His Grace Finds Us

I almost laughed out loud when I saw how long it has been since I had written.

Not quite a month but it feels like a year.

This blog was supposed to be my journey of faith.  Sadly, I don't want to write what I feel most days. 

Faith is there. 

But a lot of other junk is there too. 

But....that is the point.  Letting our faith rise to the surface when the other junk wants to smother it out.

Since my last post I have been out of the country on a mission trip marked with delays and disturbances. 

I returned home completely exhausted with life chomping at the bit to go on as if I had never left.  There was barely a week to absorb sweet time with my kids before school started this past Monday.  A day I have been long dreading....

Caroline began middle school this year.

Just 12 years ago I worked at this middle school as an English teacher.  My last days there were spent waddling around the halls with swollen ankles and a pregnant belly.  Caroline spent 9 months growing in my tummy at that school.  And Monday I took her back.

This time I rolled her in her wheelchair.

I wanted to vomit.

I wanted to run back to elementary school and demand that they take her back.

I wanted to punch something hard.

I wanted to cry.  That....I did.

The picture I had in my head of her starting middle school looked very different.  It was just something else to grieve.

Something else to hand over to God and whisper from a wounded heart, "not my will but Yours."

His grace found me on Monday.

Honestly I didn't want it to.

Grace soothes.  Sometimes we don't want to be soothed. 

I wanted to continue to be mad about the day I was having to live out....

Instead God gave immeasurable grace that made it possible to live the day.

He out gives us every time. 

Grace waits at every turn.  The unexpected kind that overcomes emotions meant to rock you to your core.  His grace trumps it all. 

There is no hiding.

On our worst most dreaded day....His Grace Finds Us.


(I totally stole this from a song called "Your Grace Finds Me".  Give it a listen.  You will love it.)

Foolish and Weak

This past Wednesday morning I woke up and had no idea what God had in store for me that day.

I volunteer/work at a local faith based non-for-profit that provides support and help for women dealing with crisis pregnancies.

None of us ever knows the person or situation that may walk in the door.  We have to be prayed up and ready to be the hands, feet and mouthpieces of Jesus Christ.

I was a week out of surgery (the stints had come out the day before).  Serving these people is a precious offering in my life and I was looking forward to the blessing of doing it.

Standing in front of the bathroom mirror I glanced down at my scripture for the day. 

"But God hath chosen the foolish things of the world to confound the wise; and God hath chosen the weak things of the world to confound the things which are mighty."  1 Corinthians 1:27

Still not feeling quite myself from surgery and having been in a lull in my spiritual walk.....I needed some pep from Jesus.

He did not disappoint me.  This verse came alive to me.  It might as well have jumped from the pages and danced into my heart.

Strength flooded in from seemingly nowhere.
Faith sparked fresh and new.
Hope carried me as if I had not a care in the world.

I said to God, "So basically I feel like a fool all the time for believing You to heal my daughter AND I am so incredibly weak on my own......and that is ok with you, God?!?"

It was as if He spoke this back to my heart.  "My child it is more than ok.  Everyone I call has to be willing to look like a fool.  Faith requires it.  Looking foolish doesn't bother me.  And your weakness....my sweet child, your weakness draws Me to you like a moth to a flame.  Your weakness is an invitation for My Strength to do what you cannot."

1 Corinthians 1:27 says that God uses fools and weaklings like me.  It even uses the word "chosen".  He chooses to work with the likes of me.

So...if you are feeling like a fool for believing God and if your strength seems too small in comparison to the task God has called you to~ then you ( and I ) are sitting pretty for God to do what the rest of the verse says..."confound the wise and the mighty".

I went to the center that day with new vigor.  God had spoken.  His Word had taken new root in my heart and I could literally feel His closeness and strength.

At the last possible moment I had been asked to give my testimony to a mixed age group of teenagers at the church across the street. 

Let me be clear.  I did not want to do this.  But a dear friend had asked me to as a favor and if we don't share our testimonies....who will?

As I spoke to those kids I used my morning verse to encourage them to be fools for God.  I told them what He had asked me to believe.  And I reminded them of our many heroes in God's Word who looked like fools to the world around them.  But these folks were faithful to God and He made them famous for their faith.

When my testimony time ended these kids began to tell me testimonies of seeing God perform miracles.
Real, unbelievable, impossible miracles that they knew of personally.

