Make Believe Martyr

This week has held great joy, sadness of heart, and some boiling anger....with anxiety thrown in on the side.

I guess you could say I have tasted the entire realm of emotionality and yes, I am sufficiently drained.

God allowed me to lead someone to Him this week.  It was precious and utterly exhilarating.  I volunteer at a local Women's Resource Center in our area.  This girl came in to take a pregnancy test and left knowing our Savior.  Watching someone else experience grace for the first time is truly magnificent.  It is like electricity in the air.  It was joy, pure joy and I savored every second.

Some other events of this week left me less than joyful.  Angry, even.  Shep and I are praying for something specific to come through for us.  After seeing a glimpse of sweet relief, it looks as if it may not happen.  Anger set in.  I fell into my typical tantrum toward God.

"Why can't this happen for us?"
"Does anything ever come easily for us?"
"Why did we even get our hopes up?"

These were the thoughts that surfaced over and over in my head...and sometimes even out loud.  I balled my fists toward heaven and just expressed anger over and over again.

Then I was hit with some personal family drama. We all have it.  I have had to sit back and watch someone I love dearly be betrayed and hurt in the worst possible way.  It just rips me apart.  Due to the choices of others, this hurt just continues and I had to face it this week.

Already in the grip of anger I piled sorrow and sadness on top.

Needless to say I did what I do best.

I pulled away from God.  After all... this anger, hurt, and sadness must somehow be His fault, right?

As drove myself around doing errands I felt the Holy Spirit begin to awaken inside of me.  He reminded me of a story that I had been reading this past week.  It told of a martyr who lived and died for his faith in Jesus Christ.  He was tortured, beaten, starved, chained, and ultimately, burned alive for proclaiming His faith in Jesus.

We all know stories of those who have been martyred for their faith.  Suffering was their plight.  BUT...what the Holy Spirit spoke to me was about the unspeakable JOY that was theirs as well.

This particular man that I read about had many people who followed and supported him.  He would write to them constantly and give them reports of his situation.  Not once did he focus on the fact that he was chained, wrongly accused, tortured or sitting in his own excrement.  Instead he boasted of how the Holy Spirit encouraged him in his dire situation.  He would brag on the goodness of God despite the ugliness that surrounded him.

Then reality hit me.

Here I am acting like some make-believe martyr.  Mad at God because I have had to encounter some mild "suffering" this week.  Some disappointments and frustrations have come my way....and what have I done?

I have acted like a complete baby.

My issues don't even come close to torture, starvation, or an isolating cell.  Yet I act as if I have been completely burdened by life.

We do have hard stuff.  I don't mean to make light of some of the sufferings we do have.  But I don't know a single person who is really a martyr.

So why do we act like it?

Our sufferings, as real and heavy as they are, don't compare to the sufferings of those who have to live in fear because of their faith.

If we did....I bet our lives would be vastly different.

At least for me....I want to worship Him regardless.  He is worthy.  He died for me.  He set me free.  He gives me hope.

So as the week has progressed so have I.  God has made some progress with me.  I have practiced some "just because" worship this week.  My situations have not changed.  The anger, sadness, and anxiety still linger.  But they aren't leading me around with my head in a noose.  Instead I am bringing them before Him in an act of worship and surrender.  In spite of them I rejoice.

Let's not be make believe martyrs.  Let's be real people of real faith.

1 Peter 1:6-9  "In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer griefs in all kinds of trials.  These have come so that your faith-of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire-may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls."