Hoping
Waiting
Watching
Wanting
Feeling
Hurting
Willing
Believing
Trying
Trusting
She turns 8 years old tomorrow. It will be a great day!
My daddy leaves late tonight for a mission trip to Brazil. He has already called our answering machine and left a message of himself singing "happy birthday" to Caroline. This is the first birthday of hers that he will have missed. I am sure we will play it over and over again for her to hear and laugh at the voice of this man that adores her so.
Walking By Faith
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Unprecedented attack
I knew when we said "yes" to God about Shep running for State Representative that we would open ourselves up for criticism, gossip, embarrassment, uncertainty, and all the other stuff that goes along with it.
I was NOT prepared for the attack that the enemy would wield. I guess I thought that the campaign stuff, our issues with Caroline, and the economic struggle would be enough to quench the enemy's thirst for us.
Was I ever wrong??
The weight of all of this feels so heavy that breathing seems difficult.
In our prayer time last night we were like two little kids huddled together talking to our daddy and telling on everyone and everything that hurts and overwhelms us. It was a sweet time. There was no religious pretense....just two of God's kids begging Him to show favor, blessing, and guidance. We laid bare our old fears and new ones. We asked more questions than should be allowed. We praised His name in spite of our mounting circumstances and bragged on His faithfulness in the midst of past storms.
He is faithful!
He is in control!
My soul finds rest in Joshua 1 today.
"Be strong and courageous....
Be strong and courageous...
Be careful to obey all the law my servant Moses gave you; do not turn from it to the right or to the left, that you may be successful wherever you go. Do not let this Book of Law depart from your mouth; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it.
Then you will be prosperous and successful. Have I not commanded you?
Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go."
We Christians want neat, ordered and very safe lives. We actually expect God to give that to us. We think that "safe" is part of His plan and to be dealing with fear is wrong.
Why would He use such strong words like "courageous" and "terrified" if He meant for us to never experience them?
He did expect us to experience them. He knew we would.
His calling on your life almost always guarantees some level of fear, doubt and uncertainty. It will be crazy scary. It can turn your "normal" upside down.
God walk with me today just as you did Joshua.
Left to myself....I am a heap of fear and discouragement, terrified too.
I know that you can literally change every bit of that.
Help your little warrior today. Give me courage. Give me faith.
I was NOT prepared for the attack that the enemy would wield. I guess I thought that the campaign stuff, our issues with Caroline, and the economic struggle would be enough to quench the enemy's thirst for us.
Was I ever wrong??
The weight of all of this feels so heavy that breathing seems difficult.
In our prayer time last night we were like two little kids huddled together talking to our daddy and telling on everyone and everything that hurts and overwhelms us. It was a sweet time. There was no religious pretense....just two of God's kids begging Him to show favor, blessing, and guidance. We laid bare our old fears and new ones. We asked more questions than should be allowed. We praised His name in spite of our mounting circumstances and bragged on His faithfulness in the midst of past storms.
He is faithful!
He is in control!
My soul finds rest in Joshua 1 today.
"Be strong and courageous....
Be strong and courageous...
Be careful to obey all the law my servant Moses gave you; do not turn from it to the right or to the left, that you may be successful wherever you go. Do not let this Book of Law depart from your mouth; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it.
Then you will be prosperous and successful. Have I not commanded you?
Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go."
We Christians want neat, ordered and very safe lives. We actually expect God to give that to us. We think that "safe" is part of His plan and to be dealing with fear is wrong.
Why would He use such strong words like "courageous" and "terrified" if He meant for us to never experience them?
He did expect us to experience them. He knew we would.
His calling on your life almost always guarantees some level of fear, doubt and uncertainty. It will be crazy scary. It can turn your "normal" upside down.
God walk with me today just as you did Joshua.
Left to myself....I am a heap of fear and discouragement, terrified too.
I know that you can literally change every bit of that.
Help your little warrior today. Give me courage. Give me faith.
Sunday, June 6, 2010
The Week Ahead...
This next week is VBS at our church.
It will be busy, fun, and exhausting!
It is also the week of Caroline's birthday. She will turn 8 years old on Friday.
I don't even know what to think of that.
Her birthday conjures many emotions each year.
I feel most grateful----for having her.
She has changed me and given me depths of compassion I never knew existed.
I feel hopeful---
I feel excited---
I feel sadness---
I feel a loss---
I relive this every year. It is the one event that changed us forever. Her birthday.
