A Fixed Faith...A Frustrated Girl

This morning I woke up and stumbled into the bathroom.  My eyes struggle to open well.  Rheumatoid arthritis makes my joints swell and ache as well as causing my eyes to deal with chronic dry eye.  There is actually a medical diagnosis for this but....basically I have to keep lubricant drops in my eyes on a regular basis.  If I don't my eyes try to over-produce tears...resulting in clogged ducts...that results in a mimicking form of pink eye.  Pretty nasty. 

So as I stumbled into the bathroom to douse my eyes with drops that would help them open and focus~ I honestly dreaded the day.

I have sensed a distance between me and God.

I am pretty sure it is one I have created. 

My prayers have been honest before Him.

Here is an example:

"Lord we continue to wait on You to heal Caroline.  She is eleven years old.  Eleven years we have waited.  We still wait.  You haven't released us.  People think we are nuts.  I am beginning to think I am nuts.  Then You bless us with a little glimpse.  She sat up by herself.  You let me capture it in a video.  I have proof that this really happened.  For weeks people dreamed almost daily of her healing.  

Now it is quiet again.  The momentum gone.  

I work with her daily to try to catch another glimpse of Your power working in her little body...but now she struggles to do again what she did so easily that day.

What happened?

This hurts so bad.

My faith soars to heights I haven't known.  Chill bumps become a part of my daily routine ....and then quiet.  Too quiet.  My faith backs down and shuts up.  I can't explain.  

God please help me.  My faith isn't in what my eyes see but upon You.  Yet I long to see it again."

My morning eyes finally fight to open so happy to have fresh tears in them...even from a bottle.

I glance down and flip my daily encouraging scripture card that sits next to the sink.

October 22 reads, "Awake to righteousness, and sin not;
                              for some have not the knowledge of God;
                               I speak this to your shame."  1 Corinthians 15:34


What I heard Him whisper to me was this.  "Wake up Andrea.  Choose the way of righteousness.  I know you are frustrated with things you can't figure out and understand.  But you know Me.  Trust Me.  Even if nothing makes sense or makes you feel better.  Trust Me.  Don't allow the sin of doubt, worry and unbelief steal away what you know to be true.  This is the harder way.  Choose it.  Shame on you to think otherwise when you know better.  I AM truth.  I AM the only way.  I AM working in this.  Run into my arms and cast this upon Me. "


I think I may have uttered a thankful prayer back to Him...really trying to be. 

But the morning duties pressed in. 

As I did my "mom thing" my thoughts still lingered upon this scripture.  "Awake to righteousness"  rolled over and over in my mind.

By the time I returned home from dropping off the kids to school I sensed peace within the inner turmoil. 

No answer.  Just the beginnings of peace for my day.

Stilling myself on the sofa I  read the scripture again.  And then I felt a small voice tell me to fix my faith for the day.

I guess the same way I would "fix my hair".  When I fix my hair (crazy curly mop that it is) I have to get my hands on it.  Manipulate it.  Put it in its desired place by spending time and working on it.

God was urging me to do the same thing with my faith.

"Fix it Andrea.  Your faith.  Fix it.  Put your hands on it....lest it get away.  Manipulate it to stay where you want it.  Because your Enemy wants to steal it, kill it and ultimately, destroy it. "

I am not exactly sure where God and I are going.  To be perfectly honest, this is new territory.  But isn't that where I beg Him to take me?!?  I sense shifts and exciting days ahead.  I expect answers to prayer.  But I am lying if I say I am not scared and unsure.  Those two things I know to be true.  But....my faith will be grown.  And it must stay fixed upon my Father who is trustworthy.  What better way to show that I trust Him than to walk forward when everything screams inside to turn tail and run.....

Fixing my faith. 

"Oh God whatever faith I have...You have given.  I believe because You give me hope."

So I FIX my eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen,  since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. 1 Cor. 4:18