 Here I was begrudgingly sharing my testimony and God used these kids to turn around and encourage me.

Then they asked if they could circle around me, lay hands on me and join in faith believing for God to heal my daughter and increase my own faith.

I was beyond humbled.  Seriously humbled.

I left there rejuvenated.  

I walked in the door at the center and was met by a woman in desperate need of our help. 

She had a very sorted story and I knew that all of the details didn't add up.  Still she needed help and encouragement.  I listened to a lot of things that had recently happened to her. As the story went on I found myself becoming a bit critical and judgmental of her as a person.  ( just being real here...not proud of this)

My head was nodding but I had kind of checked out on her.

Once I had taken her information and gotten the items that she needed I was ready to send her on her way.

As I walked her to the door to leave she grabbed my hand and began excitedly telling me about her son.  He had been in a terrible accident but she believed God was healing him.  Her excitement bubbled over and her voice carried.  She wanted anyone within earshot to hear what she believed God was doing.  He had been injured so badly that his vitals had shown he was a death's door.  But things were changing and improving and she wanted all of us to know that God was healing her son.

I nodded.  I even said, " Amen" to her...almost in a pacifying way.  I mean I wanted to encourage her but this lady was eccentric to say the very least.

As we walked outside I said, " Well since you have shared about your son with me, I will ask you to pray for my daughter.  She is wheelchair bound.  She cannot walk, or talk, or eat, or sit up.  We believe God has told us He is going to heal her but it sure does get hard sometimes because it has been 12 years."

She spun me toward her and grabbed me in a tight embrace.  She said, "Honey, you needed me today.  You needed me today.  Your Father will heal her.  He will stand her up and heal her from head to foot."

This lady was giddy.  She was so tickled and excited that I had shared my plight with her.  She was so genuine even if she was somewhat of an oddball.

I stood there thinking to myself, "God this lady seems a little crazy but she has just encouraged me so much.  I bet we look completely nuts out here hugging and laughing and boasting about Your Goodness in the street."

As if on heavenly cue I heard these words....."but God hath chosen the foolish things of the world to confound the wise;..."

In my uppity way I had looked down upon the woman God had chosen to encourage me.

I had resisted giving my testimony to the very teenagers who would later encircle me and pray with faith for me.

How much do we miss of God because we resist looking like a weak fool?

God spoke to me and then He schooled me.

Blessed be the name of my great God!

When we can't taste and see....

I am on the mend from sinus surgery.  In just over 24 hours this stint will be removed from my nose and my breathing will return to a blessed sense of normal.

There is so much to write about...

We went on a fun vacation with some of the dearest of friends.  I have gobs of pictures to share.

But my life has come to a screeching halt this past week.  My normal has been replaced by abnormal and I am over it.

Surgery is not for the faint of heart.

I cannot imagine having something really serious done.

I have had 3 Cesarean sections, a gall bladder surgery and now....this sinus surgery.

None of these are particularly serious surgeries although no surgery is without risks.  But this one has been different because it is very up close and personal.

 As in my nose.  My face space.  Breathing.  Tasting.
  
Surgery was last Wednesday.  From the time I got home late Wednesday afternoon until Friday night I was pretty much out of it.  The anesthesia made me sick.  The pain medicine made me sick.  The not eating made me sick.  So...I just slept.

~Right through the 4th of July I might add~

 By Saturday I felt some better.  Weak and lethargic but better.  We got different pain meds and I started using saline solution to open up my ever swelling nose. 

Things were looking up.

I even began to get my appetite back.

For dinner I asked for take-out pizza. 

I wanted Gondoliers.  The cheese would be slightly browned and the pepperoni perfectly crispy....I couldn't wait to bite into a slice or five.

My family was excited to have me back in the land of the coherent.  We got our pizzas and perched ourselves in front of the television for a Saturday night movie. 

My plate was piled high with 3 pieces of pizza.  The grease, the cheese, and the pepperoni looked perfect and I couldn't wait to eat it.

And then I did.

What happened next should never happen to anyone eating pizza anywhere ever...I could not taste any of it.

Zero. Zilch.  Nothing.

I tried so hard to taste.

I willed my tongue to do its job.  But nothing.

I ate anyway. I ate for spite. 

It looked so incredibly good.  I knew it was good. 

But the taste eluded me.

