When HOPE is LESS

I remember doing some house cleaning on a cold winter morning several years ago.  We had been enjoying the warmth of a fire for a few nights in a row and the ashes were piling up inside the fireplace. 
Because I was in a cleaning mood I decided that this particular morning would be the perfect time to clean out the big pile of ashes. 

I used the metal shovel-thing and meticulously scooped the ashes into a grocery bag.  It took longer than I expected and it was messier than I had planned.  Particles of gray ash and soot were flying around the room.  However my diligence paid off.  Before long the ashes were tied up in a bag and placed outside on our deck. 

Then I began to sweep out the remaining little bits that were left.

It wasn't until a couple of days later that I realized my little cleaning project had left a permanent mark.

Shep had found a hole that appeared to be burnt into our back deck. 

He was puzzled and came to me.

Truthfully I was a bit puzzled myself. 

Then I remembered cleaning out the pile of ashes from the fireplace and placing the bag out on the back deck.

~But it was just a bunch of ashes.~ 

Obviously I had been wrong.

Shep freaked out a little bit and gave me a solid lecture on cleaning out the fireplace protocol.

Now I know to always use a metal bucket.  (oops)

Thankfully nothing of value had been burned.  We replaced two boards on our back deck and thanked our sweet Lord above for His mercy upon my ignorance.

But my thoughts turned back to those ashes. 

Seriously....it was ashes.  A big pile of ashes.

But somewhere there had to have been more.  Warm embers lingered from the previous night's blaze.

These memories flooded my mind yesterday.  I felt God tugging my heart to write about the days where hope is less. 

Honestly the days of less can be courageously lived because we have enjoyed days of more.

God tells us to recall and recount and remember His faithfulness.

I believe this practice is essential to our lives.

My days, weeks, and months of late have been very sad.

I have found myself questioning more than ever before.
I have sensed a spiritual laziness and apathy that comes from cynicism and doubt.
I simply don't want to believe what God has told me anymore....
The hurt and ache have turned into a numbness of sorts.

In this time God has shown me that HOPE is still there.  Just like those ashes piled high in my fireplace~ embers of hope burn still.

The fire isn't blazing right now.

But there have been days before that the fire of my faith was strong and fierce and brought a warmth to others.
There have been days when God's Word shook me to my core and spoke louder than any person on earth.
There have been days when the Holy Spirit spoke with clarity and power.
There have been days of dreams and visions.
There have been days of prophetic words and encouragement.
There have been days of exuberant praise and worship.
There have been days of powerful testimony.
There have been days of fellowship with God that were sweeter than anything I have ever known.

But not right now.

Right now the fire that once burned is but a pile of ashes....with embers I can't see or feel.

But I believe God that they are there.

I am not hopeless. 

But today hope seems less to me.

These are days we trust anyway.
We believe without any other reason than God says so.

I don't understand why God hasn't intervened yet.

But, the truth is, my understanding is not what matters. 

My obedience is crucial.

Obedience without anything else to fall back on.....

Obedience with no net....

Obedience when all looks dim....

Obedience when others mock and silently whisper....

Obedience is the pleasing sacrifice.


Today my hope is a pile of ashes. The leftovers of countless blazes that have burned.  I sit and wait for the breeze of the Holy One to blow upon me once again. 

Embers stirred by fresh air can't help but ignite.

And out of nowhere~ a flame will come forth again.

I miss it.  The fire. The zeal. The passion.

But the absence of it requires more.

Isaiah 48:10

 See, I have refined you, though not as silver;
    I have tested you in the furnace of affliction.

When Serving Means Getting.............a PUPPY!

Shep and I discussed getting a puppy several times. 

The conversation always ended the same way: I would mull over it for a long time and then freak out about how much work would be involved and how life would have to change.  My stomach would literally hurt over the thought of adding any more responsibility to our already crowded plate.

So I would go back and adamantly give Shep my list of reasons we could not/should not do this puppy thing...for extra emphasis my arms would be flailing because I tend to talk with my hands.

Time went by and I honestly thought the puppy issue was resolved. 

Any time my thoughts turned toward it...I simply shoved those thoughts away.

Until a few weeks ago when I was minding my own business and enjoying a bible study video. 

~God spoke to me.~

The topic of the last video was about servant hood.

This particular speaker was passionately teaching about Christians being bondservants to Christ.  We are slaves to Him by choice.  Not because we have to be...but because we want to be. 