I have asked that God would walk me through this with ease. I can't explain why it is still so difficult. Probably because I thought she would be healed by now.
We are still standing.
We are still believing.
We hope it is soon.
Maybe we were wrong and it could be this year June 12th, 2010.
Who knows?
God does and it will be glorious when it happens!
God I am crying out to you. Hold me tight this week. Forgive my thoughts and actions that do not line up with Your will for my life. Don't let me slip into my usual sadness. Give me doses of joy and gladness. You know I miss what I have never known. I am forever grateful for my Caroline. Thank you for her and everything that she is to me and so many others. My weariness wears me out sometimes and holding on to this promise makes me feel crazy. But You are my strength! You make me an over comer! You are my Shield and my Strong Tower. I am running to You because I know I can't do this on my own. I praise You with everything I am...my faith, my fears, my hopes, my doubts, and my dreams. I want to give up because of how hard this is. Don't let me. Show me what You can do in the midst of difficulty. Carry me I pray.
It will be busy, fun, and exhausting!
It is also the week of Caroline's birthday. She will turn 8 years old on Friday.
I don't even know what to think of that.
Her birthday conjures many emotions each year.
I feel most grateful----for having her.
She has changed me and given me depths of compassion I never knew existed.
I feel hopeful---
I feel excited---
I feel sadness---
I feel a loss---
I relive this every year. It is the one event that changed us forever. Her birthday.
I have asked that God would walk me through this with ease. I can't explain why it is still so difficult. Probably because I thought she would be healed by now.
We are still standing.
We are still believing.
We hope it is soon.
Maybe we were wrong and it could be this year June 12th, 2010.
Who knows?
God does and it will be glorious when it happens!
God I am crying out to you. Hold me tight this week. Forgive my thoughts and actions that do not line up with Your will for my life. Don't let me slip into my usual sadness. Give me doses of joy and gladness. You know I miss what I have never known. I am forever grateful for my Caroline. Thank you for her and everything that she is to me and so many others. My weariness wears me out sometimes and holding on to this promise makes me feel crazy. But You are my strength! You make me an over comer! You are my Shield and my Strong Tower. I am running to You because I know I can't do this on my own. I praise You with everything I am...my faith, my fears, my hopes, my doubts, and my dreams. I want to give up because of how hard this is. Don't let me. Show me what You can do in the midst of difficulty. Carry me I pray.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Hope is my island....I am ready to get off!
Abraham has always been my hero of the faith.
I feel like God asked him to believe some pretty unbelievable things. Not unlike me....
God told him to leave everything familiar and just follow wherever God lead...
God told him he would be the father of a mighty nation...
God told him that he would have a son although he and his wife were years and years beyond child bearing...
The bible says in Romans 4:18-21 that "against all hope, Abraham in hope believed and so became the father of many nations, just as it had been said to him, 'So shall your offspring be.' Without weakening in his faith, he faced the fact that his body was as good as dead-since he was about a hundred years old- and that Sarah's womb was also dead. Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God had power to do what he had promised."
I just wonder about something.
Did Abraham have days that he hated hope?
I don't mean any disrespect to my God or my hero. However, let's be real. Many days passed when nothing happened. It seemed like nothing would ever happen. I am sure Abraham would have loved for God to appear to him every single day and reassure him of his original promise and plan. The flames of his faith would have remained high and hot. But we know the story....he tried to make God's plan happen on his own. So I guess this answers my question. I guess he did hate hope sometimes.
Here is where I am going with this.
The year anniversary of June 12th is coming up. It prompts many negative and disappointing emotions for me. I expected so much last year. I hoped BIG last year. I believed with everything I had.
It didn't happen.
In fact, this past year has been the hardest and most challenging year I have ever lived. I start re-asking all the questions. How did we miss you God? Did we do something wrong? Have the last 8 years been nothing but a sham based on our own selfish desires.
This morning I woke up already drowning in the despair of all of this.
It was no coincidence that I was to give my testimony today.....
So, I cried out to God and told him that I hated this hope that I so desperately cling to.
He gave me a word and a mental picture in my mind. He gave it with no condemnation or disappointment in me. Just understanding and kindness...
