She reared her ugly head...again

This past Saturday was an interesting day for me. I always look forward to Saturdays because it tends to be our family day of togetherness. We aren't in a hurry. We generally get to do the things we want to do...together.

This past Saturday was rolling along like normal. And then Shep threw me a curve ball. He wanted to change our plans.


Instead of doing what I thought would be fun for our whole family he decided that we should stay home and do some things that needed to be done. ~BORING!~

There was nothing wrong with that. But I was disappointed. Then my disappointment turned into anger. My anger turned into resentment....you get the idea. My responses became quick and biting. My actions were cold and edgy.

Before I knew it this girl took over. She looked just like me . You would think that meanness, anger, resentment, and sarcasm would be easy to recognize. But not so when the they are manifested in yourself.

It was weird. I knew I was wrong and that my behavior was the opposite of what God expects of me and what I want to model for my children. But...at the pivotal moment of pride and selfishness...I didn't care.

Oh...it hurts me to even write that.

I brag on God's goodness and mercy in my life on a daily basis. Yet here I was acting like a spoiled child.

Why?

All because I wasn't getting my way.

When it boiled down to it. I wanted Shep to pay for it. So I purposely acted ugly and mean.

The Holy Spirit within me spoke with truth and authority all morning. Any casual observers wouldn't have noticed. I continued with my outward behavior even though a war was waging within. It wasn't until lunchtime or a little after that I finally succumbed to the Spirit's leading and offered Shep an apology.

I didn't even say it with much feeling. But at least it was a start.

It was the beginning of obedience and surrender. Still with a touch of defiance.

After that initial apology though, my stubborn feet begin to feel and want the right way.

It is funny that once we speak some truth...our feet will follow.

Before long...I apologized again and actually meant it.

I say all of this because I long to be real and transparent about who I am. Each life is marked with victories and defeats and I am no different.

It seems like I fight hard for victories in my life. But what about when I seem to fight hard to lose on purpose?

The Lord finally won on Saturday but not without a stubborn fight from my flesh.

This is me.
I love the Lord.
I adore my husband.
I am crazy about my children.
I am committed to Bible study, prayer, and scripture memory.
I have people around me who hold me accountable.


And still... I am prone to wander. I am prone to selfish hissy fits.

Oh Lord have mercy on me.

Well, that was 4 days ago and I am happy and hopeful to report that I think I have gained some wisdom from that day.

I didn't exactly see it until today but God showed me some ground that I gained (with His help) from my enemy.

Today hasn't gone as planned.

But I didn't know that would be the case when I got got dressed and ready for today. It wasn't until I was in the car that it happened.

I hit something in the road and got a busted tire.
After Shep came to help fix the tire...the van wouldn't start.
After we jumped my van off...we had to go get a new battery.
After the new battery...we went to get a new tire.
It wasn't long after that until we learned that not only was the tire ruined but the wheel had been ruined as well.

Please know that I am NOT happy at all about any of these things.

But, that old girl didn't show up again.

THIS TIME my feelings about my circumstances didn't take fanatical control.

I didn't allow it.

As I pulled my van over safely into some grass on the side of the road I determined that God would direct my day. Whatever touches me has to go through Him.

Then I began to quote the scripture I have been working on memorizing this week...

"Consider it pure joy (Andrea) when you face trials of many kinds (car problems, money problems, schedule conflicts) because the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you (Andrea) may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. James 1:2-3

If I am not intentional then I am not winning this fight!!