She used an example about God prompting her to serve her family in a particular way.

It was something she didn't want to do....dreaded even. 

It was going to be hard.  It was going to hinder her plans.  It was going to require sacrifice.

As I sat there...I knew.  In the pit of my stomach I knew that a puppy was a way that I could serve my family.

Just a few shorts weeks later Shep and I gave our kids an early Christmas present....

Meet Jasper. 

He is currently a 9 week old Red Bone Hound.

We are in the process of crate training him.  So far he loves his crate.

He is incredibly playful and fun.

It has been incredibly hard in some ways.  Not so hard in others.

Adjusting our day so that he isn't in his crate for too long requires thought and planning that I would rather not do. 
Constantly watching that he doesn't have an accident in the house or chew on the wrong thing is overwhelming at times.

But what isn't hard at all is watching my children love on this little animal.  It is almost like our entire family needed a project. 
It has forced us to all get and stay on the same page. 
We must be helpful to each other.  We must all work toward the same goal:  training Jasper.

I confess that I have broken down on at least 3 occasions and cried.  I have thought to myself and said out loud to Shep, "What have we done?" ( and it has only been a week)

But, apart from those moments when fatigue and fear threaten to unravel my sanity, we know it was right.

After all....serving isn't easy.  At least this isn't.

I loved coming home to my safe place and piling up with the people I love most and enjoying some semblance of ease.  If there is such a thing...

Now that picture has changed.

Serving those we love will always require energy and effort that only the Lord Jesus can give.  So many days I crawl into bed completely empty.  Drained.

That isn't such a bad thing. 

I want my life to be poured out. 

I want to serve. 

I don't want to shy away from things just because they are hard or different than my norm.

Sometimes God wants to shake up our normal.

 

Do not neglect to do good and share what you have, for such sacrifices are pleasing to God.

Hebrews 13:16

 

The Cringe of Change

I can remember numerous times in childhood that my mama would look at me and smile and say these words, "Please don't grow up.  Stay little."

Now I hear myself saying those words to my little ones that seem to grow like weeds by the day. 

I get it now. 

She wanted time to stand still.

She wanted innocence to remain.  She wanted curls and bows and pigtails to always be my style.

Change was happening right before her eyes and the thought of it made her want to cringe.  Not in a bad way~ just in a < s l o w d o w n>  kind of way.

Sometimes change happens so quickly.  Too quickly.  We find ourselves groping for something that remains untouched by change.  Something above the tarnish of time.  Something lasting and forever and true. 

Shep and I are so blessed to come from sets of parents that remain married to each other.  Their marriages are strong and marked by devotion.

In the past week we have encountered serious medical issues with 3 of our 4 parents.

It has been sudden and scary.

Our normal somewhat settled-but-busy routine has been replaced by "wait and see".

My thoughts have wanted a stable place to land instead of bouncing all over the place and filling in open-ended questions of "what if?"

Here is the truth that I run from and can't escape: CHANGE IS INEVITABLE.

It happens.

Rolling with that change is hard.

There are certain amounts of change that I enjoy.  Love even.  

The fact that God created four different seasons is so marvelous to me.  By the time one season gets underway I begin thinking about the season that will follow.

Spring is so fresh and colorful.
Summer has the feel of freedom and fun.
Fall brings breezes and hayrides and a color of blue in the sky that you can't forget.
And winter....brings fires, chili dinners, the holidays and maybe, just maybe, some snow for those of us here in the South.

We love the change of it.  Even those of us that hate change like the differences.  Or maybe it is better said that we appreciate them.  

Why?  

Because this type of change is predictable.  We know it is coming.  We prepare for it and look forward to the newness that comes along with it.

Unpredictable change is what leaves me shaking in my boots.

The call that Shep's dad is unresponsive.
The news that my mom has suffered several mini-strokes and there are more tests to do and more hurtles to jump.
The drive to the hospital following the ambulance that is carrying my dad.

These unpredictable changes have shaken me. 
All three scenarios have happened in the past week.

Change that leaves us cringing.  Longing for something solid, sturdy and constant.

Jesus is it.

His character is unchanging.
He is always good.
He has always been.
He will always be.
His love never fails.
He never leaves.
His grace is enough.
He is always a refuge.
He is the Great I AM.