(Maybe now you can see why this stint coming out tomorrow is such a sacred event?!?)

This morning I hurried around the house doing our morning thing.  God stopped me in the middle of the kitchen and moved on my heart with words and application that sometimes only a heart can hear.

***God and I have been close for a long time.  Desperation does that to His child.  It usually brings you close.  He has spoon fed faith to me for years.  He has let me taste His goodness over and over again.  Lately I can't sense Him.  Not like before.  I can't even pray sometimes.  Not like before.  He seems so intentionally quiet.  Not like before.  Believing Him feels like I am doing nothing....but it takes all I have to do it. 

In the kitchen He spoke to my heart and said, "I am working.  I am doing some things you can't see, or hear, or even feel at this time.  But know that I am good. You have tasted my goodness time and again.  When you can't taste it....KNOW it.  Then I remembered the pizza and Saturday night.  The pizza was good.  How did I know?  Because I had tasted it before.  Many times.  Saturday night I just couldn't taste what was there.  But I would again."

Jesus spoke to me using something I am currently walking through.  That is usually His way.

I miss the sense of taste. 
I miss the closeness of Jesus.

Taste will come again.
He isn't finished.

Oh taste and see that the Lord is good.  Psalm 34:8

And if for now....you can't taste it......know it.  Remember how good He has been before and know His goodness doesn't end.

Taste will come again.


 

A Miracle Road

Each time we go visit Shep's parents about an hour north of us we near the end of our journey by traveling down a little road with the cutest name, "Miracle Drive."

I only noticed it in recent years but, being the girl that is believing God for a miracle, the road name kind of jumps out at me.

This week marked the 12th birthday for our Caroline.  The precious girl that we believe God has told us He intends to heal.

The night before her birthday I sat at this very computer and agonized over words to type.  I thought about the night before her birth 12 years ago and how naive I was about what was to come.

All babies bring change.

But our baby girl brought change in a whole new dimension.

I sat here and typed out a lot of words but I ended up deleting every single one of them.

Truth be told....I didn't need to be writing a blog.  I needed to be shedding some tears.

My mama used to tell me, "sweetie sometimes what you need is a good cry."

Tuesday night that was precisely what I needed.

I got up from this computer and pulled out the pictures that I rarely look at anymore.  Pictures of days in the NICU....those days were dark and uncertain....grace alone carried us.

I cried and cried.

I cried for what happened.
I cried for the many milestones missed.
Tears poured and I talked out loud because I have a 12 year old that I don't know all that well.

Now I know her smell.  Her laugh.  Her cry.  Her sense of humor.  Her tendencies.  Her Preferences.  Her loves.

But I don't know her....the inside stuff.  Her dreams.  Her fears.  Her questions.  Her wish lists.  Her silly ideas.

Twelve years of conversations have gone unspoken.  And I have missed them terribly.

It is ok to grieve what we didn't experience. 

The grief has to come out somehow.  I personally think that tears falling prove to be a better solution that explosive anger and tantrums (although I have been known.....)

Tonight I sit here a few days past her birthday.

The tears have dried up....for now.  (But I am a woman so they could start again before this post is over.) 
The grief gave way to birthday celebrations.

I have done my best  NOT to give in to the huge waves of doubt that roll in like the tide.

Quietness before God has been filled with groaning from my heart that He alone understands.

Cynicism teases me at every turn. But I blow out my breath and choose faith instead.

As we made our way home today from Shep's parents house God spoke encouragement over me as we drove along the road called, "Miracle Drive."

God has called each one of His kids to walk a "Miracle Road" of sorts.

Your road won't look like mine.

But each one of us should expect and hope for God to show up constantly along our road.

-A sunset we saw recently that turned the sky to a shade of orange I have never seen. A miracle.
-Watching a grieving friend stand up at his mother's funeral and speak with love and respect when he desperately wanted a different outcome. A miracle.
-Sitting with a woman who doesn't acknowledge God and watching the Holy Spirit work in her life as she reconsiders aborting the baby she is carrying.  A miracle.
-Watching people I love who are waiting on God to move in their situations and observing their complete trust in Him.  A miracle.
-Restoration.  A miracle.


-Walking in faith for the past 12 years.  Being carried and strengthened and sustained to bigger faith in our God who still does the impossible and not completely losing heart.  A miracle.

