The Shepherd and My Lost Self

My last blog post was pretty descriptive of my mood of late.  The holidays were a whirlwind and 2014 arrived just as easily as 2013 went away. 

I wanted my start of the year to look differently than it currently does.  I wanted a healed child.

Each year I brace myself for Christmastime.  I think it is mainly because it means that year's end is just upon us.

When you have been waiting on something for years the passing of each one feels like a bit of a death. 

Your heart beats a little heavier because you think things like "it still hasn't happened" and "how many more years can I take of believing this" and "will next year be the year?"

I also mentioned in my last blog that Shep, my completely amazing husband, suggested that I just take a break from heavy thinking.  

For the most part I am happy to report that I did just that.

But, here it is, January 10, 2014 and life is back in full swing.  I have to think, deal, pray, surrender, hope and all that these things entail ~ again.

Yesterday morning Shep and I were doing our devotion to start the day.  It wasn't anything mind-blowing.  But words were used and I felt the Holy Spirit stir and move within my heavy heart. 

The devotion described God dealing with us as a shepherd who tends sheep. 

This excerpt from the devotion spilled upon me like a grace explosion. 

"His people are set forth under many infirmities; some are lambs, some great with young, some very tender, some burdened with temptations, nothing in any of them all strong or comely.  To them all Christ is a shepherd, that feeds his own sheep, and drives them out to pleasant pasture; where, if he sees a poor weak lamb, he doth not thrust him on, but takes him (or her) into his bosom, where he both easeth and refreseth him: he leads gently and tenderly."

I am that poor weak lamb.

I am not lost.  I am saved by the blood of Jesus...washed clean and made whole.

But I am lost and weak and poor of spirit~ even still.

I am lost....as in "bewildered and confused, spent, and unable to find my way." These were online definitions that certainly fit my present state.

But here is how Jesus, the Good Shepherd, tends to us lost ones.  He gathers us into Himself.  To rest.  To recuperate. 

We tend to be so much harder on ourselves than Jesus ever is upon His beloved sheep.

These past fews weeks and still now I sense that my Shepherd has me gathered to His bosom.  Held close. 

It is a beautiful picture.

An hour ago I was praying and talking to God about how my faith has changed. 

Five to Six years ago I would tell you that my faith was fresh and fiery.  Believing God seemed easier somehow.  Eleven plus years into this my faith feels flimsy and forced.

I miss my old faith.

But honestly that is how strength is attained.  Fresh and fiery is usually how we start any journey.  Time tends to turn the fresh and fiery into flimsy and forced.  In the early days, weeks, months, and years of believing God for the impossible the journey itself excited me.  Plus I didn't think the faith journey would take as long as it has...

Each day the choosing is vital.  And I choose faith.  It may not be fresh but it is fierce. 

I believe this produces lasting faith and not passing faith.

A gift only gained by the passing of time and the choosing of our will.

As a sheep of His flock I am honored to walk the road He has chosen.  But I love my Shepherd all the more for knowing our frailties.  My frailties.

Today I am simply held.