Circumstances are often the very tool that teach us to search Him out and find that He is true.  My invitation to taste and see that God is good has come through emergencies that scare me.  My choice is to either stay scared and try to do this on my own...OR allow God to be what He says He is.  Right here.  Right now.  In the midst of my scary place.
This unexpected detour could just be a place where God gloriously teaches me to trust Him yet again. 

When my soul has not been able to find rest~ I have chosen to rest in the One that changes not.

 You can too.

Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.  Hebrews 13:8
Before the mountains were brought forth, or ever you had formed the earth and the world, from everlasting to everlasting you are God. Psalm 90:2
If we are faithless, he remains faithful— for he cannot deny himself. 2 Tim.2:13
I am the Alpha and the Omega, the first and the last, the beginning and the end.” Revelation 22:13
To the King of ages, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory forever and ever. Amen. 1 Tim.1:17
For by him all things were created, in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities—all things were created through him and for him. Col.1:16

Thus says the Lord, the King of Israel and his Redeemer, the Lord of hosts: “I am the first and I am the last; besides me there is no god. Isaiah 44:6

Helpless

Last week was a spiritual doozy for this gal.

It seemed like each day held some type of mental assault.  These days aren't exactly new but when you string 2 or 3 days like this together...it becomes too much.

As I look back nothing big really happened.  Discouragement just wanted to be my best friend.  By day 2 I could really feel myself letting go of the resolve to stand strong in faith.  The flow of discouragement seemed so much easier so I jumped in.

Add to that a bad news phone call from a doctor and a message, that was supposed to uplift, but left me just plain sad...

Then the doorbell rings.  I go to open it and see that a package has been left.

***Had I known the crying that would ensue after opening this package I would not have done it***

I opened the package and lifted out several sample diapers.

The words "youth/adult small" might as well have punched me in the stomach.

Tears came quick.  Moans came from my mouth.  Anguish engulfed me.

As long as I can go into a store and purchase diapers for Caroline...she is still a little.  These diapers smacked me right in the face.  I held the proof in my shaking hands that she isn't so little and this situation really is very hard.  More than hard actually...exhausting and excruciating at times.

For anyone who looks at me and thinks I have it all together....
For anyone who thinks that I am strong and smart and super spiritual...


Think again.  

These are the real days.  

This day happened to be a Wednesday.  I called my husband and cried to the only other person who gets our life and situations like this one.

He listened and hurt with me.

I ended up taking the kids to church and coming back home.

I never skip church.  Ever. 

But I couldn't do it.  I had nothing in me to serve. Or worship.  Or pray.  Or anything for that matter....

I came home and collapsed on the couch.

As I laid there and cried a picture began to take shape in my mind.

I had been asking God to help me understand child-like faith.

And here I was laying on a couch.  Helpless. 

Babies are helpless.

Babies can do nothing except cry out.

Babies are completely and utterly dependent on their caregivers to provide their needs.

God was showing me the "how".

After asking Him repeatedly how to have child-like faith...He let me get low enough that I became helpless...JUST LIKE A BABY.

As this understanding began to clear my current fog I sensed Him all around me.  His love was bigger than my sadness.  His love engulfed it all. His love lifted my spirits.  His love calmed my fears.  His love carried my burdens and dissolved my doubt.

His love came when I could do nothing at all.

His love never fails.

His love cannot be explained.

His love isn't deserved.

His love fills every gap that pain and sorrow leaves open and exposed.

His love.

Ephesians 3:17-19New Living Translation (NLT)

¹⁷ Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. ¹⁸ And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. ¹⁹ May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.

 

the Lure of Logic

Simple faith is the requirement for Jesus to save us.

Simple faith changes us.
Simple faith redeems us.
Simple faith seals forgiveness.
Simple faith reveals mercy.

But faith is far from simple.  At least for me.

We have begun a new ladies bible study. The first week has focused on childlike faith.

The faith of a child is our goal.  Reclaiming it is hard to do.

Children possess a quality of wonder and simplicity that almost makes their eyes sparkle.  We can see it and remember how we used to be...

~They just believe~

It isn't until they get some age under their belt that they start asking "why" and "how".

Somewhere along our journey the "why's" and the "how's" become more important to us than the faith.

Why is that?

I have heard myself ask "why" something awful has occurred on lots of occasions.  But honestly, would knowing the "why" change any of the pain?

I don't think so.

Job suffered relentless heartache and he never knew why. 

