The Seizure

We were sitting in our family room doing our usual Sunday night thing.  The kids were dressed in their pajamas but, of course, were prolonging the trip to bed.  Zeke, Ava, and I were snuggled together in our big red chair.  Shep and Caroline were snuggling on the floor.

In the moment of 9:00 pm....everything changed.

Shep began to scream Caroline's name.

The atmosphere in the room went from calm to panic.  Literally you could feel it.

Time stopped.

Shep yelled for me because our oldest daughter was having a seizure. In an instant I was on the floor looking into the face of my girl.  Instead of seeing her typical smile I saw bulging eyes, erratic blinks, and a contorted mouth.  I couldn't see her at all.  I just saw that something was overtaking her and she was helpless to it.  So were we.

I immediately called on the name of Jesus Christ in a frantic and desperate prayer.  "Lord Jesus please stop this.  In the name of Jesus heal my girl from this."  Shep joined in and we called on the only One who could make any difference at all.

I could hear Ava and Zeke crying in the background but it seemed muffled. 

Shep directed me to call 911 because her breathing was shallow.  We had never experienced anything like this.

Were we really just sitting here quietly 2 minutes earlier?  How did this happen?  Why?  What triggered it?

I managed to call 911, pray, and comfort my other children somehow during all of this.

Shep had scooped Caroline up and held her....trying to will her body to stop jerking.   He was praying and talking in soothing tones.  Finally, after only 2 and a half minutes,( it seemed like 20) her body slowed and stopped convulsing.

The night continued with us taking her to a Children's hospital.  They did a CT scan and bloodwork.  Everything came back clear and good.

Wish I could give you the same report about me.

I wasn't clear at all.  I certainly wasn't good.

We were discharged in the middle of the night to come home.  We were told to follow up with her neurologist for an EEG and further testing.

As Caroline dozed in her car seat, Shep and I began to open up to each other about what in the heck had just happened to our lives over the past 5 hours.

We have been through so much together.  We have earned the badge of being the other's best friend.  We relived it.  We cried.  We wondered.

We were headed back home.  But was this our new normal?

We have dealt with a severely disabled child for 10 years.  We know how to handle that.  But now we have a disabled child who had a severe seizure for no apparent reason.  Will there be more?

Fear set in.

Shep and I both felt like this had been spiritual warfare of some kind.  It just felt evil and wrong.

We clung to God with our questions and prayed against the fear that seemed to come from all angles.

I sit here two days removed from these events and I am still trying to wrap my brain around it.

I struggle with this fear that wants to overtake me.
I just want to sit and stare at Caroline just to make sure that she is ok.

But....I know better.

God has called me to live a life of faith.  The enemy wants to sabotage that in any way he can.

I can't allow it.

So I have to fight hard against how I feel.  This fear has got to go.  It must be replaced with the truth of God's Word.

I have taken great comfort in the story of Job.  The bible says that Job was "blameless and upright, a man who feared God and shunned evil."

Now I am no Job.  I am not blameless.  I try to be upright in the sight of God but I fail miserably at times.  I do fear God but, truth be told, I don't shun evil.  I try to do right.  I try to live right.  But I sin and sometimes I even go out of my way to do it.

I say all of that about myself because I want to be clear that I am not comparing myself to Job in merit at all.

 But I am God's child.  I love Him.  I trust Him.  I want to live my life for His glory.  I do think Job and I have at least those things in common.

And what I know is the enemy, or Satan, wanted to mess with Job.  He wanted to hurt him.  He wanted to steal, kill, and destroy him.  He wanted Job to curse God.  But he had to ask God for permission to test Job's faith.

THAT COMFORTS ME.

Before my enemy could mess with me he had to go before God Almighty and get it approved.

I also know that for God to approve it....it must be for my good and His glory.

I can't see how any of this is for our good and His glory but I have seen God show off in weirder ways before so who am I to question His authority?

He loves me.  He loves Shep.  He loves my Caroline more than I ever could.

So...I will trust Him.

Even if it hurts to relive the nightmare.  Even if I wonder every moment when the next one might come.  Even if fear continues to bang at my door....I WILL TRUST MY GOD.


I still believe with everything in me that God is going to ultimately heal my girl.  I don't understand how all of this fits into that picture but I don't have to.

God works in impossible situations.  They are His specialty.

He just requires that we have faith...and He even gives us that too.

Thank you God for this seizure.  Thank you for a fresh reminder of my need for Your grace and guidance.  Thank you for sustaining us in the midst of the crazy and chaotic moments.  You held us whether we knew it or not.  I ask for Your protection in the future.  I ask that this would be a one time thing and that we never have to endure this again.  But, if that isn't your plan, prepare us and strengthen us for whatever is to come.  Your ways are marvelous even when I don't understand.  I do trust You.  Thank you for the many friends and family who interceded for us.  Would you bless them and show Yourself mighty in their lives.  Hold us close and give us courage.  Build our faith and bless our efforts to further Your Kingdom.  Amen.

"Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?" ~ Job (Chapter 2:10)