Change in Plans

Yesterday afternoon I was getting ready to start dinner when the phone rang. I could tell immediately that something wasn't right. Shep told me that his mom was in the hospital with a high fever and that she had been moved to ICU.

(Isn't it funny how a 1 minute phone conversation can alter the course of everything that was going on before that phone call??)

Dinner could wait...

My mode changed. I had to get the kids taken care of because Shep wanted me to go with him...and of course, I wanted to go.

My mindset changed. As I scurried around the house getting dressed and handling bedtime things for the kids, my mind stayed in constant prayer.

I marvel at the appointed grace that is waiting to be dispensed at the appropriate times.

Today is my sweet man's birthday. He started his day by getting up at five and going the hospital so he could be by his momma's side when visiting hours started at 6:00. I'm sure there have been times in Shep's life where he had many things on his birthday list....today nothing would please him more than for her to be better.

I will update soon how she is doing. We think she will be fine....she had a high fever and the doctors could not pinpoint the problem. She is stable and will hopefully be moved to a room today.

Happy Birthday Shep. I enjoy every day I have with you. Marriage continues to be a blast. You make me laugh like no one I know. Your confidence in me makes me strive to be a better wife and mother. You're my best friend and I am honored to see what tomorrow brings....with you.

The "ME" box

Caroline had to turn in a "me" box for school today. It was a bag with 3 items inside that represented Caroline and it was decorated with pictures of Caroline and her favorite people on the outside. She would share this with the class so that they could know her a little better.

That made me think a little...

What would my "ME" box look like?

Well, if I were making it I am sure I would put items in it that would make me look more Godly than I really am.
I would decorate the outside with things that made people notice me or think highly of me.

So sad, I know.

The "Me" box shouldn't say a whole lot about me. It should say a lot about Jesus. He alone is who I live for. He is my next breath. He is my provider. He is my Savior. He is my Healer. He is my friend.

Isn't that our major problem? We want to keep it all about me.
My life.
My children.
My husband.
My purpose.
My needs.

All of those things should be wrapped up and given fully over to Him.

Andrea no longer lives, but Christ lives in her.

Change my "me" to He".

Increase in me Lord...help me to strip away all that I boast in of myself. I turn away from You sometimes before I even realize what I am doing. I give in to pride. I want all things to bend my way. Then I want to turn around and let people see how You have blessed me.
Such arrogance! The enemy makes light of my sin and sometimes I agree with him. God forgive me. I want Christ to shine through me. I realize only in weakness can His power be seen. Keep my mouth closed so I won't say things I shouldn't. Master my mind so that I will think kind, good, and praiseworthy thoughts. I am your vessel. Sorry I am such a mess sometimes. Your patience is unbelievable.

1 Corinthians 1:31 "Let him who boasts boast in the Lord."

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Picture the scene:

I am sitting at the computer (maybe been here 3 minutes or so) and Ava walks in with a tissue and is blowing her nose.

She says, "Mama, I am trying to blow a slipper out of my nose."

Me..."What? What do you mean?"

Ava..."Well, I put a little pink (polly pocket) slipper up my nose to see if it would go up there."

Me..."Ava, are you serious? Did you really put a slipper up your nose?"
(she is four and very mature for her age...surely she didn't)

Ava...."Yes mama. I am trying to blow it out. Can you see it?"

O.k. at this point I start freaking out a little. Zeke is waking up and crying. So I get him his milk and lay him down on his back to drink his sip pee. I tell Ava to get me a flashlight and lay beside her brother.

Dr. Mom shines the flashlight up Ava's nose. I strain and strain to see....and lo and behold...a tiny pink slipper is in her left nostril. I tell her not to move an inch and I run to get the tweezers.

I had to go up a little further than I thought and I watched as Ava's eyes got HUGE with fear...but I did extract the slipper.

Then....I breathed and screamed as loud as you possibly can inside your head.

I threatened her to never ever do anything like that again.

Why???? Why do our kids think that a project like that is worthwhile?

Oh, the craziness of parenthood. I must tell you...I am pretty proud of my accomplishment. And to top it off...I didn't even call Shep to freak out. I am just going to let him be amazed when he gets home!!

