"Whatever you're doing inside of me, it feels like chaos but somehow there's peace..."
-lyric from a Santus Real song
Isn't it weird? It's like you get back from a trip only to find the enemy waiting...with a vengeance.
My weekend away with Shep was almost like a second honeymoon...wonderful doesn't come close to describing it.
My week, however, has been a wreck.
Of course, I have handled it well. (NOT) You would think that a believer since the age of 9 and as one who is not new to hardship that I would be better equipped to handle stuff that happens.
I am truly ashamed and embarrassed. The truth is I don't really know how to handle all that I feel.
-Where are you Lord?
-What was the 12th about?
-Where is your financial provision?
-Will things ever be o.k. again?
-Why did Ava have to fail her vision exam?
-Why does my 4 year old have possibly have to deal with glasses?
(Glasses are NOT a big deal. This is just the icing on the proverbial cake. I already have one daughter that is wheelchair bound who gets many many stares from others... especially kids. Now, my other daughter will have to deal with stares from kids as well. This will be fine. I am sure I sound like a VAIN mother to you but I just think that 4 is so young to already have to deal with this...as her mom I just want to protect her from that.)
Anyway, my point is....I'm not handling this well at all. It feels like crushing waves and chaos coming in from all sides.
In fact, I am turning into the person that I can't stand.
You know the one....you see them coming and you run the other way.
They are constantly negative, pessimistic, and bring you down with the heaviness and injustice of their lives.
That is me right now.
I want to protect my closest friends from.....me! I don't want them to have to deal with being around me. I don't even want to be around me.
So, I am going with a plan that Shep and I discussed this morning. This doesn't mean my mood will match at first, but I am praying that God will adjust my mood to match my efforts.
-say scripture all day
-pray during any free time at all
-only talk of negative things with Jesus (the toughest one for me)
-sing praise
-replace thoughts of anger, pride, and groaning with God thoughts
There are so many others around me who are hurting. Disease and devastation are all around us. My chaos quietens down when I minister to others in spite of what I feel...
God-show me who to love today. Help me hold fast to Your truth. Help me not to be offended with you. Give me fulfillment and strength and joy. Bring lightness to my countenance and blessing to my efforts. Guide my steps. Please forgive and rid me of any and all pride and feelings of unmet expectations. Fill me to overflowing with your love. Thank you for the cross. Thank you for covering my sin and remembering it no more. Show up in BIG ways...we want to see you.
4 comments:
God did not promise us life without chaos. Honestly I am right there with you sister, I would surely love to know how that feels for a while. Too often we think peace and rest is the lukewarm road with no curves, no highs and lows. We think of it as a straight and flat road. Narrow is the path and few will find it. In my own recent journeys I know the peace and rest God gives us, after days of crying God wiped away my tears and clothed me in his peace. He took away the thoughts of what could have happened and whispered to me, “It didn’t because I protected her, like I protected Laci in her crash, like I will protect you.” He took away those thoughts that haunted me and stole my sleep; he gave me rest. He answered my questions with scripture, even though I would have preferred to read an eye for an eye. I don’t know where Nehemiah took anyone. It took my soul to places I didn’t know existed and it forced my knee. I wrote 2 pages…in a nut shell we are all called to diligently seek God every day, we must know he is and we are to minister with our heart by the way we live and love. As I think about my victim statement, God said speak truth and show these men your heart. It is easy to love family and friends, what good is that? Even though I hated the actions of these men, God asked me to have compassion and love them. It is not easy.
My friend I wish I could take away your pain, however I cannot. Your Heavenly Father is leading you to the place he wants you to be. Oh sister I know how difficult that is. I will pray that our heavenly father give you peace and rest in your own journeys.
I am so proud of you. Keep standing on the rock with faith in one hand and truth in the other. It doesn't matter how pretty you are, what matters is.. you remain.
Despite my own journeys I am never too busy. I will continue standing with you in faith for Caroline’s healing. I will always offer you prayer and support.
Love your sister in Christ
Elaina
To me you are such an inspiration!
Love you,
Steph
my precious andrea......thus sayeth the Lord!!!!!!!!! "I will never forsake you. I will never leave you. I will always be with you, even unto the end of time."
Dear girl, keep pressing through, you have many, many prayer partners, and we are all lifting you and your family up to God. As you "press thru", PRAISE.
Hebrews 11:6 Your faith will bring about HIS REWARD.
loving you, marje
Andrea,
I understand your feeling of not wanting your sweet babies to be stared at or made fun of. My entire life I have been stared at, made fun of as a child and even now because of my birthmark. My mom did something for me a LONG time ago that made all the difference. One day after coming home from a not so great day at school she said "ok, thats it we are giving this to GOD" she layed her sweet and loving hands on my birthmark which is basically the whole right side of my face and than she prayed and ask God to just let this be my witnessing tool to let me not allow it to be a stumbling block but instead a opener to shared his word with others.. you know what it happened to this day women still say things but it doesn't bother me and the chances i have had to witness and share of God's love and the testimony that he has given me... girl i wouldn't change it for the world. I know you want only the best for your beautiful babies and God will give you just that.. just remember that sometimes when God gives us something we think may be a chance for other to make fun or more it could just be God's way of saying " I think you are the most special child and I want to give you a gift that will reach others." Just a thought. You are such a inspiration to so many know sweetie that you are prayed for and thought of OFTEN!!!
Be blessed today!
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