We know his why.  He was chosen because he trusted God. He was picked for his pain.

There was good in it for him.

Ugh.

These are the topics I can't stand to think about and discuss but they stay upon my heart.

Our first step into a relationship with God is done by simple faith.

Every other step will be taken the same way too.

God doesn't change course.

Faith is the way.  Faith is required.

We detour off this path of simplicity when we start bogging down our brain with the "how's" and "why's".  It is the lure of the enemy.  He has always offered knowledge and wisdom up on a platter for God's children.  Sadly, we continue to take the bait.
We think we should get to know details that God never intended for us to know.  Simply read the fall of man in Genesis chapter 3.  Verses 1 through 7 describe the lure, bait, and fall. 

Faith is lost that way.

We have one obligation to God.  Believe.
 
His Word says it over and over again.

Logic lures us away from faith.

I am not suggesting that anyone should not use the brains that God gave us to think and reason and process. However I know that we can think, reason, and process our way right out of faith.

Let's strive to not make that trade.

Logic wants to know why.
Logic needs to know how.

Simple faith just trusts God alone.

Oh God your ways are not my ways.  Forgive me for holding out my faith based on how you may choose to work.  Forgive me for wanting to know how and why all the time.  Help me to love you more.  Help me to trust you more.  Help me to keep it simple.  Return my faith to that of a child....to simply walk beside you each day and obey through belief.  

Harsh

We had the opportunity to slip away for a few days and enjoy a much needed Fall break.  The entire trip was wonderful.  Really wonderful.  Hopefully I can post some pictures later...

The point of this blog, though, is to pass on a lesson that the Holy Spirit taught me while we were away.

I noticed it almost immediately when I walked into the master bathroom in the condo.  The light in the bathroom was harsh.  I looked at my reflection in the mirror and noticed every single flaw in high definition. I wanted to look away immediately.

(Let me stop right here and say that I am not a girl that fixates on every little thing I hate about my body.  I am 37 years old.  There are things that just come with the territory.  My roots are graying some.  I have stretch marks.  There are lots of fine lines that have emerged from seemingly nowhere.  And there is weight that I carry in certain spots that, despite my best effort, intends to stick with me. I know this and I am okay with it.)

I am pretty sure that this particular light was fluorescent in nature.  Walking into that bathroom became something that I dreaded doing.  However, it was a place I also couldn't avoid. 

God had something to show me.  For five days he used harsh light in a bathroom out of town to convict and correct a place in my heart that desperately needed some softening.

Basically what He said was this, "Andrea, I am the Light of the World.  I told you this in my Word. (John 8:12)  You are to be a reflection of Me.  My light lives within you.  When you walk into this world and take My light...be a gentle light that draws people.  Do not be a harsh light that repels people further from me."

This bathroom light did what lights do.  It chased darkness away.  However it illuminated its brightness in harsh ways. 

When we came home I walked into my bathroom and breathed a huge sigh of relief.  The light was gentle.  Every single flaw in my appearance was not magnified and scary to see.  The flaws were still there but the light was kinder to them.

Those of us who have the Holy Spirit living within us are the Light to this fallen world.

We can shine bright in two different ways.  We can be harsh or we can be gentle.

To those walking in darkness a gentle light can speak just as loudly as a harsh light.  Sometimes I think that we feel in order to be heard we must be harsh.  I think it only pushes people further away. 

As one who has been gloriously rescued by the Light of the World, Jesus Christ, I want to remember that I used to walk in darkness.  Some days I even choose to now...even with salvation in tact.  Some days I am mustering every bit of courage and faith I can to let my little light shine.  God help me when I get too harsh with it.

Help me Lord to not be so quick to illuminate someone's flaws. 

Don't we want to sometimes? 

Don't we want to expose the weakness, meanness, and sin in another to avoid our own?

But if we will simply, humbly, and gently shine then the Kindgom of God will illuminate with lives on Earth that point to our saving Light~ Jesus.

I am so thankful that He is never harsh or unkind with me.  Firm~ yes.  Mean~ never.

Let us be like Him. 

Shine on saints of God.

Gentle and pure...let's follow Jesus and attract some others with His kind of Light.

