He sees

My Holy Spirit alarm clock woke me at 5 a.m. this morning. I laid there and did what I normally do when this occurs, I asked God who I was supposed to pray for and then I wait for people to come to mind.

There were a few names and I lifted them up, but what I felt God was saying to me was, "Get up out of these warm sheets and go to a place where I can speak and you can listen."

I did just that.

(Secretly, I didn't really want to get out of bed but I ask God all the time to speak to me, so my comfort doesn't really matter when I am being drawn by the King of the Universe. Ya think?? Lord, help me. How many times have I just stayed comfortable and in bed when He just wanted to meet with me?

Anyway, I started working on my Bible study and as I did I began to see God's point.

( Before I fill you in on my circumstance at hand, just know that some of you will judge my feelings. You will not understand my position. I would just say to be careful about casting a verdict on me when you haven't been there.)

Today, I am going to go do something that I dread. Everyone else is very excited but not me. Caroline's dynavox device is going to be delivered to her school today and so I am going to be trained in its use.

-I don't understand why she needs this very expensive device if God is going to heal her...
-I also somehow feel that if she gets this device then God won't heal her...

I don't defend these thoughts. They just stay in my head.

God showed me through his Word and the life of Hagar that "he sees me."

He knows I don't understand.
He knows I don't like it one bit.
He knows I don't want to do it.
He knows I dread it.

I think He is o.k. with all of that. But He is also urging me to trust Him in this.

This is a "do-over" for me.

The last time I was at her school discussing this device...I lost it! Her teachers could tell I was against it and by the time I got to my car I was bawling. This device makes me feel like I have given up hope of her healing.

My "do-over" is today. Guess what? My feelings haven't really changed. I still want to bawl when I think about it. I am still against it in my gut. I don't get it and I want to tell God how this doesn't fit in my plans.

El Roi...the God who sees knows all of this.

He says to me, "I know your feelings on this issue. I have heard your cry. I am telling you to focus on trusting me in the midst of it.

So, as I enter that school today, I will go in will a clear focus of trust in my Lord instead of dwelling on how I will feel.

Pray for me.