Flying without a net

Anyone who knows me knows I am in new territory.

I have believed (because of many spoken prophetic words, dreams, etc..) that Caroline would be healed by now. I actually believed with all of my heart that she would be between the ages of 5 and 7 when her healing took place.

She is 8....and she is not healed.

So where does that leave me and all of the things I have believed for so long?

I am not sure to be quite honest.

I am kind of stuck.

On the one hand God has not said anything different. He had not given us any indication that His plans for her healing have changed. Keep waiting....keep believing....keep hoping.....keep standing....keep praying.

On the other hand most days I wonder if His lack of healing IS His answer. Could it be that He hasn't healed her yet because He isn't going to and we have had it wrong all this time?

That would be a huge shift for me in my life and to even think in that way makes me terribly sad.

I contemplate quitting everything....this blog, Bible study, music ministry, even church. I wouldn't do that.....but questioning all that I have believed for so long has taken me to the very edge.

Strangely I am pressing through. I hate every second of it.

I don't like constantly dealing with these kinds of feelings and fears all day every day. Who does?

But I have to. I am not going to quit.

Shep has been so great during all of this. He is dealing with so much right now....work, his family, and this campaign are taking every moment of his life. But he is heartbroken too. He doesn't understand why Caroline isn't healed and he doesn't have any answers either.

We were talking about what to do now that she is 8. Our best guess of God's plan has been blown to bits and I personally need a game plan. He gave me an answer from God's Word and I didn't like it very much but it was true.

He said, "Baby, we consider it joy. Every day we get up keep going and simply consider it joy that we are enduring these trials and heartaches. God has chosen us and we know that they will produce faith and perseverance."

I did appreciate that it was a biblical solution taken straight from James 1 but I didn't want to hear it.

How do I consider this joy?

I don't know and I am still working on that.

Right now I am just trying to get through a day at a time and not lose heart.

I am trying to hear and obey the gentle nudging of God.

I am trying to push through this pain instead of avoiding it.

I am trying to pray and get to know God in this new place. This place where each step is new and unsteady. This place where I never thought we would be. This place where answers are elusive and a sense of control is a ridiculous thought.