Thank you Lord for our wonderful children who keep us alert, laughing, wondering, and praying. Thank you for being the parent for them I could never be.

"Because I Said So..."

Now that I am a mother...I say this phrase more than I would like to admit. However, there are times when there isn't a better answer.

I always hated it when my mom or dad said this to me. It seemed so...stupid. So what? What did I care?

Now...I am wearing the momma glasses and I see this in a whole new way. Sometimes I just want my children to TRUST that what I am asking them to do or not do is enough. I have their best interests at heart.

So, because I understand this now and use it frequently on my own children, why is it so hard to contemplate that my heavenly Father may do the same to me?

Doesn't He want me to simply trust Him?

Last week I felt prompted to go to a "healing/miracle" service at a local church. I had been praying and then I heard this service advertised on a local Christian station. I felt like I was supposed to write down the info. and talk to Shep about going.

Shep was all for it. I wasn't.

I didn't want to go....again.
I didn't want to watch nothing happen....again.
I didn't want to experience a heart-sick ride back home....again.
I didn't want to get my hopes up and possibly imagine Caroline walking and talking....again.

But, Shep felt like we were supposed to go. He felt like God wanted us to be obedient.

I must tell you that I did NOT expect her healing. I just couldn't. It is too hard to be expectant in that way and fall flat. It hurts so bad.

Well, Friday night came and we loaded up and went.

It was a sweet service. The people were precious and God's love was so evident through them. The praise and worship was wonderful and the preaching was powerful.

Then the time came....."if you have a need of a healing or a miracle come down to be prayed over."

It was go time.

Shep picked up Caroline and down the aisle we went.
(You would think it would get easier and more comfortable b/c we have done this many times, but it doesn't.)

The pastor prayed fervently over us and many others.

There was no change. We just sat there.

Why did we come?

We witnessed some things that are very foreign to our denomination. I will not judge. I will not draw my own conclusions. But, I don't understand....and I really want to.

As I ponder this today, I still don't know why we were supposed to go. The only thing I can come up with is "because He said so."

When we walk with the Lord
in the light of His word,
what a glory He shed on our way!
While we do His good will
He abides with us still,
and with all who will trust and obey.

Trust and obey, for there's no other way
to be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey.

Fighting to fellowship

Today was the first day back to school. Where did the summer go?

Caroline was ecstatic to be back with her teachers, friends, and others who spoil her on a daily basis.

I must confess that this day brought with it a sadness to me.

I just KNEW that when we left for summer break....she would come back completely healed and whole.

Shows what I know, huh???

However, I haven't given up, backed down, or thrown in the towel. I want to. But I haven't. There is too much at stake....for God....for me....for you.

At the conference this past weekend, we learned that we should fellowship with God.

Meaning that in our every day lives we should talk constantly to Him, laugh with Him, sit and listen to Him, ask our every question to Him, and try not to rush it. That is hard in this "get-it-now" society we live in.

I don't know about you....but this is hard for me.

Even when I am trying to lay it all out in front of Him, I find myself holding back a few things. Why? Who knows....maybe I think He will be disappointed or that He is tired of hearing it.

So now I am fighting each day to learn how to fellowship with God. If I don't fight for it....I won't do it. I have to be willful about it. If not, it will be too hard and I will quit.

Now the hard part----
Yesterday I was talking to Him as I was driving down the road. I was very specific in my prayers and exposed some vulnerability and fears to Him. When I finished praying, something on my radio station spoke to my heart.
----I think (and at the time strongly felt) that it was God talking to me. My spirit quickened and I felt like I just knew.....

I don't like what He told me to do.

He is asking me to trust Him again.

He is asking me to look stupid again.

He is asking me to relinquish my already broken heart to him again.

This "again" road is covered with my tears. Do we have to go here again? I want to protect myself at all costs. Help me know that Your Presence with me is a fact and not a feeling I need to experience. Show me what You have for me in this part of the journey. I give you my rotten pride. Grant me Your peace. Help me find true contentment in whatever may be. I don't get you Lord, but I totally dig you. I know you are in the business of making things new. You turn darkness into light, sadness into joy, and death to life. I want to witness and testify to these things. Again...I will follow you. Again...I will blindly trust you. Again...

