Last night I managed to stay awake to see the clock strike midnight.
We had family over to spend the night to celebrate the occasion in our low-key Helton style.
Food on the grill filling the air with wonderful aromas and music in the background set our atmosphere as we piled around the table laughing and learning a new game that made our nerves both excited and raw.
It was such a fun night.
Noise-makers sounded off as we began to count backward from 10 down to 1 and we watched the ball drop.I would not have traded my comfy couch seat for a spot in NYC for anything.
My sweet man shared a kiss with me to welcome in 2020.
It was worth the bags under my eyes this morning.
My soul has been rejuvenated from this 2 week break from school.
It has been a respite that was desperately needed.
Our Christmas was completely special even with the flu hitting my mama pretty hard and changing up some of our holiday traditions. We rolled with the changes and made the best of things.
Early on in December I experienced something that shook me to the core.
It was an unexpected encounter between the Lord and me as I sat surrounded in a large room full of people.
However those folks might as well have not been there.
It was as if Jesus orchestrated a date for the two of us....just He and I.
He was speaking and I could hardly take it.
I cannot recall a time when I felt so exposed and vulnerable.
I was squirming in my seat and all I wanted to do was run out the nearest door and escape the smothering sense of all-knowing God meeting me right where I was.
It was too much.
The context hit too close to home.
A speaker was speaking but I cannot remember her name.
Instead a very LOUD conversation was taking place in my head.
Prayers were silently spoiken to the Lord and the speaker would literally say back what I had just prayed.
Except how could she know?
My prayers were incredibly precise and specific.
Her words and biblical references felt like a hammer prying into a concrete wall that encased my heart.
Precise and specific as my own.
I left there undone.
The God of Heaven was pursuing me and I was terrified.
Scared to believe it was true and scared not to believe it.
Here I sit almost a month later.
No answers.
No closer to why that happened.
I want to know. I need to know.
That encounter allowed a crack of hope to light up my world.
Truthfully I have grown accustomed to the dim-lit days as of late.
It is my new normal.
The weight of that event blew some wind into the embers of hope that I assumed were now dormant.
This longing in my heart has been awakened anew and I am not sure how to navigate it.
I have taken my requests to God.
After time in His Word and petitioning Him in prayer I come away with no answers to my questions. Instead I am given reminders that He is my PEACE.
Instead of seeking my answers I am to rest in the PEACE of my JESUS.
My inner child wants to pitch a complete fit.
I want to rail against His authority and insist that anwers to my questions will make my life better.
He knows better.
This pivotal moment is one that will reveal my character.
Will I trust His way to simply be my peace?
Will I wait and surrender to His timing?
Or will I demand my own way and be dissatisfied with nothing less?
Too many times I have done the latter....
But today, day 1 of 2020, I relinquish my will to Him.
I will cling to Jesus instead of insisting on my answers.
My life is supposed to be all about Him.
That saying usually ends up on a sign that gets placed in my home rather than the mantra that drives my heart.
My life is not my own.
I was bought with a price.
I will trust and obey....answers or not.
Psalm 115:1
Not to us, Lord, not to us
but to your name be the glory,
because of your love and faithfulness.
Praise be to the name of God for ever and ever;
wisdom and power are his.
He changes times and seasons;
he deposes kings and raises up others.
He gives wisdom to the wise
and knowledge to the discerning.
He reveals deep and hidden things;
he knows what lies in darkness,
and light dwells with him.
Daniel 2:20-22
