Words with Power

Luke 1:45
"Blessed is she who has believed that what the Lord has said to her will be accomplished."

Ps. 119:49-50
"Remember your word to your servant, for you have given me hope. My comfort in my suffering is this; your promise preserves my life.

Just a couple of the verses that I am carrying on me all the time.

My own words are pretty hollow right now, so I opted for better, stronger, truthful, and more power-filled words.

Last night at praise team practice we were singing an old hymn, "Jesus Paid It All".
Some of the words of that song fell fresh on this girl...

I hear the Savior say,
"Thy strength indeed is small
Child of weakness watch and pray
Find in me thine all in all."

Jesus paid it all
All to Him I owe
Sin had left a crimson stain
He washed it white as snow.

Thank you Lord for regarding my weakness. Thank you for inclining Your ear to me. Help me look outward today. Help me resist the enemy and his lies. Help me NOT to turn inward like a selfish child. You have blessed me with every spiritual blessing that is in Christ Jesus, help me walk in them. Help me live them. Help me show You to others who are lost and bound for hell. Give me a burden. Help me remember Your mighty works. Help me remember I serve a HUGE GOD. Help me have an awesome fear of You.

This "child of weakness" loves you and wants to please you.

Staying True

I feel compelled to write something.

When I started this blogging thing. I did it with the intent of journaling these days of my life...good, bad, ugly, fabulous, mind-blowing, surprising...whatever.

I have noticed that lately I have been afraid to blog about the "real" me. I have tried to blog mostly real things with a touch of forced optimism so that you wouldn't think I am having as hard of a time as I really am. Those thoughts I keep to myself. Now, I am NOT saying that some things are not better left unsaid. I would agree whole-heartedly to that.

However, I feel that I have been called to be real.

Not really interesting.
Not really exciting.
Not really smart.
Not really extraordinary.
Not how I want to be.

But REAL. That means the truth. Like it or not. Repetitive and monotonous. Painstaking and pointless at times...

So....this entry is NOT like I want you to think I am...but how I really am.

I don't like this place.
I don't like this season.
I feel far away from Him.
I have so many questions.
I am tired.
I feel helpless and hopeless more than I want to admit.
I wonder where He is and why He isn't speaking.
I wonder if He ever spoke at all.

Having said all of that, I am a blessed woman.

I am bought with the blood of the Lamb.
I am madly in love with my man.
I am head over heels for my 3 amazing children.
I have friends that blow my mind.
I am healthy.
I have a roof over my head and food to eat.


Just because we are blessed and bought does NOT mean that there won't be seasons of unparalleled sadness in our lives. Try as we may to end the time....they are meant to be just that....a season.

That means an entire period of time.

I feel like I have done all I can do to speed up this process.

The truth is.....I am here until He sees fit to bring me out into a spacious place.

So, if this period of blogging is somewhat sad or depressing to you, I am sorry.

But, it is where I am. I am sure I will go back and read these blog entries one day and Jesus and I will have a good laugh at just how badly I am behaving.

But now....as I live it and breathe it....I am not laughing. I am aching. I won't go back....but without hearing more from Him...I can't really go forward. I feel a little bit like I am at a crossroads. Veer right if I believe He is going to heal her or veer left and keep going if I believe we have been wrong all of this time ......which way???

I will choose joy and plant a smile on my face. I will continue to put one foot in front of the other in the complete and utter darkness that I feel I am in.

But I will be real.

I hate to think of the number of people who I have blown off because they were immersed in a tough season of their life. They were hard for me to be around because they just seemed depressed.

Now, I don't want to be THAT person either. I want to live and keep moving. But I MUST acknowledge this pain too.

God's silence is the biggest mystery and the quandary of my heart.

I don't know what else to say.

I am sure Job couldn't wait for better days as he lost family, friends, and scratched himself with pot shards.

We know that David longed for brighter days as he hid in caves for his life.

I want to learn whatever it is that His silence teaches. But, for others out there dealing with this, I won't lie and act as if this is a breeze.

I am ready for brighter days.

Princess Mommy

Don't we all just LOVE Mondays??

This Monday has been a rough one. Not really sure why...although whiny children, overcast skies, and back-to-the-grind routine doesn't really help.

By 9 a.m. it felt like it should have been 3 in the afternoon.

I keep saying to myself, "these days are going to fly by...don't wish them away".

I know that is true.

I just have a difficult time finding contentment in the grind of life. I am always looking forward to the next "fun" thing.