The miracle we are waiting for has happened yet.

But our hope remains miraculously intact.  This is astonishing for a girl who lets her feelings boss her around more than she should.

My miracle road is marked with all kinds of miracles. 

Just yesterday God answered my prayer about the weather and traffic.  Seriously. 

That is no less miraculous than a little girl getting up out of a wheelchair.  It is all small stuff to Him.

My job is to keep walking my miracle road.  Embrace the pain...hug it tight.  Trust the One who has paved my road and knows each bend and turn.  As I walk my road and you walk yours others will take notice. 

Anybody can walk a road with no obstacles.

Who is impressed with that?

This world needs to see believers walking the roads that look impossible to traverse. 

Roads that seem blocked.
Roads that are too steep and then then plunge to the depths.
Roads that are worn away by the elements and time.
Roads that seem to never end with sameness....


"And a highway will be there; it will be called the Way of Holiness;
the unclean will not journey on it;
it will be for those who walk in that Way;
wicked fools will not go about on it.
No lion will be there,
nor will any ferocious beast get up on it;
they will not be found there.
But only the redeemed will walk there, 
and the ransomed of the Lord will return.
They will enter Zion with singing;
everlasting joy will crown their heads.
Gladness and joy will overtake them, 
and sorrow and sighing will flee away." Isaiah 35:8-10


 

Occasions to Cherish

Why in the world does the month of May sneak up on me?!?

I know it is coming every single year.  Right after April and before June yet I am caught by surprise time and time again.

The wrap up of the school year and extracurricular activities is about enough to leave a mom dazed and confused.

We wrapped up soccer. We wrapped up ballet.  We wrapped up Awana.  We wrapped up chorus.  We wrapped up Kindergarten, 3rd grade, and 5th grade. We celebrated graduations and birthdays and anniversaries.

I am still not sure how we managed to get through the month and stay normal.

From now on I am going to mark May on my calendar as the same level of crazy as Christmastime.  Because it really is.

Blogging took a back seat this month because life had to be lived...not just written.

In the midst of the craziness were two incredibly special occasions that I want to share. 

This little boy of ours turned 6 years old.  His birthday always falls right at the last day of school.

He is a delight to us in every way.

We knew nothing but girly stuff when he came along.  He has certainly changed all of that.  He is laid back and funny.  He loves to take risks and go fast and still snuggle with me and his daddy.  This was a big birthday for him.  He got a BB gun and his first real knife.

It has been pure joy for me to watch my little man and my big man whittle sticks and shoot squirrels together.
Zeke wants to be like his daddy in every way and nothing would please me more.

Happy birthday Ezekiel.  My heart just spills out when you look at me and I see your daddy in your little features.  More than anything...I want you to love Jesus.  I pray for you to be brave, strong, kind, self-controlled, compassionate, and honest.  You are the perfect ending to our little family.  

The second occasion I cherished this month included the other fella in my life.

Shep and I celebrated 16 years of marriage this May.

This seems completely unbelievable to me.

What is the saying?  "The days seem long but the years seem short."

Our days and struggles seem long but the years continue to fly by....

I am so strengthened by my husband. He lives his life in simple yet furiously strong faith.  It splashes over onto me all the time.  His optimism and perseverance are unlike anything I have ever witnessed in another person.  Other than the saving grace of Jesus....Shepard Helton is my greatest blessing.  I love being his wife.  I love being the mother of his children.  I love sharing space with him.  I love knowing his secrets.  I love how he cherishes me.

We had a chance to get away for one night and we seized it.  The night was full of serendipity.  Our favorite food, scenic walks, dancing and chance encounters made for the best night ever!  We ended the evening at midnight slowing dancing to "At Last".  It couldn't have been more appropriate.

I love being married to this man.  I still have the biggest crush on him!

I Could Just Lie....

but I won't.

Today is a rough one.

The sun is shining outside but the thoughts that cloud my mind are dark and troublesome.

Whoever said that believers in Jesus don't deal with fear and anxiety?!?

We do.  Those of us that don't lie.

Most days we choose to trust God over those things....

But today I can't seem to.

The onset of summer always throws me into emotional turmoil.  When other moms are planning fun outings for their children I am simply trying to figure out to adjust for 2 kids that want to do everything and 1 child that cannot do anything.

The balance is hard.