You are the light of the world.  A city set on a hill cannot be hidden; nor does anyone light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on the lampstand, and it gives light to all who are in the house. Let your light shine before men in such a way that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father who is in heaven."  Matt. 5:14-16

Matthew 5:14-16

Verse Concepts

"You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden; nor does anyone light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on the lampstand, and it gives light to all who are in the house. "Let your light shine before men in such a way that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father who is in heaven.
- See more at: http://bible.knowing-jesus.com/topics/Being-A-Light#sthash.wVy4TKSa.dpuf

Matthew 5:14-16

Verse Concepts

"You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden; nor does anyone light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on the lampstand, and it gives light to all who are in the house. "Let your light shine before men in such a way that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father who is in heaven.
- See more at: http://bible.knowing-jesus.com/topics/Being-A-Light#sthash.wVy4TKSa.dpuf

Matthew 5:14-16

Verse Concepts

"You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden; nor does anyone light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on the lampstand, and it gives light to all who are in the house. "Let your light shine before men in such a way that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father who is in heaven.
- See more at: http://bible.knowing-jesus.com/topics/Being-A-Light#sthash.wVy4TKSa.dpuf

Matthew 5:14-16

Verse Concepts

"You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden; nor does anyone light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on the lampstand, and it gives light to all who are in the house. "Let your light shine before men in such a way that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father who is in heaven.
- See more at: http://bible.knowing-jesus.com/topics/Being-A-Light#sthash.wVy4TKSa.dpuf

Matthew 5:14-16

Verse Concepts

"You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden; nor does anyone light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on the lampstand, and it gives light to all who are in the house. "Let your light shine before men in such a way that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father who is in heaven.
- See more at: http://bible.knowing-jesus.com/topics/Being-A-Light#sthash.wVy4TKSa.dpuf

Matthew 5:14-16

Verse Concepts

"You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden; nor does anyone light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on the lampstand, and it gives light to all who are in the house. "Let your light shine before men in such a way that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father who is in heaven.
- See more at: http://bible.knowing-jesus.com/topics/Being-A-Light#sthash.wVy4TKSa.dpuf

Matthew 5:14-16

Verse Concepts

"You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden; nor does anyone light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on the lampstand, and it gives light to all who are in the house. "Let your light shine before men in such a way that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father who is in heaven.
- See more at: http://bible.knowing-jesus.com/topics/Being-A-Light#sthash.wVy4TKSa.dpuf

Matthew 5:14-16

Verse Concepts

"You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden; nor does anyone light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on the lampstand, and it gives light to all who are in the house. "Let your light shine before men in such a way that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father who is in heaven.
- See more at: http://bible.knowing-jesus.com/topics/Being-A-Light#sthash.wVy4TKSa.dpuf

When Worries Double...Faith Can Too

Shep and I have been walking a single lane road of faith for quite some time.  I guess what I mean by that is this...God has called us to believe something unbelievably big.  If that single lane had a name it would simply be ~ Caroline~.

There have been other concerns over the past 12 years.  The births of our other two children, deaths of extended family and loved ones, financial burdens and  life decisions in general that have turned our faces toward God in faith.

But nothing keeps us at His throne day in and day out like our ongoing belief that He will heal Caroline.

It is an overarching theme.  We continue walking the one-lane road and believe that each step builds bigger faith and brings us closer to that faith becoming sight.

This past week my personal one lane unexpectantly became a two lane road of faith.

Some news that God has known was coming was made known to me.  It answered some immediate questions but presented my family with many more unanswered ones.

I sat in the driveway alone Sunday night and wept with Jesus.

The moment was very tender and sweet.  Where could I go but to my Lord??

Shep loves me to pieces but he can't ease my pain.
My children are precious but they can't settle the storm.
Friends and family can draw near but the pain almost numbs us.

None of these folks are qualified to carry my burdens away.  But Jesus is....

He sat with me at the top of my driveway at dusk and let me be sad.

It was the most appropriate emotion at the time.  He was as real to me as any person sitting there.  He comforted as only He can.

I got up and came in the house with a face wiped of tears and fresh resolve.

More faith would be required for the road ahead.

Thankfully my Comforter also dishes out fresh faith in spades.

Our Caroline still isn't healed. 
Another big opportunity to believe has been given...

What are we to do?

Walk on.

Persevere.

Be thankful.

Live courageous faith filled lives one day at a time.

"But my righteous one will live by faith. And I take no pleasure in the one who shrinks back But we do not belong to those who shrink back and are destroyed, but to those who have faith and are saved." Hebrews 10:38-39