Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Flying without a net

Anyone who knows me knows I am in new territory.

I have believed (because of many spoken prophetic words, dreams, etc..) that Caroline would be healed by now. I actually believed with all of my heart that she would be between the ages of 5 and 7 when her healing took place.

She is 8....and she is not healed.

So where does that leave me and all of the things I have believed for so long?

I am not sure to be quite honest.

I am kind of stuck.

On the one hand God has not said anything different. He had not given us any indication that His plans for her healing have changed. Keep waiting....keep believing....keep hoping.....keep standing....keep praying.

On the other hand most days I wonder if His lack of healing IS His answer. Could it be that He hasn't healed her yet because He isn't going to and we have had it wrong all this time?

That would be a huge shift for me in my life and to even think in that way makes me terribly sad.

I contemplate quitting everything....this blog, Bible study, music ministry, even church. I wouldn't do that.....but questioning all that I have believed for so long has taken me to the very edge.

Strangely I am pressing through. I hate every second of it.

I don't like constantly dealing with these kinds of feelings and fears all day every day. Who does?

But I have to. I am not going to quit.

Shep has been so great during all of this. He is dealing with so much right now....work, his family, and this campaign are taking every moment of his life. But he is heartbroken too. He doesn't understand why Caroline isn't healed and he doesn't have any answers either.

We were talking about what to do now that she is 8. Our best guess of God's plan has been blown to bits and I personally need a game plan. He gave me an answer from God's Word and I didn't like it very much but it was true.

He said, "Baby, we consider it joy. Every day we get up keep going and simply consider it joy that we are enduring these trials and heartaches. God has chosen us and we know that they will produce faith and perseverance."

I did appreciate that it was a biblical solution taken straight from James 1 but I didn't want to hear it.

How do I consider this joy?

I don't know and I am still working on that.

Right now I am just trying to get through a day at a time and not lose heart.

I am trying to hear and obey the gentle nudging of God.

I am trying to push through this pain instead of avoiding it.

I am trying to pray and get to know God in this new place. This place where each step is new and unsteady. This place where I never thought we would be. This place where answers are elusive and a sense of control is a ridiculous thought.

4 comments:

Steph said...

Love you all. Keeping you close in prayer though this next step. I wish there was more that I could do, but that is all I know to do for now.

Love ya,
Steph

Anonymous said...

hey girl!! i just happened to read your blog today and i heard the natalie grant song playing in the back ground. its so funny b/c i had the nudge to tell you to listen to that song again!!! MY HOPE endures!!! love bp

Anonymous said...

I am with you dear child and we will still believe even when we don't feel it, see it, or hear anything new to encourage us. God is always good and always right. We must take courage and crawl if necessary until we can run again in the long race of His will.

I love and miss you...Momma

Ivey's Mom said...

Well my friend-
Let's see - God and I have lots and lots of conversations. Mainly me telling him what I want, then fussing at him because he isn't giving me my way. It finally hit me one day...this is what he wants. One, for me to accept that maybe my girl is as healed as they come, that maybe it was me that needed the healing...ugg. not the way I wanted to look at things. And if you noticed the other night, our girls have a power to heal others without EVER saying a word. Pretty impressive if you ask me. I would say that power comes from somebody who is neither you or I. Our paths are harder, the girls' paths are different, our husbands examples of warriors, our families are examples of believing in what can't been seen, and our children are resilent (especially the brothers and sister) they'll make great people one day. You are doing a great job being right where you are meant to be. And maybe we don't understand why, but we'll know the answers one day - in HIS time rather than ours. And now you've got some one who is there you with you (rather than for you) and gets how hard the days are sometimes. I won't let you give up - doesn't seem to be part of you character anyway.