Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Can I fall apart?
Poor Brandi.
She called and checked in on me today. She asked all of the right questions. Little did I know that this would be the day that the tears would come and I would fall apart. I cried for the first time today. It just spilled out...kind of like a drink that is too full and has to pour over the sides.
It has been 11 days since June 12th. Life has gone on. I think most people don't talk to me about it because they don't want to remind me of what didn't happen.
I wish "reminding me" was the case. It is ever before me...always on my mind.
It started Saturday evening....this overwhelming....encompassing....closing in feeling of....being forgotten.
The 12th came and went. Now, summer is continuing on. We get up and do our deal. This huge expectation has melted away into the daily grind of life. To be honest, I miss it. I miss the amazing feeling of expectation.
Before anyone thinks that I am giving up or giving in....I AM NOT!!
Today is just a day. Right now is hard. The feelings are winning. It does happen sometimes. We just usually don't want to admit that to people even though we all know it is true.
I know all of God's promises for me. I know HE is here. I know HE cares for me. I know HE is in complete control. I know HE works all things out. I know HE is pleased with my faith.
But, I also know that I don't feel any of that right now.
The additional financial burdens that are hitting hard at our house also have a way of just chipping away at my resolve. It seems to just come at us from all angles.
I want to desperately pitch my fit....and beg God to make it stop. Fix it. Change it. Help tangibly now....so that I can see it. Thankfully, He is patient through our fits.
I didn't want to blog any of this. Frankly, I have steered clear of the computer for that reason. Maybe I am too prideful or embarrassed to show this pain.....this weakness....this frailty....this frustration....and this REAL side of me. I knew soon after I shed my tears that I was to blog about how all of this feels. God knows we run from Him because of the way "this" feels. I believe He wants me to be raw and real about it.
HE is GOD over this too.
"You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all of my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book."
-Ps.56:8
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5 comments:
Let it all out...yes, you CAN fall apart. He's right there with you...and so are all of us.
Covering you with Hebrews 10:35-39
So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised. For in just a very little while, "He who is coming will come and will not delay. But my righteous one will live by faith. And if he shrinks back, I will not be pleased with him." But we are not of those who shrink back and are destroyed, but of those who believe and are saved.
When we are the weakest, He is the strongest. It takes strength to lay open our hearts to the internet....what courage and heart I see in my beautiful and humble daughter. I love you and draw strength from you as I too have been weak and weary. "But you are a shield around me, O Lord; you bestow glory on me and lift up of my head. To the Lord I cry aloud, and he answers me from his holy hill. Ps 3:3-4 Mom
2 Corinthians 12:7-10,
Paul begged God to remove the "thorn" in his flesh.
God said, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness"
Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me.
10Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ's sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong.
Andrea,
Even Christ in the Garden asked that if it were possible that the cup He was to bare to be taken away and was so anguished that He sweated drops of blood. He truly does know every feeling we have.
Know that you are on my heart and in my prayers always.
Love you!
While we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen: for the things which are seen are temporal; but the things which are not seen are eternal.
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