Tired of Being Tired

This is the type of post that I hate writing.

The main reason is because I have to face myself...and who wants to do that, right?

I am tired.

Not sleepy.
Not groggy.

Tired.

I went for a quick walk tonight.  The sun was on its downward journey and there was the slightest feel of Fall in the air.  I plugged in my earbuds so I could listen to my music without having to hear my thoughts.

Have you ever done that?

I listened to some of my favorite tunes.  I walked at a fast pace trying with each step to will away this funk that I find myself in.

As I silently sang along the words seemed to fade away.  I couldn't quite seem to find a song to say what I feel.

The truth is I don't think there is one.

Shep and I seem to find ourselves worn out from fighting some battles that have lingered for years.

These are not battles against each other.

They are issues that we are facing together.

Obviously one of the most difficult we face every single day is continuing to believe that God is going to heal our girl.

10 years of sunrises.
10 years of sunsets.
10 years of birthdays.
10 years of Christmas mornings.
10 years of therapies, doctor visits, diaper changes, g-tube feeds, and the list goes on and on....

We have felt and lived every single one of those days.  And for over 10 years we have ardently held fast to the hope that God has told us that He will heal our daughter.

If you think this gets easier with time...think again.
If you think people are always kind and encouraging.....think again.
If you think that we don't struggle with our faith....think again.

If that were our only mountain it would be hard enough.  But we have more.

We have other issues that seem like towering giants around us.

Without God's intervention  in these areas~ we are sunk.

These pressures face us every day.  Or maybe I should say we get up with them staring us right in the face. We wake up to the same fears and doubts.  Time has only intensified them. 

Will we give up?
Will we back down?
Will we tuck tail and run?

No

But sometimes you're tired and you want to....even if you won't.

I have studied enough of God's Word to know that many of those who followed Him were allowed to stay in troubling seasons for long periods of time.  Joseph sat in a jail cell for 14 years for doing what was right.  The list continues.  Start in Genesis and follow Abraham's life to watch a man who had to get comfortable with waiting.  John ends God's Word by writing the book of Revelation while he is banished to an island for punishment.  There he waited and there he received the vision of God's grand finale. 

Don't you know that these people thought they were a bit out of their minds? 

Don't you know that they experienced the same kind of tired that I am talking about today....thousands of years later.

The same God that asked them to wait.....to endure....to persevere....to believe...is still asking His children to wait today.

Time can teach trust like nothing else can.

But time can make us tired too.  And today I am tired.  I am tired of being tired. 

If I have offended you with my bluntness I am certainly sorry.  But I believe God can handle my honesty. 

One of my favorite passages in God's Word is found in Mark chapter 9.  It is a father with a broken heart.  I believe that he was beyond tired too.  His son was demon possessed and had been since child hood.  He had watched his son foam at the mouth, be thrown to the ground and into fire and water,  gnash his teeth, and have seizures.  Can you even imagine?  Day after day.  Night after night. 

Jesus asked the boy's father, "How long has he been like this?"
"From childhood," he answered.  "It has often thrown him into fire or water to kill him.  But if you can do anything, take pity on us and help us."
"If you can?"  said Jesus.  "Everything is possible for him who believes."
 Immediately the boy's father exclaimed, "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!" Mark 9:21-24

  I think that it is a little bit funny that Jesus asked the dad how long his son had been this way.  Jesus already knew the answer.  Duh.  He is God.  But I think he wanted to validate this dad's need to talk about it.  This dad needed someone to hear just how bad it had really been.  And even though Jesus already knew...he gave him the chance to speak publicly about  his private pain and the years of watching his son suffer. 

But the second thing that strikes me is his utter honesty.  No games.  No frills.

That is how I came to this keyboard tonight.  Tired.   AND tired of being tired.

Like this dad I just needed to say it. 

 "I will refresh the weary and satisfy the faint." Jeremiah 31:25