.  She misses the "would've been" moments.

I miss someone I still have every single day.  I miss the loss.  I miss the "would've been" moments too.

As gentle and near as a person next to me I felt the nudge of the Holy Spirit.

Go.

I sat there in the chair in front of the computer.  I knew what would happen if I went.

He nudged again.  Go and lay down on her bed.

So I followed my feet that walked into the bedroom that my little girls share.  I went to Caroline's twin bed and laid down on it.  (thankfully God chose a time when the kids were at school)

The dam in my heart burst wide open....tears flowed freely....longings of my heart were uttered openly without reservation.

God's Holy Spirit was there.  He met me at a place of complete loss and grief....again.

He held me.  He listened.  He knew I needed to do this even if I didn't.

We think that faith stands without any doubt whatsoever.

Not true in my experience.

Faith stands on shaky legs when doubts are swelling like the oceans tides.

I have more questions now than I ever have.  But my faith stands.

As I laid there and let out a river of pent up emotions the tension and cynicism toward God began to ease.

He knew it would.

Believing God is hard.  The Word never promised that it would be easy but somehow I still expect easy.

At some point we will boil over.  If grief, sorrow, and loss are not consoled and comforted by the One who allowed them then a person will grow weary, cynical, and cold of heart.

Her bed was a place that I could go and lay myself out in front of a God who cares deeply for the state of my broken heart. 

I am so glad He led me there. 

How can I trust a God to give me hope when I won't trust Him to tend to my hurts?

This is a real question that many believers need to ask themselves and one that will bear repeating in my own life.

We hold the hurts places back.  I picture a little kid hiding something behind his back that he hopes no one will see.  Well...God sees.

He can handle our hurt places.

That hurt hinders our fellowship with Him and others.

We walk around trying to live...trying to serve....trying to do this faith thing with hands held behind our backs.

He might just sneak up on you.

 He might just set your feet in motion to a place where your dam can break.

Thank you Father for knowing my needs and desiring to be a mender of broken hearts.