Living the (dreaded) What IF

This past Sunday night I asked my husband a loaded question.

We had just settled into a booth at Waffle House and placed our order.  While we waited on our food I asked for his opinion on something very personal in my life.

Let me state for the record that I trust this man with my whole heart.

I trust his walk with Jesus.
I trust his love for me.

Here was my question~ "How do you think I am doing spiritually?"

*YIKES*

I knew he would be thoughtful and careful with his response.

His words would be measured and honest.

He would only say what was needed.  Rarely more than that.

He gave his response and I listened.

Really I did.

I had already decided not to be offended by anything he said.

Truthfully I wanted to see if this man that I have committed my life to was capable of reading ME~ my thoughts, feelings, and emotions of late....my yearnings and heartaches before God.

As if on cue he delivered a response that could not have been more spot on.

Although I was a bit embarrassed at some of his observations I was completely at ease because the man speaking the words to my question was completely kind and compassionate in his delivery.

You see we set out on a course of believing God for a mighty BIG miracle over 15 years ago...

We believed that God (through His Word and other avenues) prompted us to believe Him to heal our daughter Caroline.

I must say that we fervently believed this would happen while she was little.

It didn't.

It hasn't.

I can remember thinking years ago that I would die if I believed God for this and He didn't do it.

Well....I am not dead.

But I must admit I am living out my "what if."

Each day I wake up to a fresh reality.

Fifteen years have come and gone and our daughter is exactly the same.

I am sad about it.

I don't have an answer.

Oddly enough I know my faith has grown tremendously over the course of the past 15 years.

I remain hopeful in God.

Serving Him delights me.

But my walk with Jesus has suffered.

I am not so fresh-faced in this faith journey anymore.

I feel the fifteen years.
Sadness has a weight to it....
I have wanted to put a distance between me and my Lord.

Not to mention there are lots and lots of questions.

BUT here is where Shep and I landed during our conversation at Waffle House.

We were wrong.

Obviously.

But I don't believe we were wrong about ALL of it.

I still cling to the hope that God intends to heal my girl.

His time and His way will be better than any scenario that I can come up with as glorious.

As I pass people I know at church and search to meet their gaze I see the familiar sadness that I feel.

Isn't it funny that those of us that are free in Jesus Christ have such a difficult time admitting our disappointment and sadness?

What good is freedom if we lock ourselves inside?

This disappointment and sadness of my unmet expectations IS NOT outside the realm of God's control.

And neither is yours.

God knows I am disappointed.  He knows I am heartbroken.

I can smile and nod and small talk with the best of them....but HE is not fooled.

And He does not shrink back from it.

A sad and disappointed heart that can somehow still choose JOY is an outright miracle y'all.

But today I wanted to write it out.

I wanted the freedom to bring my whole self (the heartbroken gal) into the light.

Things have not happened as I hoped or expected.

But God is here.

He is ok with me NOT BEING ok.

He has walked every hill and valley with the faithful saints that have gone before me.

He sees all and knows that faith refined by fire is beautiful and rare.

He is worthy of my unmet expectations.

And my broken heart has no better solace than His love and tender care.


"We depend on the Lord alone to save us.
Only He can help us, protecting us like a shield.

In him our hearts rejoice,
For we are trusting in his holy name.

Let your unfailing love surround us, Lord,
for our hope is in You alone."  Ps. 33:20-22