Friday, July 3, 2015

JUST. AS. I. AM.

This was a favorite hymn to sing at the conclusion of our Sunday sermons.

I can remember thinking how appropriate the lyrics were for this time in the service.  

The words seem to beckon a prodigal down the aisle toward repentance.

The truth is...I have always associated this song with salvation.  

Last night that changed a little bit.

The spiritual blahs had descended upon me with suffocating fullness.

It seemed as though I was looking for anything and everything to set me off.

And when I am looking for a fight...it's funny...I usually find one.

For me embracing the blahs means becoming consumed with myself.

Tunnel vision.

In addition to nauseating self-thoughts I also become angry at God.  I allow my mind become a dump heap of doubt and fear and self-pity.

Ugh.

The things I hate and despise I gladly embrace when my mind is in a bad place.

For me a walk by faith requires intentional thought and deed.  

Spiraling downward requires letting down that guard.  I simply quit being intentional about my walk.  
It is fascinating.

You would think that it would take a long time to spiral down.  

It doesn't.

For me it can be moments.

When I simply think on myself.  
My wants.
My doubts.
My worries.
My fears.
My comparisons.
My insecurities.
My questions.
My issues.

The capacity I had to focus on God becomes filled with me.

He hasn't left me.

I have shifted my focus...and left Him.

Here is another fascinating point. 

The more I continued to focus on myself the more justified I felt in my anger.

Isn't this so true?

My chest filled with indignation against God.  My fists raised in the air in angst and frustration.

And this is how He found me.

I decided to run a bath because there seems to be no better place to drown self-pity.  Getting still in the water with a racing angry mind I heard these words~

Just as I am without one plea
But that thy blood was shed for me
And that thou bidst me come to thee
Oh Lamb of God I come.  I come.

Just as I am tho tossed about
With many a conflict many a doubt
Fightings within and fears without
O Lamb of God I come. I come.

There was no sermon.
I didn't need for my soul to be saved.

But I was being invited to come.


JUST ME.
JUST A MESS.
JUST FUMING.
JUST BROKEN.
JUST EMPTY.

JUST AS I AM.

Running to Him on a spiritual high is glorious.
Running to Him when I am sad is sweet.

But anger and hurt is different somehow.

Not only do I not want to come....I don't even think I can approach His throne with my anger and hurt bubbling out.

But He invited it.

He welcomed me.

He was bidding me to come.

That song took on an additional meaning to me.  As sure as He delighted to save me from hell, He wants to save me from me.

The enemy cannot have my soul.  But he knows how to attack my mind with defeated thoughts.  He knows that my salvation is sure but my faith is shaky.

His chief aim is to make me question the character of God.

Today I have purposely and intentionally focused on my blessings.  All given from a loving God.

Hope comes back and just as quickly I begin climbing out of the hole from night.

On this eve of Independence Day may I be ever mindful of the freedom I have in Jesus Christ.

He freed my soul on Calvary when He died.
He frees me every day from the sin that so easily entangles...when I allow Him to.

When I come to Him JUST AS I AM.



Galatians 5:16-18
 So I say, let the Holy Spirit guide your lives. Then you won’t be doing what your sinful nature craves.  The sinful nature wants to do evil, which is just the opposite of what the Spirit wants. And the Spirit gives us desires that are the opposite of what the sinful nature desires. These two forces are constantly fighting each other, so you are not free to carry out your good intentions.  But when you are directed by the Spirit, you are not under obligation to the law."






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