He said...."Hope is the island you live on. You shipwrecked there 8 years ago. You were so glad to find that island. You thrived on it. It fed you. It nourished you. It protected you. It gave you solid land to plant you feet on. Now, after 8 years you are tired of the very thing that gives you life. I understand. You want to leave this island....it isn't time yet. You are tempted to jump off of the rocks and see where the sea will take you...but you know you will die without hope. So you stay on the island. You are confused. You are lonely. You long for other things to look at. You feel like you have seen many rescue planes fly overhead only to NOT save you. You are still there. You wonder how long you will have to stay. I know you say you hate hope but you really don't. You really just hate the sameness of it. You really are grateful for it. But be cautioned....stay on the island until I provide way of rescue. It will be worth it."
That may mean nothing to you but He gave me a beautiful illustration that described exactly how I felt...and still feel.
Lord help my unbelief today.
I feel like God asked him to believe some pretty unbelievable things. Not unlike me....
God told him to leave everything familiar and just follow wherever God lead...
God told him he would be the father of a mighty nation...
God told him that he would have a son although he and his wife were years and years beyond child bearing...
The bible says in Romans 4:18-21 that "against all hope, Abraham in hope believed and so became the father of many nations, just as it had been said to him, 'So shall your offspring be.' Without weakening in his faith, he faced the fact that his body was as good as dead-since he was about a hundred years old- and that Sarah's womb was also dead. Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God had power to do what he had promised."
I just wonder about something.
Did Abraham have days that he hated hope?
I don't mean any disrespect to my God or my hero. However, let's be real. Many days passed when nothing happened. It seemed like nothing would ever happen. I am sure Abraham would have loved for God to appear to him every single day and reassure him of his original promise and plan. The flames of his faith would have remained high and hot. But we know the story....he tried to make God's plan happen on his own. So I guess this answers my question. I guess he did hate hope sometimes.
Here is where I am going with this.
The year anniversary of June 12th is coming up. It prompts many negative and disappointing emotions for me. I expected so much last year. I hoped BIG last year. I believed with everything I had.
It didn't happen.
In fact, this past year has been the hardest and most challenging year I have ever lived. I start re-asking all the questions. How did we miss you God? Did we do something wrong? Have the last 8 years been nothing but a sham based on our own selfish desires.
This morning I woke up already drowning in the despair of all of this.
It was no coincidence that I was to give my testimony today.....
So, I cried out to God and told him that I hated this hope that I so desperately cling to.
He gave me a word and a mental picture in my mind. He gave it with no condemnation or disappointment in me. Just understanding and kindness...
He said...."Hope is the island you live on. You shipwrecked there 8 years ago. You were so glad to find that island. You thrived on it. It fed you. It nourished you. It protected you. It gave you solid land to plant you feet on. Now, after 8 years you are tired of the very thing that gives you life. I understand. You want to leave this island....it isn't time yet. You are tempted to jump off of the rocks and see where the sea will take you...but you know you will die without hope. So you stay on the island. You are confused. You are lonely. You long for other things to look at. You feel like you have seen many rescue planes fly overhead only to NOT save you. You are still there. You wonder how long you will have to stay. I know you say you hate hope but you really don't. You really just hate the sameness of it. You really are grateful for it. But be cautioned....stay on the island until I provide way of rescue. It will be worth it."
That may mean nothing to you but He gave me a beautiful illustration that described exactly how I felt...and still feel.
Lord help my unbelief today.
Monday, May 31, 2010
Celebrating and remembering...
12 years ago this weekend Shep and I said our vows.
We laughed that some days we feel as if we have just always been together and other days we feel like we were just married a short while ago. I guess that is a good thing. We have talked all weekend about what we were probably doing at that exact time 12 years earlier.
-the rehearsal dinner
-the morning of the wedding
-the jitters right before the wedding
-the reception
-the honeymoon :>)
I am happy to say that marriage done God's way just gets better. I am so thankful for the strong man God gave me. He is the easiest person in the world to get along with and God knew I would need that....remember I am moody. He steadies my faith and builds me up.
We get to share our anniversary with Memorial Day. We got to ride on the motorcycle for a little while and we made a stop at the Georgia National cemetery.
Every single grave had an American flag in front of it. The sight was truly powerful. I felt like I was on sacred ground....it was like big bass drums should have been sounding off in the distance. I watched as parents and siblings of fallen loved ones placed flowers on graves and wiped tears of sorrow and sacrifice. I almost felt like I was intruding on their private moments. There were people talking, babies crying, and the hum of car engines. I wondered if these families wanted to scream out...."Do you know what they gave for you? Do you know what we lost for you?"
