Crisis of Heart

"Hear my cry, O God; listen to my prayer. From the ends of the earth I call to you. I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I." Ps. 61:1-2

"Listen to my prayer, O God, do not ignore my plea; hear me and answer me. My thoughts trouble me and I am distraught at the voice of the enemy..." Ps. 55: 1-2

"My heart is in anguish within me; the terrors of death assail me. Fear and trembling have beset me; horror has overwhelmed me." Ps. 55: 4-5

"You are God my stronghold. Why have you rejected me? Why must I go about mourning, oppressed by the enemy?" Ps. 43: 2


It helps me so much to know that these were words spoken by a man who was after God's own heart. These are just a few of the verses that spoke some words that rang true to the emotions overtaking me..."trouble, distraught, anguish, fear, trembling, rejection, and mourning".

I am the "poster child" for floundering faith. This "faith" way of doing life is terribly difficult. ( I understand why I don't see many people living it...) I was so relieved and shocked that Beth Moore revealed in her video today (Esther study) that she went through a season of just not hearing or experiencing God and His presence. She explained that her walk had not changed...she still prayed and spent time in His Word...but still, she couldn't find Him.

Guess what??? Here I am. Andrea. Plain ol me. Scared to death and completely ill-equipped for the task that I feel God has called me to complete. But, today...right now...I am tired. I don't want to believe anymore. I want to forget every dream, vision, and prophecy ever spoken to us regarding Caroline. If you are reading this and you are disappointed in me... I am truly sorry. However, I am being completely honest before my Lord. I am gripped with uncertainty. I am paralyzed by confusion. Now I know all of the Sunday school answers...so please don't preach them to me. "God is not the author of confusion or doubt." Yes, I know.

I do want to please God. I want to chase hard after Him. I want to be a lover of His Word and hide it in my heart. I want others to see Him reflected in my life. I want to stand strong on His promises. I want the enemy to run and hide due to my faith and His working in my life.

But then there are these days...these seasons when you are being so still and straining so hard just to hear Him even breathe. I can't find Him. I feel lost. His promises of healing Caroline seem empty and almost delusional. Like David, I am crying out to Him...desperate and hungry for a word that can only come from Him.

For those of you who are my Aarons and Hurs....thank you for holding up my arms when I can't.

This is hard for me. I want this issue settled and I know God does too. He is my friend and I am trying to trust Him. He has something to show me and teach me. He doesn't waste anything. I will pray harder. I will deepen my time in His Word. I will praise more. I will speak truth. I will still believe until He tells me otherwise. What frightens me is that I start making this a "works" thing. "Well, if I do all of these things...then God you should come through." So, I am trying to be real and raw in an effort to NOT get caught up in the "works" trap.

This is me. This is reality. This is me trying to apply God's Word to my life. He doesn't expect us to get it right all the time and every day...thank God!! My salvation is in tact. My allegiance is strong. However, my heart yearns for His voice to speak and His presence to invade. As Angela Thomas would say..."Father, come get this broken-down Jesus girl and tell her what to do." I am listening.