Like next weekend...
or
a date night
or
a motorcycle ride
or
a Deeper Still event
or
a trip to the beach.

So, in an attempt to change our scenery...the girls and I went downstairs while Zeke slept. I did a little sewing, singing, and answering about a million questions. (thanks to Ava)

After telling Ava again why she couldn't walk around carrying the pins I use while sewing; I spotted something that Ava had been asking me about for weeks. It was a David's Bridal bag on a hanger.

You guessed it.....my wedding gown.

She always looks at the pictures and talks about how mommy looks like a princess in her dress.

So, I decided to give it a whirl and try on the beautiful (and a little out-dated) gown.

Ava was ecstatic and Caroline was all smiles.

I slowly and ever so gently worked my way into the dress. I felt pretty dang good considering it was going on just fine. The seams weren't bulging...buttons weren't popping...even the zipper was gliding just fine.

See, I spoke too soon. It just stopped. The zipper wouldn't budge anymore. I wasn't about to rip this gorgeous gown just because I was determined to make it fit. So, I faked it and spun around to show it off to my girls.

They were terribly impressed. They had no clue the zipper was sliding downward the whole time...they just thought mommy looked like a princess.

Funny. I am the child of a King. My daddy reigns from on high. But as I go about my days the enemy tells this princess she is nothing but a pauper.

Don't you wish you could catch a glimpse of yourself the way He sees you?

As hard as I try...I can't really see that girl.

Probably because I know myself too well.

I will say this. The dress may not have fit me now...but the girl wearing the dress is NOT the same girl.

This girl has come a long way. A little more grounded. A little more real. Stronger. Determined. Seeking.

As the refining process continues in my life...I will always be changing. Each day, in spite of how I may feel, I will come a little closer to resembling the King who calls me His daughter.

Still rednecks at this house

My friends have had too much fun laughing at this one.

So, I thought I would share it with my blog friends too.

What you are seeing is an ice tray filled with frozen lemonade. However, the red-neck part of this is too good. When Shep couldn't find toothpicks to hold the popsicles...he opted for tooth flossers.

Priceless, isn't it.

The last entry I posted was very personal to me. I don't think I have fully released this control to God......EVER.

I am having to settle in to the newness of this season.

I know it is right. I know I am being obedient.

I know this is requiring me to trust....to actually LIVE OUT in private what I say I believe in PUBLIC.

The thoughts that I battle are tough.

The enemy tells me that I have "let go" of her healing.

The enemy tells me that it is about time for me to give in.

The enemy says, I told you so.....God doesn't heal anymore.

Of course, I go to battle. I fight him with the Word and prayer. I am powerless without those two things.

It is funny because I thought that stepping out on June 12th was difficult....that was nothing compared to this.

The best way I can share this with you so you understand is a little bit like when a loved one dies and you are grieving. As long as you talk often about them...it keeps them alive.

Well, I feel like because I have "let go" and stopped so much of this talking about her healing that it will be forgotten. Gone. Just a memory. Something that people might remember occasionally but not often.

That is what kills. What I have shouted....stood on....believed...prayed for...is being "let go". It is being placed in the hands of the God who really is in control. But, if I don't talk about it...will anyone?

So, I am learning trust...a new kind. The trust that is lived behind closed doors. The kind that even our closest friends cannot guide us near. It is a trust that has to be chosen and lived by me.

Do I trust him with the last 7 years? Do I trust him right now when he is silent? Do I trust by living each day in hope AND contentment? Do I really trust him with my heart...my deepest desire....my biggest fears?

All I can say is.....it is GO TIME for me. The hurt is still there. The longing has never left. The questions still linger.

While still feeling the full weight of these things...there is something new rising up too. Courage, boldness, strength, confidence, trust, and joy are creeping in to places that were closed before.

This is where he has me.

Can't go over it

Can't go around it

Can't go under it

I have to plow straight ahead into these uncharted waters. I won't turn back....

Trying a new place

Clenched tight
my fist is closed.
Do I dare open up
and risk being exposed?

An open hand
means reaching a goal.
No more gripping, clasping,
or sense of control.

This place I know well
I've been here so long.
How do I live life
singing a new song?

I either trust or I don't
believe or doubt...
a clinched fist doesn't make
my faith more stout.

So....I am doing it
a little at a time
opening each finger
beginning the climb.

What I have held tight
in my fist for so long
I am offering to Jesus...
where it has always belonged.

Three different times God spoke to me about humility last week.

I am to stop being foolish, ridiculous, angry, and offended.