Don't get me wrong....we DO plenty of things.  But going to the pool, the library, museums, or anywhere else with an almost 12 year old that wears diapers and has to been carted around in a wheelchair goes from a little difficult to out right almost not-even-worth-it.

I said almost.

It is worth it.  Sometimes.  Sometimes she really enjoys herself but other times she would just rather be at home.  She is uncomfortable and hot and she notices when others stare at her.

In addition to the summer time blues~ she will begin middle school next year.

(Insert scream here)

Middle school doesn't bother me.  Crazy tweens with haywire hormones used to be my job.  I actually taught at the very middle school Caroline will attend when I was pregnant with her.  But I never pictured her entering that school building as she is now.  I just knew God would heal her before then.

But He hasn't. 

And today....it seems as though He never will.

See?  I told you.  Rough day.

But this is the battle folks.

No reason to pretty it up and pretend that our faith only rides the peaks.  Plunges into the valley of despair are the norm too. 

But oh it hurts.

That feeling where your heart drops to your feet on the first hill of a roller coaster...you are grasping for steady solid stable ground...but God allows the plunge...and takes you deeper and farther than maybe you have gone before.

Bigger faith requires new unexplored territory.  God can conquer there too.  But I think He lets us feel it.  If we never battled the fear, dread, and anxiety of the moment then we would never look to the One who gives us peace.

If we only ventured into the safe and settled places we would never cry out, "Oh God please help me.  Come be my Prince of Peace.  You said you would.  Come and do it Lord."

Today I am crying out to Him. My heart is broken again over the same things I have told Him before. He knows. He is here.  He hears.  He hasn't whisked me out of this place just yet. This particular pain holds a purpose and I can be ok with that.

I can tell He has grown me some. 

The proof of that is that I am not lying in bed all day with the blinds drawn or rocking back and forth in the fetal  position....useless....paralyzed by fear and uncertainty.

Instead I have lived this day.  A little bit mad. A little bit sad.  But hope, the whisper of it, never leaves.

God's Word tells us that we have mercies waiting on us each day.  I believe that mercy is the only thing that has carried me through this day. 

Right now I have 2 choices.  Despair or Wait (and trust).

Can I please have door number 3?

Oh yea....there isn't one. 

Despair leads to nowhere good.

 But waiting feels much like the same thing...helpless....useless...depressing...and the ever--------------slowly---------------passing------------------of ---------------------time.

Today I will choose to wait.  Again.

But I want to throw the tantrum about it.  Is that fair to say?

"I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. Wait for the LORD; be strong and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the LORD."  Ps. 27:13-14 NASB

When Words Won't Come....

This morning I asked God to give me words again.  I have really slacked off in my writing.

Until the words come again I want to be intentional about God's Word.

His Word trumps my foolish words any day of the week. 

My words tend to be pessimistic.  His Word gives hope.
My words show worry.  His Word equips.
My words reflect fear.  His Word gives courage.

This morning God's Word was alive and hopeful as I read the account of a battle won by praise.

2 Chronicles chapter 20 grips the reader with truth that is unbelievable. How is that for an oxymoron?!?

The army of Judah finds themselves in a tight spot.  They are being pursued by three different enemies.  They are terrified and afraid.  They call upon the Lord.

He delivers them in a way no one could have guessed or imagined.

That is what God does.  He outdoes us every time.

His ways are outside of our boxes.  He cannot be contained.

The Word says that singers were put out in front of the army, "singing to the LORD and praising him for his holy splendor." v21

Singing.  Words to melody lifted high on the wind by an outnumbered army.  Without intervention from God Almighty this army was doomed to defeat.  They sang anyway.

It delighted God.  Their faith moved His heart and He out did anything they could have imagined.

"At the moment they began to sing and give praise, the LORD caused the armies of Ammon, Moab, and Mount Seir to start fighting among themselves." 

My words won't come but I can write about the goodness of my God anyway. 

He is good.

He is for us.

He interjects and steps into our lives with jaw dropping delight...because He loves to save.

He did it for the army of Judah and I am satisfied He does it for even armies of one.

Little ol' me.

And you.

When words fail me.....praise can still break forth.

The LORD is my strength, my shield from every danger.
I trust in him with all my heart.
He helps me, and my heart is filled with joy.
I burst out in songs of thanksgiving.  Ps. 28:7