Fighting to fellowship

Today was the first day back to school. Where did the summer go?

Caroline was ecstatic to be back with her teachers, friends, and others who spoil her on a daily basis.

I must confess that this day brought with it a sadness to me.

I just KNEW that when we left for summer break....she would come back completely healed and whole.

Shows what I know, huh???

However, I haven't given up, backed down, or thrown in the towel. I want to. But I haven't. There is too much at stake....for God....for me....for you.

At the conference this past weekend, we learned that we should fellowship with God.

Meaning that in our every day lives we should talk constantly to Him, laugh with Him, sit and listen to Him, ask our every question to Him, and try not to rush it. That is hard in this "get-it-now" society we live in.

I don't know about you....but this is hard for me.

Even when I am trying to lay it all out in front of Him, I find myself holding back a few things. Why? Who knows....maybe I think He will be disappointed or that He is tired of hearing it.

So now I am fighting each day to learn how to fellowship with God. If I don't fight for it....I won't do it. I have to be willful about it. If not, it will be too hard and I will quit.

Now the hard part----
Yesterday I was talking to Him as I was driving down the road. I was very specific in my prayers and exposed some vulnerability and fears to Him. When I finished praying, something on my radio station spoke to my heart.
----I think (and at the time strongly felt) that it was God talking to me. My spirit quickened and I felt like I just knew.....

I don't like what He told me to do.

He is asking me to trust Him again.

He is asking me to look stupid again.

He is asking me to relinquish my already broken heart to him again.

This "again" road is covered with my tears. Do we have to go here again? I want to protect myself at all costs. Help me know that Your Presence with me is a fact and not a feeling I need to experience. Show me what You have for me in this part of the journey. I give you my rotten pride. Grant me Your peace. Help me find true contentment in whatever may be. I don't get you Lord, but I totally dig you. I know you are in the business of making things new. You turn darkness into light, sadness into joy, and death to life. I want to witness and testify to these things. Again...I will follow you. Again...I will blindly trust you. Again...