Once those things were addressed....I had nothing to hide behind.

So....the best I can...I am opening this hand of control. I have held my fist closed tight around "Caroline's healing" for 7 years. This isn't comfortable, but I know it is right.
I am trying to being Spirit lead...and live EACH DAY for itself.

I must tell you, my flesh feels like this is a death. Like I am somehow "giving up" on her healing.

However, I know that this is just yet another fun side of obedience. Not what I like....but what will PROVE to be good!

Pray hard for me. This is new ground.
May He guard me each step and encourage me at every turn. I know I need it.

Camouflaged

I'm always amazed at how tenderly God will reveal my sin.

I may wallow in it and "call it" many different things...anger, self-pity, or injustice.

But it all boils down to one word.

The very word that caused the very first sin.

Pride

The enemy doesn't have any new tricks to use against us...so he takes the one thing that he knows will usually work and camouflages it as something different.

No one likes to be called "prideful".

It somehow makes us feel better about ourselves to call it anger or injustice so the blame can ly elsewhere.

However....every single sin has buried beneath it....pride.

Same trick....new name.

I have had some new tough stuff to deal with this week and I have shaken my fists at God in anger and injustice. I wanted to feel justified.

What I felt from Him (after He exposed my sin) was love.

Jesus was nothing if not a servant. Our LORD made Himself a lamb.
The One the angels exalted became the target of humiliation and shame.

Humility, selflessness, meekness....who do you know like this?

It isn't common.

However, this is the direction Jesus is taking me right now. Humble myself before Him. Adore Him. Praise Him. Thank Him. Be in awe of Him. Serve Him. Bask in the realization that He wants to include me in His plan...something amazing.

If we are not careful we begin to think we deserve His blessings....then the enemy jumps in and tells you of all of the blessings you DON'T have.

That is where I have been lately.

Thankfully a love I cannot explain intervened and bent my heart a little closer to His. My pride was before me, yet I didn't feel condemned. I felt better. I felt like I could breathe. I felt free of that burden.

"Love lifted me
Love lifted me
When nothing else could help
Love lifted me."

CHAOS

"Whatever you're doing inside of me, it feels like chaos but somehow there's peace..."

-lyric from a Santus Real song

Isn't it weird? It's like you get back from a trip only to find the enemy waiting...with a vengeance.

My weekend away with Shep was almost like a second honeymoon...wonderful doesn't come close to describing it.

My week, however, has been a wreck.

Of course, I have handled it well. (NOT) You would think that a believer since the age of 9 and as one who is not new to hardship that I would be better equipped to handle stuff that happens.

I am truly ashamed and embarrassed. The truth is I don't really know how to handle all that I feel.
-Where are you Lord?
-What was the 12th about?
-Where is your financial provision?
-Will things ever be o.k. again?
-Why did Ava have to fail her vision exam?
-Why does my 4 year old have possibly have to deal with glasses?

(Glasses are NOT a big deal. This is just the icing on the proverbial cake. I already have one daughter that is wheelchair bound who gets many many stares from others... especially kids. Now, my other daughter will have to deal with stares from kids as well. This will be fine. I am sure I sound like a VAIN mother to you but I just think that 4 is so young to already have to deal with this...as her mom I just want to protect her from that.)

Anyway, my point is....I'm not handling this well at all. It feels like crushing waves and chaos coming in from all sides.

In fact, I am turning into the person that I can't stand.

You know the one....you see them coming and you run the other way.

They are constantly negative, pessimistic, and bring you down with the heaviness and injustice of their lives.

That is me right now.

I want to protect my closest friends from.....me! I don't want them to have to deal with being around me. I don't even want to be around me.

So, I am going with a plan that Shep and I discussed this morning. This doesn't mean my mood will match at first, but I am praying that God will adjust my mood to match my efforts.

-say scripture all day
-pray during any free time at all
-only talk of negative things with Jesus (the toughest one for me)
-sing praise
-replace thoughts of anger, pride, and groaning with God thoughts

There are so many others around me who are hurting. Disease and devastation are all around us. My chaos quietens down when I minister to others in spite of what I feel...

God-show me who to love today. Help me hold fast to Your truth. Help me not to be offended with you. Give me fulfillment and strength and joy. Bring lightness to my countenance and blessing to my efforts. Guide my steps. Please forgive and rid me of any and all pride and feelings of unmet expectations. Fill me to overflowing with your love. Thank you for the cross. Thank you for covering my sin and remembering it no more. Show up in BIG ways...we want to see you.