Yesterday I was driving home from visiting Shep's mom at the hospital and I had some time to pray in the car. (by the way, she is better and coming home today:>)
I settled in and began to talk to the One who knows it all. I got through with all of the surface stuff that I feel for some reason I have to say...and then I got down to the nitty gritty.
Struggle.
I am struggling.
I ask Him for encouragement for my soul. I tell Him that miracles seemed to have ceased and that I yearn to see a true bona fide miracle. I confess my waning faith. I have never known anyone who can be so faith-filled one minute and faith-spilled the next. Whew....I am that girl.
Why did He choose me for this?
What possibly made Him think I could go for years trusting Him for a healing that is impossible not to mention ridiculous to the rest of the world?
I think I could find some solace if I saw these miraculous things happening all around me. If I saw deaf people hearing....the blind eyes seeing....the lame walking...or the dead rising...it might be a little easier to hold on everyday.
But...I don't. And I never have. I feel like the exhausted swimmer going the wrong way up a fierce raging river. Fighting the flow, making myself work hard to keep pushing through, getting beat back by the strength of the oncoming water when all I really want to do is throw myself back and float along with the current and let it take me...wherever.
Anyway, I prayed and asked Him to give me something new....something fresh to renew my soul.
To keep believing in Caroline's healing...
When I got home later in the day and checked my e-mail my friend had sent me a link to a story she thought I might enjoy.
She had no idea what I had prayed and asked God to give me. Here is the link: http://www.incourage.me/2009/08/believe-in-the-impossible.html
Check this out and see if you think God used this to answer my prayer...it will blow your mind.
Even later that night a girl from church sent me an e-mail that said her daughter had asked to write Caroline's name on her prayer sheet so she could pray for her to walk and talk.
2 different types of encouragement sent to me the same day I prayed and asked for it. A friend just passing on a story by e-mail....and a little girl's BIG faith for my Caroline to walk and talk.
I thanked my God and received this as salve for my soul. But now...when a little time has passed...why do we think that maybe that was just coincidence? You know...people just being nice....not really a "word from God."
I don't have the answer. Faith is a HARD thing. The longer I try to live it out the more I see that it has to be chosen. Faith won't force itself on me. Faith can't be seen, held, or even felt sometimes....it has to be lived out in a person's life.
Only when faith is lived out in the weakest soul does it become visible and used as a force to hold others up.
May my weakness be made strong in You.....
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