Me and God at Midnight

My faith is real but it is also really flawed at times.

I get caught up in trying to bargain with God.
Or I care about how others view me more than He does.
Or I hold a list up to Him of my good works....forgetting that my best is filth.

But, at the heart of it, my faith is real.

I really know that God can do anything.
I really know that the Bible is completely true...a donkey spoke, a sea was parted, a dead man came out of a grave (er...more than one), oozing leprosy really did go away revealing fresh new skin, ears once deaf heard the bird's singing, eyes dimmed from nothingness opened to a new world never seen, and people bound to lie down upon mats, utterly dependent on others for help,  really did stand up on strong legs.

And these are just a few of the events we know about.  The Word says that there are many more not even written down. (Jn. 21:25)

God has graciously opened my eyes and my heart to yearn to live the kind of life that depends upon Him.

But that life is one of constant struggle.  Believing what my eyes see is much easier to do...and much more popular.

Caroline turns 12 years old this June.  She starts middle school next year.  Yet....she remains the same.  She is precious and smart and funny and sassy.  But the healing has not come.  I live each sunrise and each sunset with both the hope that it could be the day and the realization that it wasn't.

I can hear most of your thoughts.  I think it too.

"Ummm don't you think you heard wrong??  If God hasn't healed her yet...He probably isn't going to."

Remember the constant struggle.  There it is.  My. battle.

Shep tells me all the time that just because God hasn't yet isn't a good enough reason to believe He won't. 

I revisit this with God often.

"Did you really say this to us?"

Every time.....I mean every single time....He confirms it again.

But something has happened inside my heart.

I have sensed it over time.  A slow numbness lurks there.

If I wasn't entirely sure that this was true it was affirmed to me just last week.

One of my best and dearest friends in all the world bought a book for me to read.  She was excited for me to read this book.  She had read it and loved it.  It is Christian fiction but a powerful story of people believing God for the impossible.

I read the book at a snail's pace.  It wasn't a hard or boring read.  It was just the opposite.

I didn't want it to end.

But, like all books, it did end.

The story was powerful.

But my numbness was exposed.

I have become that girl with a protected heart.

I know without a doubt that God can.

But so many days, weeks, months, and years have eroded the fervor that once flourished.

Now I just get up wondering if He will.

I used to know that He could and He would.

See the difference?

That Christian fiction was used in the hands of an Almighty God to throw cold water in my face.

I finished the book just past midnight last Wednesday.

Not wanting to wake my husband I fumbled into the bathroom and closed the door because I knew God was waiting....

I got down on my knees and sobbed the cries of a cold heart.

I didn't have much to say to Him except, "This book has awakened a place in me that wants to die.  God I believe You.  I believe You can do the impossible...but You haven't.  It is just easier to bury these feelings and not deal.  But I don't think I am as useful in Your kingdom when my faith is functional but lacking in fervor.  Oh God bring it back.  Reignite the fire in my bones.  Give me more faith to persevere.  Give me a warm heart to feel each day."

 That was it.

Our meeting was short and sweet but entirely necessary.

A cold heart does little to affect a cold world.

It is slow coming....but this heart of flesh is daring to feel again.

"And I will give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit in you. I will take out your stony, stubborn heart and give you a tender, responsive heart."  Ezekiel 36:26