I felt such a fresh and renewed sense of gratitude, patriotism, and sacrifice.
These people lived and died so that I could enjoy this day of freedom riding around on a motorcycle with my husband.
I praise my God for creating such people that would lay down their own lives for those of us they will never meet. Help us to rise to the occasion and live out such courage in our daily lives. This was such an excellent reminder that "freedom isn't free."
We laughed that some days we feel as if we have just always been together and other days we feel like we were just married a short while ago. I guess that is a good thing. We have talked all weekend about what we were probably doing at that exact time 12 years earlier.
-the rehearsal dinner
-the morning of the wedding
-the jitters right before the wedding
-the reception
-the honeymoon :>)
I am happy to say that marriage done God's way just gets better. I am so thankful for the strong man God gave me. He is the easiest person in the world to get along with and God knew I would need that....remember I am moody. He steadies my faith and builds me up.
We get to share our anniversary with Memorial Day. We got to ride on the motorcycle for a little while and we made a stop at the Georgia National cemetery.
Every single grave had an American flag in front of it. The sight was truly powerful. I felt like I was on sacred ground....it was like big bass drums should have been sounding off in the distance. I watched as parents and siblings of fallen loved ones placed flowers on graves and wiped tears of sorrow and sacrifice. I almost felt like I was intruding on their private moments. There were people talking, babies crying, and the hum of car engines. I wondered if these families wanted to scream out...."Do you know what they gave for you? Do you know what we lost for you?"
I felt such a fresh and renewed sense of gratitude, patriotism, and sacrifice.
These people lived and died so that I could enjoy this day of freedom riding around on a motorcycle with my husband.
I praise my God for creating such people that would lay down their own lives for those of us they will never meet. Help us to rise to the occasion and live out such courage in our daily lives. This was such an excellent reminder that "freedom isn't free."
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Week 1 of summer
I've made it to Thursday.
So far.....so good.
I share openly how nervous I get with summer's arrival. Being trapped inside is a terrible feeling for me and my kids. However, I have worked really hard to make things better and get out as much as possible.
I won't lie. Monday was rough.
I bet I looked at the clock twice every hour. You guessed it. The day dragged on and on.
Since then we have made some trips and had some play dates with friends who bend over backwards to help me. (What would I ever do without them?)
As Friday approaches I gotta tell you that God has graciously provided a great start to our summer. Each day has held it own struggle and sweetness so far.
I am not so bold to say that I am cured of this anxiety. Just trying to take it a day at a time....
2 Timothy 1:7 "God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love and self-discipline."
So far.....so good.
I share openly how nervous I get with summer's arrival. Being trapped inside is a terrible feeling for me and my kids. However, I have worked really hard to make things better and get out as much as possible.
I won't lie. Monday was rough.
I bet I looked at the clock twice every hour. You guessed it. The day dragged on and on.
Since then we have made some trips and had some play dates with friends who bend over backwards to help me. (What would I ever do without them?)
As Friday approaches I gotta tell you that God has graciously provided a great start to our summer. Each day has held it own struggle and sweetness so far.
I am not so bold to say that I am cured of this anxiety. Just trying to take it a day at a time....
2 Timothy 1:7 "God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love and self-discipline."
Saturday, May 22, 2010
My birthday boy
God graced our home with Zeke two years ago and we have never been the same. Our home that stayed filled with princess stuff and pink girly decor was invaded by a boy. A wonderful boy. He is a miniature version of his daddy....gorgeous.
He calls me "Amma" instead of Momma and I love it!We celebrated his birthday from morning til night and enjoyed his favorite things.
He had pancakes for breakfast (made by Shep).
He had pizza for lunch (made by me).
He had chicken nuggets for dinner (made by Chik-fil-A). He calls is wicken.:>)
He opened his gifts: a play gun (his favorite), a movie, some toy cars, and a sand box full of sand.
The day flew by but we tried to cram in all of Zeke's favorites. It was a two year old's dream day of eating, sleeping, swimming, wrestling, and throwing sand in his new sandbox.Thank you God for entrusting Shep and I with this little man. I pray that he would grow in Your favor and be a man of strong character. I love seeing the little facets of his personality each day. Thank you for creating him. Help him to make a difference for Your Kingdom in this world and give us the wisdom to guide him in the path You have set out for him. He is a delight to our family and we humbly thank You these past two years. We want to see many many more.
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