Numb

Here it is....June 13th.

The miracle DIDN'T happen.

I don't know what to say or how to feel. I am sure you have all been here at some point in your life.

"How did I miss you God?"

"How could you have wanted us to go through all of this?"

I KNOW GOD IS GOOD....but right now I feel cheated, disappointed, and cast away.

I have been here before. The feeling hasn't changed. I will say it is intensified. It hurts more and worse than before.

I feel like I have been holding on to a helium filled balloon for 7 years and I am tempted to let it fly into the air and disappear. Why should I hold on to it any more? I could do so much more and life would be easier to do things with both hands. That balloon feels like "the healing". I have carried this hope for so long. What if I just let it go?? I must say it would feel like a death to watch it fly into the sky and disappear. But, am I being silly by going through life with one hand tied up by holding a balloon?

Is anyone getting this analogy???

Please know that I am brain vomiting here. Feelings are hard to process and I am doing the best I can. I don't want to pray. I don't want to read the Word. I don't want to talk to anyone.

But.....I will.

I will pray. I will read the Word. I will talk about this.

I don't have a choice.

If I don't, I will spiritually die. That ISN'T an option.

Please pray for me and Shep. The mood in our home is so sad. We are utterly confused. Have we been wrong the whole time about Caroline? Have we only heard what we wanted to hear? Did God want us to walk through this disappointment in front of an audience? We want desperately to hear something from Him....the hard part is.....we don't trust what we think we hear now.

That is a hurdle that only God can help us jump over....

To my amazing faith-filled friends.....keep holding our hands up. Don't look at us with pity. We need your strength not your sadness. We need your assurance not your assessment of the situation. We need your love and not your judgement.

I don't know what all of this was about.

I know His ways are higher than mine.

I know that He will often sacrifice our feelings in order to complete His plan.

I am not as hurt as I thought I would be....I just have so many questions...

I don't know what else to say. It may be a few days before I can bring myself to post a new blog.

One thing I know. He has given us friends and family that have rallied like nothing I have seen. I still pray that He is about to move....maybe He was just lighting the fire to get us ready....

I hope so....