What a blast!!

Can I tell you how tired I am??
This morning I tried to put the gallon of milk into the microwave instead of the refrigerator.


But...it was soooooooooooo worth it!!

We gathered with thousands of other women and lifted high the name of Jesus.

I absolutely love corporate worship! I love watching other people worship my Lord. I love to see how He has done so much in their lives. I love to watch those who I know are hurting offer Him a sacrifice of praise. It is so sweet to me.

We also got to sit under some serious Bible teaching. God spoke to me several times through these women....

-"Rest is the activity of faith."
-The only way we can really "rest" during life's most difficult moments is to marry the Word of God with our own faith. That will bring us rest.

-We have a "God box" about everything that we believe about God. What He can and won't do...how he acts....how he speaks. We get this God box from our life experiences, our church, our families and friends, other's testimonies, and even our denominations. The problem is we put a lid on our box. God NEVER intended to be boxed in. We limit Him severely when we put the lid on. He wants our boxes to overflow with His surprises for us.

-We have become too familiar with the fundamentals of our faith.
"Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations forever and ever! Amen."
-When I pray and ask Jesus for things....do I just ask for the limit? In other words, do I just ask Him for what I can think of or do I say....."just blow me away?"

-God's presence is a FACT and not a FEELING.
-Fellowship with Him stirs the feeling of His divine Presence.

(So often I just want to rush it.....instead He wants fellowship. He wants me to hang out with him....laugh with Him...ask His opinion on things....run to Him when I am crushed by someone or something. Fellowship, just like friendship, cannot be rushed!!)



The picture at the front of this blog was an answer to my previous blog. I had asked God to speak encouragement to the "secret things" in my heart.

One of my biggest secret things is Caroline's healing. I have purposely tried not to dwell on it. I believe that He has asked me to move on. However, moving on doesn't mean forgetting about it.

The arena where the conference was held constantly flashed digital messages. Anyone could text the conference staff prayer requests and they would flash them on these screens. Unbeknown st to me one of my friends had text ed on my behalf. The words simply said, "heal Caroline."

I knew God had used that to speak to me. He wanted me to know that He hasn't forgotten.

Seeing those words posted in big letters in front of all those thousands of ladies was too special for words.

Brandi, thank you for being obedient. I was so blessed.

To my other girls who went along for the ride....I will never forget it. I pray God spoke to you as He did me. You are each so special. Many days you are the very ones who hold me up. I love you.

Next time, let's try not to make so many pit stops. That last Dairy Queen soft serve about did me in!!

Speak

Tomorrow morning six girls plus myself will pile into a vehicle and head to Greensboro, NC.

I am too excited! I will get to sit under Travis Cottrell and his praise team....these people can usher in the presence of God like nothing I have ever seen. Not to mention, I will get to join in corporate worship with thousands of women. If you have never experienced corporate worship on this scale, I highly recommend you go to one of these conferences. There is something indescribable about being in the midst of that many people lifting high the one and only name of Jesus. Goose bumps galore......and not simply a feeling...but a knowing that the Holy Spirit is there in your midst.

As if that weren't good enough, I get to enjoy several teaching sessions by Beth Moore, Priscilla Shirer, and Kay Arthur.

It is funny to me that I used to only enjoy the worship part of an event like this and not so much the speakers. I don't know when the change occurred, but now opening the Word of God and listening to it speak is matchless for me. Nothing can compare....it is usually in those times of teaching that the Lord hones in and speaks directly to me.

His voice...
His presence...
His affirmation...
His encouragement....
His food for my hungry soul...
His love that fills me to overflowing...
His peace that passes the junk I deal with in my life...

That is what I am expecting!!

Lord, I need you. I am yearning to watch you move in my life this weekend. Fill me with fresh faith. Give me a servant's heart. The secret things that I share with You are causing doubts to creep in. Speak directly to those secret things. Help me endure these days where it seems I question more than I believe. I want to embrace these difficult things because I know they will produce fruit...but sometimes that is too tall of an order for me to do. Remember I am but dust....I want to love you more. Create in me a clean heart...continue to sanctify me even though I hate it.

Speak Lord speak...I am listening.