Could you.....Would you??

Our pastor preached about being filled and led by the Spirit yesterday.

He is going through the book of Romans in a verse by verse way and I really enjoy it.

He was finishing up Romans chapter 7 and preparing to dive into the first part of chapter 8. He began to compare the two chapters.

Chapter 7 uses the word "I" lots of times.
Chapter 8 uses the words "Holy Spirit" lots of times.

In chapter 7 Paul describes being at war with himself....wanting to do right but giving in to worldliness. Chapter 8 takes on a new tone...it describes one being filled and led by the Holy Spirit rather than always trying to do things in their own strength.

He asked us this question, "Which one are you...a chapter 7 christian or a chapter 8 christian?

Obviously I want to be led and filled by the Spirit, but am I?

I caught a glimpse of a picture of me 7 and a half years ago. Of course, time has done its thing and I look older. However, I noticed another subtle change. Years of sorrow and pain have taken away a lightness that I once had. I don't feel that I have that now.

That girl (the one in the picture 7 plus years ago) would have told you that she was spirit led. She would have told you that she loved Jesus and wanted to be full of His Spirit.

Now, I know better.

She didn't really want to be led by the Spirit or filled with the Spirit.

She wanted to be left alone. Her life was rocking along just fine.

My thoughts would have been something like, "Leave me alone God and let me get around to being full of You in my own way."

Yeah, see...that doesn't happen so much. Not that I see.

Do you really want it?
Do you really want to be full of Him and His will?
Do you really want to let go of what you want and say "yes" to what He wants for you?

-What if He takes away your dreams?
-What if He allows your heart to be broken repeatedly?
-What if He lets your faith be pushed to limits you didn't think you could take?

-Would you want Him then or would you just go your own way?

For me, I am understanding something today.

I am sure that I am an embarrassment to all special needs parents out there. I apologize to you. I struggle so much at this job. I get frustrated. I lose it (my cool) everyday. I grow tired of watching and wanting so much for my child.

Let me be very clear...I adore my girl.
I think she is gorgeous and perfect.
She is funny. She is smart. She is delightful in so many ways.

Let me also be clear about the pain that goes along with it....
it never ends.
It is an unexplainable ache.

Here I sit...
my dreams shattered...
my heart broken...
my faith shaken...

and somehow I do still want more of Him.

I don't really know how that is possible. All I know is that only now when I am forced to be desperate does that answer really seem sincere.

Could you?
Would you?

What if your child was stricken today?
What if you got a diagnosis that seemed hopeless?
What if you lost your spouse?

I am spent most days. I know (from trying so hard) that Andrea can't possibly make it. I know I need a Savior every single second of every single day. I know myself too well.

I am not really sure that one can sincerely choose to want more of God if you are living a comfortable and mostly happy life. You can't know that you want it...much less need it.

I have had to be forced into this....

I have only bent the knee when pain, sorrow, and brokenness has made me.

Romans 8:17 "Now if we are children, then we are heirs- heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory."