Called or crazy?!?

The "Rocky" movie series is somewhat sacred at our house. Shep loves those movies.
(He has even been known to lift weights and work out with the Rocky soundtrack blaring in the background.)

There is something deeply rooted in him that likes to see a man fight his way to the top...and win. I've wondered why they have made so many of those movies. I mean, aren't there like 5 or 6 now? But, the truth is, any Rocky fan feels like they have lived life (the ups, downs, wins, losses, deaths, births, near misses) with him. Time has been taken to really feel the effect of his circumstances.

Today I feel like Rocky in the spiritual sense.

Funny parallel I know.

But how many times have I watched those stupid movies and seen his character fight? After each round he takes his bruised and battered body over to his corner and sits for a set breather. During said time he gets his wounds tended to and a proverbial pep talk from his coach.

I am here.

Sure I have my hair pulled back in a ponytail, make-up on, matching (cute, I hope) clothes on. I showed up for work. I did my job. I spoke when spoken to. I managed to even get a few things at the grocery store.

But hear me. I am beaten and bruised spiritually.

Yesterday I allowed my enemy to come at me. I really didn't even fight back. I just let him speak his lies. Instead of rebuking him...I just sat there. He threw punches of doubt over and over. He jabbed me with cynicism. I could sense my faith shrinking and discouragement clouding my view. By the time we loaded up to go to prayer time at church I was numb and raw all at the same time.

I sat in our small little group and listened to Shep teach on prayer. Tears brimmed over my eyelids with each word he said.

I really didn't want to be there.

I wanted to be home under the covers. I wanted something fun to do so I could forget about how hard this felt.

Anything to avoid this pain.

But my Heavenly Coach knows me best. He is training me for my good and His glory. It did not escape His attention that I had been spiritually beaten to a pulp all day.

He had me at prayer time for a reason. He was going to begin the process of tending to my wounds and speaking truth to his little fighter....who happened to NOT be fighting.

I sat in my seat and let the tears fall.

I had already determined that I was NOT going to pray. I even told Shep not to call on me or ask me to pray out loud.

As we began our corporate prayer time I shuffled up front to the altar. At least there I could be away from others and cry as much as I wanted without causing a scene.

I felt someone else come close.

It was Shep.

He knew I wasn't in a good place. His presence was good for me.

As the praying began I felt the need to cry out to God. But I didn't want to.

My obedience finally over took my pride and I found myself praying out loud in our group. The more I spoke the more I sensed God's comfort on me. I spoke out of a breaking heart. I spoke out of my desperation. I didn't have to even try to think ahead of what to say because the words spilled out of my mouth without much of a filter. I was sorry that the others had to hear me but it was as if only God and I were there. Burdens were becoming lighter and faith was filling me again.

Our weekend drew to a close with some sweet time together as a family. I went to bed sore from the internal struggle but strengthened in my resolve.

This morning I went into my prayer closet and spoke candidly with my Heavenly coach again. He knows how hard this faith journey is. But He chose it for me. Almost 10 years ago He prompted us to believe Him for Caroline's healing.

During those early months and years it was hard. But nothing like it is now. We were hearing God frequently through dreams, visions, and prophetic words. A month wouldn't go by that God didn't somehow reaffirm His plan to heal.

It seemed like such a calling on our lives. Almost exciting even....

Now it just feels crazy.

The truth is~ He hasn't changed the plan.

It was crazy back then.

But it was new and fresh.

Now it is just old and hard. Day after day...pressing in. Going against how we feel or what we see or what others say...

This morning my Heavenly Coach had a pep talk in His blessed Word for me to hear.

Hebrews 3:14 says...."We have come to share in Christ if we hold firmly till the end the confidence we had at first."

I know that this verse was not written in the context about healing my little girl. But God spoke it specifically to me this morning.

The fight isn't over yet. Bruised and battered...yes. Lost some rounds....yes. But the battle belongs to my God. He means to send His children into the fray to fight. We have to fight our doubts, fears, insecurities, and an enemy to seeks to destroy our faith.

I praise Him today for nurturing my wounds and comforting me with His Word.

I desire nothing less than to "hold firmly till the end the confidence I had at first!!!" Amen!